Thursday, August 25, 2011 / 5:12 PM
Havent been blogging regularly, and thus have subjected this cyber realm to a little bit of drop ins from random strangers and autobots.
NUSSU Elections are coming up, and well i must say that the competition feels rather intense. Perhaps i don't have the support of many juniors, since well, i am already Year 4 and have not been super around in all the orientation camps. But i guess it's really okay, because i really want to do what i set out to do. I don't want to waste any of my time doing things that i don't enjoy anymore. Just do it, i tell myself. Even though there is a chance that i might be shattered or upset, i don't care anymore. Life is way too short to think about what other people think about you.
So this elections, i am going in with a super big open heart and let the FASS student population decide.
Today's weather has been cranky, and the rain reminds me of Er Ge again. There was a huge hornet that flew into my room, and of course, the first thing i did was to ask "Is that you, Er Ge?". I guess i pretty much do that to all the little creatures that appear in front of me when i am feeling most melancholic. And talking to myself sometimes does elicit strange stares from people. But i am okay with that in my universe.
Year 4 has started, and i gotta tell ya, people seem to be really competitive. I feel this sense of extreme mission to succeed no matter what from the cohort, and that includes stepping on each others' bodies to climb to the top. Pretty jarring concept there, but the intuition and ESP all points to that. I don't know am i being paranoid or something, but there is this morbid fear that everyone is way better than me and i had better pull up my socks real high.
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on- Henry Ellis
Friday, July 29, 2011 / 10:13 AM
Realised i have not posted here in a while already. Been busy with my internship and really don't feel like looking at the computer screen after a long day at work.
Wanted to blog today because i was feeling quite wretched with technology today. What an irony right? I couldn't send text messages this morning on my phone, and there was supposed to be a breakfast gathering with the rest of the interns but because i woke up late and reached work at 910am i thought i wouldn't make it in time for the breakfast, since i had division meeting at 930am. Why why, the division meeting has been postponed because the ACE is here and till now, we are all still waiting to go for the meeting.
I could have gone for breakfast with the rest of the interns. Fuck man. It's not like my relationship with them is amazing or something. And this is the most opportune moment to make peace with them. And congratulations to some stupid postponed meeting that i cannot do so. GREAT. PERFECT.
I dunno why i cannot gel with the interns. I guess its partly because i am too haughty in some ways, looking down on them because they always tell me that they have nothing to do. No work, boss not in so they come in very late etc. It pisses me off damn bad when i hear that, partly also because i have loads to do. The expectations flung at me is that of a permanent staff working here. I don't know if i should be sad or happy that there are high expectations of me, but hey, i am just an intern here you know? I am not paid that much to do so much, but i am.
I know i shouldn't be complaining, since i am in a horrid mood and the things that i write about wouldn't be pretty. But i just feel so indignant that i couldn't meet the interns! It just pisses me off so bad! I COULD HAVE JUST GONE DOWN instead of waiting here. I hate this!
Work life pains me. I wish i could study forever and become a professor or something.
ARGH!!!!! It's Friday, and i shouldn't really dampen my own spirits like this. JIA YOU JIA YOU!!! IT'S FRIDAY!!!!
Sunday, May 01, 2011 / 11:26 PM
Getting back on my feet
I guess we all have to recalibrate and get on with our lives. Even if times make you feel like you wanna slit your wrists, drink detergent, inhale carbon monoxide, mix alcohol and sleeping pills, jump off the top floor of a high rise building, hurl yourself towards oncoming traffic and simply try to release yourself from this world, NEVER GIVE UP.
Recently, i have been in doldrums because i didn't go well for the finals for this mod that i got an A/A+ for mid terms, which constituted half of the grade. I cried over it, as i looked at my er ge's post mortem pictures and his funeral pictures. I felt like i have let him down, that despite him always telling me to buck up and study hard, i failed him. I was too full of myself, thinking that i will do okay for the paper and that it is open book anyway. But the compulsory question threw me off, and i didnt plan well for the second question.
I felt really useless and stupid, and i wonder what he will say about me like this.
So i bawled, and i couldn't breathe or talk properly, and my dad comforted me, brought me for dinner outside while we watched the royal wedding that was broad-casted live on channel 5. Watching that royal wedding was so nice, not just because Kate looked super thin (which i really hope for), her dress was elegant, but really because it was a happy ending, at least for now. A magical moment, which i am sure must have also been nerve-wrecking and exhausting.
My mood was uplifted, and i felt better. And then i watched Princess Diaries yesterday, and it was all nice and disney-ish.
Well i guess the glass can always be half full or half empty, seeing things the way you choose to see them. Got the above picture from leilockheart, and i love her blog and her collection of photos. Some are very inspiring, while some really prick.
My life this first half of 2011 has been really bad, but i must emerge victorious.
Thursday, April 28, 2011 / 10:13 PM
Singapore General Elections 2011 and NUS EXAMS!
Life now revolves around the exams and my aching arms, and not to forget the Singapore General Elections 2011!
Its a every 5 year event, and i am glad that i get to vote this time round. The PAP lorry has been coming by pretty often, broadcasting messages in all dialects and languages. Their posters are also up, and somehow they seem more organised than the opposition party, who i have yet to hear nor see their physical presence or other forms of publicity. Come on opposition! If you guys truly want to contest, then show yourselves! Otherwise it's pretty unconvincing to want people to vote for you if you don't even make yourself known to the voters. Tsk tsk.
Anyway, twitter now is always flooded with GE news and tweets about rallies and whatnot. So is facebook. Seriously, quite exhausted with the massive reports and inundation of information. Pretty hard for us to pay attention to all these when its in the midst of our exams period. Are we an apathetic lot? Most certainly not! Youths are vocal and critical, but sometimes impractical. But nonetheless, there is a tendency for youths to speak out more and fight for what they want. Look at all my peers' excitement over Nicole S, the NSP rock star. She shouldn't hog all the limelight, for her fellow GRC contenders in her team look sorely like her entourage or helpers.
GE aside, exams prep has been all right, and i do study better at home :) Gonna take my first paper tmr, where quite a few people would have finished already. Kind of like how I finished my exams the EARLIEST last semester and now i finish the LATEST. LOL.
After the last paper and polling day would be my first day at work with STB. Quite hesitant and don't know what to expect. I am most certain i don't know any other person who will be working at STB too, so i might just be the lone ranger :( Hate being alone, especially when it's time for lunch and all that. AIYOH!
Really hope the internship will be nice :)
ALL THE BEST FOR MY EXAMS!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 / 10:53 PM
exams are coming!
Haven't been myself lately, and have had bizarre dreams and thoughts in and out of my mind. Guess that is part of the process.
Exams for me are next friday, and honestly i do feel a little dizzy thinking about it. Parched throat and sweaty palms. But i am just going to do what i can and head for the exams like it is. Nothing much i can try to manipulate too.
Life has been banal, and i have been gaining weight. Slowly looking like a pear now. Ugly. Not gonna do much about it except to go for runs whenever i can! But the weather these few days has been awfully erratic that its hard to arrange for a run at the track, unless i head to the gym and sweat it out on the treadmill. Muahaha.
I kind of rejected two internships today, and i hope i made the right choices. Got rejected by EDB, but that's okay, because the phone interview was really tough and the interviewer asked me some pretty challenging question. I gave my best analysis and thoughts, and i guess that should be enough. Let the smarter people take the lead!
MFA is kind of interesting, but too bad that they only do 4 week internships! And the timings are so strange. Singapore Pools was like 0.0... Not too keen on taking it.
Oh, and i rejected OBS too, because it required me to travel to Pulau Ubin EVERYDAY. This means i have to reach PUNGGOL JETTY EVERYDAY from Monday to Friday by 8.15am, or reach Commonwealth by 715am. WHOA WHOA WHOA. So much for island life!
Well, not left with much choices. Hope i do get something!
Gotta head back to the books now, and rest early for the night cos i got an early morning consultation with Prof Ho for urban sociology. Sigh, this is one of the modules that i feel very worried for, partly because i don't know what he wants. What makes him tick and such. I know as students we should not be thinking about such things, but i cannot help it but feel that sometimes we have to write things that professors like. Sacrificing intellectual freedom perhaps, but its the GRADES. And the bell curve. Sigh!
Cannot help but to also feel that many other people in Sociology are more prepared than me, and the same thing applies for the rest of the cohort. I feel very unprepared, and i fear that i might lag behind. SIGH!!! Gotta get back my confidence in everything!
JIA YOU JIA YOU!
Thursday, April 14, 2011 / 9:35 PM
Here is a picture of my er ge when he was in NYC last year in Feb. He was trying to take a picture with this statue using a timer shot haha. So cute right?
I wish he was here.
Revision for me has been painfully slow and arduous. I had a terrible gastric/back ache on Tuesday, and i couldn't sit straight or bear with the pain and discomfort despite my insistence to stay for urban sociology lecture. Couldn't stay and finish hearing what Prof Ho had to say! DAMN. I don't trust secondary sources, and i am angry with myself that i should have just stayed and hear what Prof had to say for the last lecture.
So i left the lt and tried to get a cab but i was too weak to stand. Feeling really dizzy and nauseatic, i decided to seek help from my friends at school while i go to the clubroom and rest. J and gang came and he sent me back home and got me fishball soup for lunch. I felt much better being at home and dressed comfortably, and chatted with him for a while before dad came home. Then i went to get some rest and boy, that was the start of my nightmare.
I honestly thought that i would recover after sleeping, and then i could go to The Script's concert at fort canning park later in the evening. But man, i developed a super bad fever. My whole body ached while the virus ravaged my system, making me drift in and out of consciousness. I couldn't get myself up to drink water.
Then mum came home and asked if i was okay, and i didnt have the strength to answer her much. So it was dinner time and they asked me to go downstairs for dinner but all i wanna do is just to lie in bed. But i dragged myself out and i was so feverish and unwell i feel as if my back is going to snap into half. I was having a really really bad back ache.
I couldn't eat but a few morsels of porridge and some spicy bamboo shoots. I felt so uncomfortable that i then left the dining table to lie down at the sofa. And all this time it was raining really heavily. So my parents dragged me to see a doctor at around 8 plus.
Anyway, the doctor told me that i might have "suspected dengue". I was like "WHAT!?!" He said my symptoms are uncannily similar to pre-dengue stages, and that i should take my medicine and see if things improve. If not, then i have to come back for a blood test already.
Seriously, i thought a bomb had dropped into my world. DENGUE??! How could i have dengue? As delirious as i was, the last thing i want is to have dengue happen to me because my exams are coming.
As it turns out, it was a scare after all.
So here i am, whining about my lack of motivation to study for the upcoming exams. I don't know what is wrong with me, but my sense of confidence and independence has dissipated quite a bit this semester. The usual confidence that i have in myself waned, and i feel very scared in doing a lot of things. I find life sometimes meaningless too, and i wonder what is the point in striving so hard for. I lose myself over social media and the internet sometimes, hoping to escape into someone else's world so that i can have less troubles and pains. I day dream about all the other possibilities and escape routes, but things that i would never be able to do. Silly me huh?
I can totally predict how things will look like this semester, and strangely i find myself letting go. I don't want to drown, but i don't want to swim. It's like i wish someone would just dive down and rescue me or just throw me a life buoy.
Sunday, April 10, 2011 / 10:28 AM
dear er ge
Just saw er ge's friend's post on his facebook wall, saying how she thought he was still around. I teared looking at that post, because just like her, i always feel that er ge is still around, and he is just like any other day, sitting around at home playing his games.
Lim Hon Yee John.
This name is a name that i have known for the past 22 years of my life, and i am proud to have him as my brother and that i am his baby sister. Everytime i open the letter box, i will help my family members sort out the letters and then i usually place them at the stair case or leave on their respective tables. So when i get my er ge's letters i will put them on his keyboard so that he will be able to read them.
Even till now, i feel that he is not dead. Words like "passed away", "died", "dead", "car accident", "autopsy" hit me real hard. And flashbacks of him in the morgue, his body all cold and hard, scratches, that deadly blow to his skull, his face all serene like how i recall. I cannot help but keep imagining what must have gone through his mind when his car went out of control. He must be so regretful and afraid, and "oh shit". He never wanted this to happen, but there is no second chance for him anymore.
Why is life so unfair towards him? He has finally graduated after trying to hard, and gotten a great job with CS. His life was just about to begin, and heaven had to take him away. He didn't even had a chance to fight for his life, because that blow to his head killed him.
I am sure he must have felt a lot of pain. Even if it is for a split second, the pain must have been so excruciating, so painful because it was such a massive hit. And there he was, splashed with mud as his car hit the divider and went down the drain. It must have been really really cold and wet. And horrible people who took advantage of the situation, and caused information and critical seconds lost.
I cannot forgive myself everytime i think about this. Images of his dead body haunt me, because i felt that i didnt do anything for my er ge. He loved me so much, but i didnt do anything for him. And i am crying as i type this entry in the school library, and the last thing i want is for someone to see me like this.
No, i cannot get over this emotional flashbacks, where i remember how it's like to be at the morgue, looking at him, touching his ice cold hand and face. The kind of anguish and pain i felt was really beyond words. I have never cried so hard and felt so sorrowful. I don't even know how to adequately describe my feelings.
I just want my er ge back. Even if he was crippled or a vegetable, i would want to spend the last moments of his life together with him. I wasn't even there by his side when he breathed his last. I wasn't there! What was i doing?! I was having fun with my friends! I didn't know anything despite him caring so much for me, always making sure that i had enough money when i was on sep, flying all the way from singapore to montreal so that i wouldn't be lonely for CNY, feeling so sick but kept quiet because he didn't want to upset the day trip to quebec.
Sometimes i wonder why, why do things happen the way they did. Did my er ge die for some reason?? Why not let him be a vegetable or cripple? At least we will still have him with us right? Why let him die so fast, without us even seeing his last?
And my memories are really strong, especially the morning that he left for KL. I had no idea why i couldn't sleep, and i stayed up watching TV till 3am. Then i decided to head upstairs and sleep, and that was when er ge woke up and was getting ready to head out. In the dim orange light of his room, i asked him where is he going, and he said he was going on a day trip to KL with his friends. He didnt want me to ask too much, that i was too naggy or what. So i told him to take care and be careful, and i went to lie in my bed. My brothers talked to each other for a while, while i lay in bed listening to their conversation. Then my er ge switched off the light and went downstairs, and i still remember his shadow as he walked out of his room, past my room and down the stairs. I wanted to get up and tell him to drive safely, but i didnt. And that was the last i saw of him.
Sometimes i wonder if er ge came back to find us at all. In his other form/spirit/soul. In movies, the soul of the dead always comes back to take a look at his family and loved ones before moving on. I always wonder if he came home on the night he died, just that i didn't have the mind to notice anything extraordinary. Or maybe he was there at a corner in the morgue, looking at us coming to pick him up.
I really miss my er ge so so so so much. I don't know what i can do to ease the pain, to aid myself in becoming a stronger person. I know he wants me to do well for my studies, to not be as lazy as he was in his uni days. But sometimes, i feel like giving up. I wonder what meaning is there in studying so hard now that er ge is gone. I know that that should not be a reason to justify my slackness. But i feel so different from before. I feel very very despondent at times, without a goal. I hate to behave and feel this way, and i need to get out of this limbo.
Er ge, Shuli misses you a lot, do you know? Shuli really wishes for you to come back, to scold her, chat with her, jog with her during evenings, show her really cool videos, take her for a spin in your car, she really wants to buy more koi and chicken wings for you. Shuli really misses you.