urbanista

elections

2011-08-25T17:12:00.002+08:00

Havent been blogging regularly, and thus have subjected this cyber realm to a little bit of drop ins from random strangers and autobots.

NUSSU Elections are coming up, and well i must say that the competition feels rather intense. Perhaps i don't have the support of many juniors, since well, i am already Year 4 and have not been super around in all the orientation camps. But i guess it's really okay, because i really want to do what i set out to do. I don't want to waste any of my time doing things that i don't enjoy anymore. Just do it, i tell myself. Even though there is a chance that i might be shattered or upset, i don't care anymore. Life is way too short to think about what other people think about you.

So this elections, i am going in with a super big open heart and let the FASS student population decide.

Today's weather has been cranky, and the rain reminds me of Er Ge again. There was a huge hornet that flew into my room, and of course, the first thing i did was to ask "Is that you, Er Ge?". I guess i pretty much do that to all the little creatures that appear in front of me when i am feeling most melancholic. And talking to myself sometimes does elicit strange stares from people. But i am okay with that in my universe.

Year 4 has started, and i gotta tell ya, people seem to be really competitive. I feel this sense of extreme mission to succeed no matter what from the cohort, and that includes stepping on each others' bodies to climb to the top. Pretty jarring concept there, but the intuition and ESP all points to that. I don't know am i being paranoid or something, but there is this morbid fear that everyone is way better than me and i had better pull up my socks real high.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on- Henry Ellis

work life

2011-07-29T10:13:00.002+08:00

Realised i have not posted here in a while already. Been busy with my internship and really don't feel like looking at the computer screen after a long day at work.

Wanted to blog today because i was feeling quite wretched with technology today. What an irony right? I couldn't send text messages this morning on my phone, and there was supposed to be a breakfast gathering with the rest of the interns but because i woke up late and reached work at 910am i thought i wouldn't make it in time for the breakfast, since i had division meeting at 930am. Why why, the division meeting has been postponed because the ACE is here and till now, we are all still waiting to go for the meeting.

I could have gone for breakfast with the rest of the interns. Fuck man. It's not like my relationship with them is amazing or something. And this is the most opportune moment to make peace with them. And congratulations to some stupid postponed meeting that i cannot do so. GREAT. PERFECT.

I dunno why i cannot gel with the interns. I guess its partly because i am too haughty in some ways, looking down on them because they always tell me that they have nothing to do. No work, boss not in so they come in very late etc. It pisses me off damn bad when i hear that, partly also because i have loads to do. The expectations flung at me is that of a permanent staff working here. I don't know if i should be sad or happy that there are high expectations of me, but hey, i am just an intern here you know? I am not paid that much to do so much, but i am.

I know i shouldn't be complaining, since i am in a horrid mood and the things that i write about wouldn't be pretty. But i just feel so indignant that i couldn't meet the interns! It just pisses me off so bad! I COULD HAVE JUST GONE DOWN instead of waiting here. I hate this!

Work life pains me. I wish i could study forever and become a professor or something.

ARGH!!!!! It's Friday, and i shouldn't really dampen my own spirits like this. JIA YOU JIA YOU!!! IT'S FRIDAY!!!!

Getting back on my feet

2011-05-01T23:26:00.005+08:00

I guess we all have to recalibrate and get on with our lives. Even if times make you feel like you wanna slit your wrists, drink detergent, inhale carbon monoxide, mix alcohol and sleeping pills, jump off the top floor of a high rise building, hurl yourself towards oncoming traffic and simply try to release yourself from this world, NEVER GIVE UP.

Recently, i have been in doldrums because i didn't go well for the finals for this mod that i got an A/A+ for mid terms, which constituted half of the grade. I cried over it, as i looked at my er ge's post mortem pictures and his funeral pictures. I felt like i have let him down, that despite him always telling me to buck up and study hard, i failed him. I was too full of myself, thinking that i will do okay for the paper and that it is open book anyway. But the compulsory question threw me off, and i didnt plan well for the second question.

I felt really useless and stupid, and i wonder what he will say about me like this.

So i bawled, and i couldn't breathe or talk properly, and my dad comforted me, brought me for dinner outside while we watched the royal wedding that was broad-casted live on channel 5. Watching that royal wedding was so nice, not just because Kate looked super thin (which i really hope for), her dress was elegant, but really because it was a happy ending, at least for now. A magical moment, which i am sure must have also been nerve-wrecking and exhausting.

My mood was uplifted, and i felt better. And then i watched Princess Diaries yesterday, and it was all nice and disney-ish.

Well i guess the glass can always be half full or half empty, seeing things the way you choose to see them. Got the above picture from leilockheart, and i love her blog and her collection of photos. Some are very inspiring, while some really prick.

My life this first half of 2011 has been really bad, but i must emerge victorious.

Singapore General Elections 2011 and NUS EXAMS!

2011-04-28T22:13:00.005+08:00

Life now revolves around the exams and my aching arms, and not to forget the Singapore General Elections 2011!

Its a every 5 year event, and i am glad that i get to vote this time round. The PAP lorry has been coming by pretty often, broadcasting messages in all dialects and languages. Their posters are also up, and somehow they seem more organised than the opposition party, who i have yet to hear nor see their physical presence or other forms of publicity. Come on opposition! If you guys truly want to contest, then show yourselves! Otherwise it's pretty unconvincing to want people to vote for you if you don't even make yourself known to the voters. Tsk tsk.

Anyway, twitter now is always flooded with GE news and tweets about rallies and whatnot. So is facebook. Seriously, quite exhausted with the massive reports and inundation of information. Pretty hard for us to pay attention to all these when its in the midst of our exams period. Are we an apathetic lot? Most certainly not! Youths are vocal and critical, but sometimes impractical. But nonetheless, there is a tendency for youths to speak out more and fight for what they want. Look at all my peers' excitement over Nicole S, the NSP rock star. She shouldn't hog all the limelight, for her fellow GRC contenders in her team look sorely like her entourage or helpers.

GE aside, exams prep has been all right, and i do study better at home :) Gonna take my first paper tmr, where quite a few people would have finished already. Kind of like how I finished my exams the EARLIEST last semester and now i finish the LATEST. LOL.

After the last paper and polling day would be my first day at work with STB. Quite hesitant and don't know what to expect. I am most certain i don't know any other person who will be working at STB too, so i might just be the lone ranger :( Hate being alone, especially when it's time for lunch and all that. AIYOH!

Really hope the internship will be nice :)

ALL THE BEST FOR MY EXAMS!

exams are coming!

2011-04-20T22:53:00.002+08:00

Haven't been myself lately, and have had bizarre dreams and thoughts in and out of my mind. Guess that is part of the process.

Exams for me are next friday, and honestly i do feel a little dizzy thinking about it. Parched throat and sweaty palms. But i am just going to do what i can and head for the exams like it is. Nothing much i can try to manipulate too.

Life has been banal, and i have been gaining weight. Slowly looking like a pear now. Ugly. Not gonna do much about it except to go for runs whenever i can! But the weather these few days has been awfully erratic that its hard to arrange for a run at the track, unless i head to the gym and sweat it out on the treadmill. Muahaha.

I kind of rejected two internships today, and i hope i made the right choices. Got rejected by EDB, but that's okay, because the phone interview was really tough and the interviewer asked me some pretty challenging question. I gave my best analysis and thoughts, and i guess that should be enough. Let the smarter people take the lead!

MFA is kind of interesting, but too bad that they only do 4 week internships! And the timings are so strange. Singapore Pools was like 0.0... Not too keen on taking it.

Oh, and i rejected OBS too, because it required me to travel to Pulau Ubin EVERYDAY. This means i have to reach PUNGGOL JETTY EVERYDAY from Monday to Friday by 8.15am, or reach Commonwealth by 715am. WHOA WHOA WHOA. So much for island life!

Well, not left with much choices. Hope i do get something!

Gotta head back to the books now, and rest early for the night cos i got an early morning consultation with Prof Ho for urban sociology. Sigh, this is one of the modules that i feel very worried for, partly because i don't know what he wants. What makes him tick and such. I know as students we should not be thinking about such things, but i cannot help it but feel that sometimes we have to write things that professors like. Sacrificing intellectual freedom perhaps, but its the GRADES. And the bell curve. Sigh!

Cannot help but to also feel that many other people in Sociology are more prepared than me, and the same thing applies for the rest of the cohort. I feel very unprepared, and i fear that i might lag behind. SIGH!!! Gotta get back my confidence in everything!

JIA YOU JIA YOU!

Sick

2011-04-14T21:35:00.004+08:00

Here is a picture of my er ge when he was in NYC last year in Feb. He was trying to take a picture with this statue using a timer shot haha. So cute right?

I wish he was here.

Revision for me has been painfully slow and arduous. I had a terrible gastric/back ache on Tuesday, and i couldn't sit straight or bear with the pain and discomfort despite my insistence to stay for urban sociology lecture. Couldn't stay and finish hearing what Prof Ho had to say! DAMN. I don't trust secondary sources, and i am angry with myself that i should have just stayed and hear what Prof had to say for the last lecture.

So i left the lt and tried to get a cab but i was too weak to stand. Feeling really dizzy and nauseatic, i decided to seek help from my friends at school while i go to the clubroom and rest. J and gang came and he sent me back home and got me fishball soup for lunch. I felt much better being at home and dressed comfortably, and chatted with him for a while before dad came home. Then i went to get some rest and boy, that was the start of my nightmare.

I honestly thought that i would recover after sleeping, and then i could go to The Script's concert at fort canning park later in the evening. But man, i developed a super bad fever. My whole body ached while the virus ravaged my system, making me drift in and out of consciousness. I couldn't get myself up to drink water.

Then mum came home and asked if i was okay, and i didnt have the strength to answer her much. So it was dinner time and they asked me to go downstairs for dinner but all i wanna do is just to lie in bed. But i dragged myself out and i was so feverish and unwell i feel as if my back is going to snap into half. I was having a really really bad back ache.

I couldn't eat but a few morsels of porridge and some spicy bamboo shoots. I felt so uncomfortable that i then left the dining table to lie down at the sofa. And all this time it was raining really heavily. So my parents dragged me to see a doctor at around 8 plus.

LOOOOOONG WAIT.

Anyway, the doctor told me that i might have "suspected dengue". I was like "WHAT!?!" He said my symptoms are uncannily similar to pre-dengue stages, and that i should take my medicine and see if things improve. If not, then i have to come back for a blood test already.

Seriously, i thought a bomb had dropped into my world. DENGUE??! How could i have dengue? As delirious as i was, the last thing i want is to have dengue happen to me because my exams are coming.

As it turns out, it was a scare after all.

So here i am, whining about my lack of motivation to study for the upcoming exams. I don't know what is wrong with me, but my sense of confidence and independence has dissipated quite a bit this semester. The usual confidence that i have in myself waned, and i feel very scared in doing a lot of things. I find life sometimes meaningless too, and i wonder what is the point in striving so hard for. I lose myself over social media and the internet sometimes, hoping to escape into someone else's world so that i can have less troubles and pains. I day dream about all the other possibilities and escape routes, but things that i would never be able to do. Silly me huh?

I can totally predict how things will look like this semester, and strangely i find myself letting go. I don't want to drown, but i don't want to swim. It's like i wish someone would just dive down and rescue me or just throw me a life buoy.

dear er ge

2011-04-10T10:28:00.004+08:00

Just saw er ge's friend's post on his facebook wall, saying how she thought he was still around. I teared looking at that post, because just like her, i always feel that er ge is still around, and he is just like any other day, sitting around at home playing his games.

Lim Hon Yee John.

This name is a name that i have known for the past 22 years of my life, and i am proud to have him as my brother and that i am his baby sister. Everytime i open the letter box, i will help my family members sort out the letters and then i usually place them at the stair case or leave on their respective tables. So when i get my er ge's letters i will put them on his keyboard so that he will be able to read them.

Even till now, i feel that he is not dead. Words like "passed away", "died", "dead", "car accident", "autopsy" hit me real hard. And flashbacks of him in the morgue, his body all cold and hard, scratches, that deadly blow to his skull, his face all serene like how i recall. I cannot help but keep imagining what must have gone through his mind when his car went out of control. He must be so regretful and afraid, and "oh shit". He never wanted this to happen, but there is no second chance for him anymore.

Why is life so unfair towards him? He has finally graduated after trying to hard, and gotten a great job with CS. His life was just about to begin, and heaven had to take him away. He didn't even had a chance to fight for his life, because that blow to his head killed him.

I am sure he must have felt a lot of pain. Even if it is for a split second, the pain must have been so excruciating, so painful because it was such a massive hit. And there he was, splashed with mud as his car hit the divider and went down the drain. It must have been really really cold and wet. And horrible people who took advantage of the situation, and caused information and critical seconds lost.

I cannot forgive myself everytime i think about this. Images of his dead body haunt me, because i felt that i didnt do anything for my er ge. He loved me so much, but i didnt do anything for him. And i am crying as i type this entry in the school library, and the last thing i want is for someone to see me like this.

No, i cannot get over this emotional flashbacks, where i remember how it's like to be at the morgue, looking at him, touching his ice cold hand and face. The kind of anguish and pain i felt was really beyond words. I have never cried so hard and felt so sorrowful. I don't even know how to adequately describe my feelings.

I just want my er ge back. Even if he was crippled or a vegetable, i would want to spend the last moments of his life together with him. I wasn't even there by his side when he breathed his last. I wasn't there! What was i doing?! I was having fun with my friends! I didn't know anything despite him caring so much for me, always making sure that i had enough money when i was on sep, flying all the way from singapore to montreal so that i wouldn't be lonely for CNY, feeling so sick but kept quiet because he didn't want to upset the day trip to quebec.

Sometimes i wonder why, why do things happen the way they did. Did my er ge die for some reason?? Why not let him be a vegetable or cripple? At least we will still have him with us right? Why let him die so fast, without us even seeing his last?

And my memories are really strong, especially the morning that he left for KL. I had no idea why i couldn't sleep, and i stayed up watching TV till 3am. Then i decided to head upstairs and sleep, and that was when er ge woke up and was getting ready to head out. In the dim orange light of his room, i asked him where is he going, and he said he was going on a day trip to KL with his friends. He didnt want me to ask too much, that i was too naggy or what. So i told him to take care and be careful, and i went to lie in my bed. My brothers talked to each other for a while, while i lay in bed listening to their conversation. Then my er ge switched off the light and went downstairs, and i still remember his shadow as he walked out of his room, past my room and down the stairs. I wanted to get up and tell him to drive safely, but i didnt. And that was the last i saw of him.

Sometimes i wonder if er ge came back to find us at all. In his other form/spirit/soul. In movies, the soul of the dead always comes back to take a look at his family and loved ones before moving on. I always wonder if he came home on the night he died, just that i didn't have the mind to notice anything extraordinary. Or maybe he was there at a corner in the morgue, looking at us coming to pick him up.

I really miss my er ge so so so so much. I don't know what i can do to ease the pain, to aid myself in becoming a stronger person. I know he wants me to do well for my studies, to not be as lazy as he was in his uni days. But sometimes, i feel like giving up. I wonder what meaning is there in studying so hard now that er ge is gone. I know that that should not be a reason to justify my slackness. But i feel so different from before. I feel very very despondent at times, without a goal. I hate to behave and feel this way, and i need to get out of this limbo.

Er ge, Shuli misses you a lot, do you know? Shuli really wishes for you to come back, to scold her, chat with her, jog with her during evenings, show her really cool videos, take her for a spin in your car, she really wants to buy more koi and chicken wings for you. Shuli really misses you.

suckers

2011-03-31T15:47:00.002+08:00

I don't like to have to smile and make merry with you all the time, pretending to be high and have to jostle for attention. Humans are social animals but i don't see why i should do that all the time. It makes me sick that you don't have to do it while there is this a priori expectation required of me, as if i have to suck up to you. There are times that i really feel very sian about all this kind of pandering, and people who expect me to behave in a certain way because they EXPECT me to. Like i have to laugh and make jokes all the time, be super cheerful, eat a lot. I won't even begin to apologise for my disdain in the nature of friendship we have sometimes. Perhaps it's because i have a very high set of expectations of what i hope to get out of your friendship, and that's just utterly saddening when you don't seem to reach those benchmarks. Gosh, it gets me riled up to see how sometimes you can be so unfeeling and purposely ignore my feelings. It's as if you see someone has cut herself and then you say, aiyoh, your blood dirtied the floor. Typing this on er ge's netbook. Still has his stuff on it. My life is on a downward spiral. And i don't have anyone to pull me out of it.

2011-03-30T01:04:00.002+08:00

It's been a while.

I cried again, thinking of how life is so transient and fragile. Anything can happen to us. One minute we are happily enjoying our food, laughing and making merry, and the next moment we can get hit by a car and die of a head injury. All that effort put into studying, mugging for our future, preparation for your work comes to naught.

Why, do we then study so hard?

I don't know what to make of this.

I miss you er ge, i miss you so much. I wish you were here with me.

Remember Love

2011-03-19T23:30:00.003+08:00

My heart feels like it has been ripped into pieces after watching this one episode of Incredible Tales. It was about how two friends who went on a trip together met with a car accident, and one of them who is dating their mutual friend, died. He loved the lady deeply, and after he died at the crash site his soul came back to find the woman and his friend, to urge them to be together.

I felt very affected by the scenes, because it reminded me of Er Ge.

He crashed his car too, and died at the spot. We went to identify his body at the morgue. We brought him back.

It was a painful reminder to what i had gone through, and i wondered if Er Ge was watching us all the time, trying to reach out to us and talk to us and say how sorry he is and how he wished that this never happened. He must have been at the corner of the room, trying to talk to us and yet feeling relieved that his family is finally here for him, to bring him back to where is home. And i cannot imagine that pain and anguish that must have engulfed him, where he stood looking at his mangled car and dead body at the accident site.

His beloved car was also being looted and his blackberry stolen. Can you imagine his sense of helplessness? His anger? He had so much waiting for him, to be realised, and all this can never be fulfilled because of a moment. Stupid rain, bloody rain that had to come at this time! WHY !!!!

Every time i think of my er ge, i feel very sad.

I remembered there was this one time when i was in year 2, he asked me to drive he and his friends to the airport when i was still a fresh driver. I was a bit scared, but heck there was nothing to lose. We took PIE down, and his friends, 2 ladies, were at the back while he sat beside me. It started to rain real heavily, and visibility was very low. I got very scared and worried because we were on the highway and driving at at least 60km/h with low visibility. So er ge asked me to slow down, switch on my headlights and wiper, and pay attention to the road. It was really very very heavy, and i could only see the lights of the car directly in front of me. So i listened to what he asked me to do.

He even tried to scare me, saying that that certain part of the road was haunted and there may be white figures floating across the road. I was annoyed, and went wah lao, trying to scare me ah!! He laughed, and so did his friends at the back. And then we reached the airport safely and he went overseas with his friends. It was nice, and the drive back was comfortable, with the rain stopping already and the sun out, just nice for sunset.

I miss you er ge, i miss you so much that i cannot sleep at night, waiting for you to come back. Somehow i always wish you could come back, enter my dreams and tell me and talk to me, being there and letting me see you again. I miss you so much!!!! Why won't you come back?? Do you want me to cry till i am blind? Please come back, scold me, tell me off, just don't disappear and don't let me find you at all. Why won't you show yourself? Why cant i see you? Why do you have to go just like that? Do you know that i miss you so much? Do you know that i cry a lot? Do you know that i wish you were here to give me advice on everything? Do you know that i miss you showing me all those cool videos? Do you know that i miss seeing your room light on whenever i walk home? Do you know that i miss hearing you come out of your room and refill your bottle? Do you know that i miss coming home and seeing you in your room at your desk playing with your computer?

er ge, i miss you a lot. 我真的很想再看到你。虽然我害怕你会用什么样子回来，可是我还是很想再见你，看到你的人，听到你的声音。有时我真的很难过，可是我不知道要怎么办。你每次都会让我觉得很有安全感，所以有什么表格，我一定放你的名字和电话，因为我知道需要联络你的时候，你一定都让人找得到。但是为什么我现在要找你却找不到？你去了哪里？为什么不见了？

快回来，我们都在等你。我好想好想见到你。二哥，你的妹妹很想你！！！！！！！快回来吧。。。这样的日子很辛苦，很难受。

Secularist

2011-03-19T00:03:00.002+08:00

Feeling very jaded with the religion. Wonder if there is something else that motivates us, spurs us, make things happens?

Everytime i talk to my nussd friends, they seem to be evoking religious concepts and precepts and teachings in whatever things that they see and do. Something along those lines and also quoting the leader's words, such as "xxx says we must do this, thus we should do this..." and almost everything can be rationalised and attributed to what this or that leader has said.

SERIOUSLY ENOUGH.

Why does every single issue have to revolve around the religion that we have? Why can't you just offer an analysis on the situation with a more secular perspective that is owned by you? Or thinking on your own feet and being true? And why not provide solutions and advice that are more real world that appeases our souls instead of telling me to go chant? I KNOW religion does help, and i WILL seek it, but could you not just do religion-speak all the time? It pisses me off real bad.

Time to revive myself somehow. Reconnect with nussd.

why does it have to be my er ge?

2011-03-10T23:46:00.003+08:00

Haven't been blogging for a while. My thoughts have always been out of this world and i never seem to be able to anchor them down much. Keep having recollections that are painful and i don't know how to stop them.

Saw an MX5 while on my way to school in the evening for a meeting. I couldn't breathe you know. I just kept looking at that red MX5 because it was the SAME car as my Er Ge's. I couldn't take my eyes off it too, because i kept wondering how it would have been like to have been in the car when he crashed it into the divider, and feeling so scared and overwhelmed and full of regrets then immense pain as the metal pierced through the door and dealt him a blow to his head, which ultimately ended his life on the spot. And it was raining like this too, on a saturday evening.

He was already on his way back to Singapore, and just 2 more hours before he will be back in the safety of the house and in his familiar surroundings. Then i would have gotten home at night and saw him still sitting at his broken chair playing his computer stuff and drinking from his plastic bottle. Then i would just do my own things as i hear the music and sounds coming from his room. Then he would have came down to the living room as we watch tv as we usually do on saturday nights, and then he would go up to his room and sleep only around 2-3 am.

But that Saturday was the most painful one. Jan 15.

Till now i cannot get over his death. Someone so close to me, someone whom i had grew up with all my life, calling him Er Ge Er ge, going to him whenever i needed help in some of my essays and things, and him just being a very easy going and nice person. He never complained much, and he was very judicious and upright. He never takes sides, and he only stands on the side with the truth. Everything he did he never wanted to bother anyone or trouble anyone. At times, this made him a very independent person who never really needed to stick with groups or whatsoever. He is comfortable in his own skin, enjoys what he can enjoy, and aspires for life's finest.

Now all i keep having are images of him on the table of the morgue, his chest being sewn up in stitches after having gone through an autopsy. His face with some scratches, and frothing at the mouth. He was the Er Ge that i knew all my life, my 22 years of living. But there he is, liveless and cold and hard, no longer responding to us! He got into an accident in Malaysia, and that killed him. I touched his face, telling him that we are all here, mum, dad, da ge and me. His eyes were trying so hard to open because he knew we are all here finally. He died with the heavy rain and mud, and he had to stay in a foreign land in such a cold room for the night. Imagine his fear! His pain! His longing for his family and loved ones! Too young to die.

Everything still feels like a nightmare to me, and i want to wake up from it. But i cannot, because er ge is gone forever. I have heard of people dying and how painful it is through the news or reading newspapers, but i never knew it would hurt this much especially when it happens to me. I feel like a part of me died, and there is this dulling of my ardour for life. I feel a lack of impetus in doing anything. I feel like just going away for a while, get away from things here. But i cannot. My mum is here, my dad is here, my da ge is here.

I don't know how to face my friends sometimes. When they ask me how i am coping, i just say all is good. At times i feel very much normal, but then it hits me with flashbacks of my er ge. It makes me contemplate about my own mortality. It makes me think about all the WHY??

Where is my er ge now? Is he in heaven, as we all hope he is? In a better place? What if he is not? What if he is trapped in that place? I cannot be truly happy now. I feel like i owe my er ge. What if he is repaying my debts, my sins? I feel angry with myself that i couldn't do anything to help him or relieve his pain. At least, i wished that he was injured or something, and we can all still be together. But why be so cruel and not give him another chance? Another chance to live and be with us? He even bought a ticket for a concert in March you know, and now he will never get to see it for himself.

The calendar in his room reminds me of him too. He would always strike out each day that passed, and jan 15th remains blank, with the word "Track?". Damn his hobby. I wished he never liked cars and driving, so that he could have stayed alive in Singapore. I wished he had never gone on this trip, to Malaysia with his friends he didn't know well. And looking at the pictures he took just 1.5 hours before he died of cats and cars just crushes me. Why, why not let him live? We were all supposed to go attend the wedding dinner of my cousin on Sunday! And he died, just like that.

Everytime, i wish i could see my Er Ge's spirit in my dreams, telling me his thoughts and feelings. But that could be just my psychology making up everything, because i had wanted it to be this way. I feel very torn up, and i don't know what can i do to help myself tide over this. I want to know and hear my er ge, but there is nothing more.

The tears just keep coming and they won't spare any mercy.

direction to take

2011-02-26T03:06:00.002+08:00

Just thought i would update this blog for a bit before i retire for the morning. Talk about having a healthy lifestyle, which should equate to an early night and an early morning!

I have been stuck at the computer for the entire day now, and it has been well, more than 12 hours of reading, researching, typing and thinking. Guess the recess week is never really a recess week huh? Two essays to do, 1 mid term to study for, and i still got to take at least 5 pictures for the mid term exam. Not exactly someone who manages her workload well huh?

And to think that i had wanted to start this sem anew with less procrastination and more diligence. But i guess er ge's incident kind of derailed me a bit, and i am still in the process of trying to get my footing back. Time and tide waits for no man, and apart from the occasional breaks of looking at blogshops, websites and inane news, the religion paper has got my attention.

Went to find out more about Bill Cunningham, the street photographer for NYC. He takes pretty good shots, and has quite a personality. His signature blue jacket and raspy voice was quite alluring in a strange way, and i kind of appreciate that this celebrated man has a very humble disposition and not pompous at all. I like that great people don't put on airs, not to even ask of ordinary people.

Guess i had better get some sleep. Essay marathon in the day!

sing a song

2011-02-20T23:47:00.003+08:00

Just a song that reminded me of my er ge. Whenever i high-five him, i will sing this short part of a song.

Guess the stump isn't fully ready yet huh, C S Lewis?

Not catching up in my studies, feeling very behind time. Feeling out of sorts, feeling discontented, feeling breathless. So much essays to do yet no drive to do them AT ALL. Life is meaningless this way.

Friends who disappoint all the time, who remain always unheard. Best friends you say? I don't think so. Wonder what is so hard about sending an sms or fb wall post at the very least. And you still dare to say you care about me. Now, S, when i see you, i don't feel a sense of endearing friendship anymore. Maybe you have moved on long ago while i was still stuck here waiting for your return. Regression is no good.

Bah, stop complaining and start living.

All that is solid melts into air

2011-02-18T19:07:00.003+08:00

The day is coming to an end, and strangely i have ended up at the secretariat office by myself with peer support people having their meeting in the room. So here i am typing an entry while i sit here by myself. Funny.

Chomping down on organic macadamia nuts now too. Cute guy walked past the secretariat. Couple holding hands. Envy. Happy friends.

Why do i always feel so melancholic all the time? Time is too short to be wasted on frivolities and petty moments. Why be so mean and formal all the time? Thank goodness i am hiding behind the desk and no on will ever see me here. Invisibility cloak of my own.

There are friends who always say that they want to meet up to do this and that, but such promises always don't seem to materialize and get fulfilled. Is it my fault? Friends who don't seem to gel with me anymore, friends who don't stop and say hi anymore, friends who don't appear on msn, friends who don't look at your facebook/blog.

All that is solid melts into air. Nothing is forever. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend.

I need a real holiday, away from here and with someone i love.

Stop saying you miss me you care catch up soon lunch soon WHEN YOU DON'T INTEND TO DO ANY OF THOSE. Superficial love is bullshit.

Read Marshal Berman if you have time. And perhaps Richard Dawkins too.

out

2011-02-11T02:19:00.003+08:00

Met up with B today and had an okay dinner at Shin Kushiya at vivo. Sushi Tei had a mad long queue. Ton Katsu wasn't that fantastic. The night before was with J and W at the Verve, and the food was okay, LOVE the pizza but the duck confit gave me the runs.

Felt really angry yesterday hearing about the details about my er ge's car. Scumbags took his stereo and electronics out of the car and now everything is gone. I don't want to look at his car and be reminded of the pain, with me partially having no courage to see the last scene of his death being replayed in my mind over and over again. I don't think i can take another blow like that.

But really, this makes me feel that humanity does have a really dark side that we don't see being reported in the newspapers. People who don't stop and help but take advantage of the situation, they really deserve no good ending.

Long way to go huh.

Gotta wake up my idea and stop being so flippant about life. Life is too short to be wasted.

should have stayed home

2011-02-06T21:58:00.002+08:00

At j's place now while i key in this entry. Somehow my lack of interest in gambling has effectively excluded me from the whole group of "friends". I guess that cannot be helped, because i hate gambling even if it is for fun. So if friends cannot accept me, i don't think i can make any compromises.

Feeling a little happy with Er Ge's camera around my neck. At least he is here with me while i sit in his bedroom typing this entry. I guess the only solace i can seek is with myself. Friends? Who ever know if they are truly friends? Will friends say insensitive things that hurt you? Will they just not contact you for prolonged periods of time? And when they do talk to you, they think that it's okay to just pretend that everything is fine and be super chummy? Sorry, i don't take that kind of shit.

And i find it funny that even though friends say they care and they will be here, they are just patronising you. Who the fuck says that they will REALLY be there for you when you need them? Will they answer your call even if it is 430am in the morning? Will they rush to your side when you are feeling like nothing but shit?

I don't know. Am i expecting too much? Should i not expect so much?

I find that it is so hard to just pretend that i am okay and be happy and ra ra. Cant they show a wee bit of concern? SINCERE CONCERN? Everytime i see your faces and concerns i can't help but feel that they are fake. SO SAVE IT!

I hate to feel so abandoned. It reminds me of Er Ge. He was left there to die in the cold cold rain. What were we doing when he needed us the most? We were all too caught up in our own businesses. Too obsessed with people other than FAMILY. Why do we bother? When things truly happen, where are FRIENDS? They are nothing and nowhere. Why would they bother to bring back your body or make sure that you are okay? Who are you to them? You are just a friend, and when something happens= "oh someone i know only".

Perhaps Er Ge's death has made me a more cynical person, because when things truly happened, only your family will be there for you. When people say that you are their "best friend", i don't believe that nonsense anymore. They are always in search for groups of people that they can leech on, where they can benefit and suck the life out of. And once that is done, they move on to other more beneficial and worthy groups.

Do people even remember that John has passed away in the car crash? He has only passed away less than a month ago. DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW THAT?! DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?! DO YOU PEOPLE TRULY CARE!

ALL YOU ALL CARE ABOUT ARE YOURSELVES. YOUR PATHETIC SELFISH SELVES. WHY WOULD YOU STOP AND CARE ABOUT OTHERS? WHY WOULD U EVEN BOTHER! BECAUSE EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU YOU YOU.

This pain hurts. But no one understands. No one is truly offering to help. No one really bothers. Friends, neighbours, they are not trustworthy. Trust nobody but yourself. Now, i don't even know if i can trust myself. Quite sad huh?

Everytime i see tweets or fb statuses about how life sucks for people, how jialat they think their situations are, how angry they are over certain inane things or about guys and relationships, DO YOU BLOODY KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE A BROTHER? TO HAVE TO SEE HIS BODY COLD AND LIFELESS AND COVERED WITH BLOOD? DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PAIN IS THAT? STOP LAMENTING THAT YOUR LIFE IS SO PATHETIC AND ALL THAT.

My brother had a successful career and an even brighter one ahead. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE COMPARED TO HIS!? HE HAD SO MUCH to look forward to, so much more that he could achieve. He studied hard to get his degree and to be a high-flyer. He wanted so much to have an exotic wedding and to take nice pictures. He wanted to visit london and so many countries. He wants to go back to USA again because he didn't have enough time to visit in 2010. He wanted to ascend the corporate ladder and do something even better than he was doing now. And all these will never ever be fulfilled because HE IS DEAD.

What have you to complain about your life? You are still living, breathing and able. Stop bloody complaining and whining and do something good for yourself!

I think i am going to go home now. I cannot stand being in this house any longer. I want to go home to where i can feel safe and comforted. Friends. I don't know anymore.

Too Young to Die

2011-01-25T22:20:00.004+08:00

Every small thing makes me think of you.
Koi bubble tea, Gong Cha, french fries, chicken wings, running, Tabasco, potato chips, shoes, watches, MX5 and cars, Japanese music, classical music, Gatsby, perfume, iPod...

Er Ge, where are you now?
Are you somewhere safe and happy?
Somewhere without pain, suffering and anger?
Are you with Ah Gong and Grandma?
What are you doing now?
What were you thinking of on Sat?
What happened exactly?

So many questions that are left unanswered. And all we have are the remainder of your belongings. And so much more to heal.

I am angry that you left just like that. It is way too unfair and cruel. You do not deserve to end up like this. You have a bright future that awaits you! You are doing well in your career and you are super hardworking, making sure to upgrade yourself continuously and equip yourself to be more valuable and marketable! You are a talent! Why do they have to take you away like that??! It's stupid and a horrible thing to do to our family. You do not deserve this.

And no matter how long it takes, i will never get better. I will never feel better, nor will i be okay. Friends and people around me ask me if i am okay or am i better. The truth is, i will never be. I can be bubbly and happy, but deep down i still feel that i am lost. I wonder if i am suppressing too much, that i might explode somehow. Or have i truly moved on? I DON'T KNOW.

I don't want to move on so fast. I feel guilty for moving on. I feel like a terrible sister for not being there for you when you would have needed me around. I just wasn't there for you! I wasn't there for you when you were there, in pain and all. What was i doing? I was having fun with my friends and i had no idea that you had died. That was what a horrible person i was. Having fun while my brother was dying.

Er Ge, please tell me where you are. Tell me with signs or in my dreams. I want some sort of confirmation from you, where ever you are. I cannot rest my mind, for i keep thinking of how the accident happened and how you must have felt. I cannot stop playing these images and "videos" over and over in my head. So much so that i lose focus of whatever i am doing at hand. I just can't help but keep thinking of the last moments when you lost control of your car. It dominates my mind. It impales my senses and i become so fixated with it.

Sigh, sometimes i am afraid to see you come back as a scary spirit or whatsoever. I don't know. I feel so lost without you here. It's like i could always engage you in intellectual conversations because you are so well-read and with a sharp sense of thought in everything. You can always provide me with fresh perspectives to understand certain issues, although we haven't engaged in such discussions of late.

I am so sorry that i couldn't be a better sister. I am so sorry that i didn't go with you, we might have averted this whole accident. I am so sorry that i wasn't there when you needed me. I wish you knew how much i adored you as my brother, although sometimes i disliked how you talked down to me and belittled me. But Er Ge, you are too young to die. Way too young. So much more to do, yet no more time.

Nothing can make me forget you, because every single thing reminds me of you. Everything. And even if we have disposed of some of your belongings, the memories stay on forever. Your smile, your quirks, your "Arbo!" and habits.

Bye Er Ge.

Dear John

2011-01-23T20:15:00.001+08:00

John Lim Hon Yee
1980-2011

jiayou!

2011-01-12T00:57:00.002+08:00

Feeling a little out of breath recently. Seems like occasionally there is a blockage in my nose and i have problems breathing. Just like this morning i woke up scared because i realised my breathing is pretty laboured. Like there is something stuck in my nose and i cannot seem to breathe in and my chest heaves at that. Scary, really scary.

So i am going to keep myself under observation and see how things go. If this persist i think i will go see the doctor. Quite scared of how i get difficulties in breathing. That's a nightmare really.

School has started and i feel the stress coming on already. Imagine, it's just the start of school and i already feel like a thousand rocks are on my shoulders. I don't feel the same anymore, need some mojo. Or perhaps i am taking on more than what i can handle and it does seem to be so. I am pretty afraid that i might crumble under all that stress. And there doesn't seem to be any one there to help me hold myself up.

Maybe it's the internship that dulled my mind a little. I don't know. I wish things were simpler, or maybe i am just the one complicating everything. I need to think in easier terms. And my fairy godmother has to come back from her holiday NOW.

OKAY! NO FEAR! FULL FORCE AHEAD! JIA YOU! YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU WILL! YOU CAN! PERSEVERE! THINK POSITIVE! DRINK MORE WATER! STAY FOCUSED! WHOO!

:D

:)

2011-01-10T02:23:00.002+08:00

Haven't blogged in quite a while! Have been busy with internship and going out that i don't have time to sit down and think about life and do my daimoku and gongyo. Quite slack in faith recently, and i feel the karma emerging. Guess it's about time to start my faith anew!

School is starting in a few hours. Feeling a little apprehensive about going back to school now. Not able to take any level 4 mods so gonna try to clear all my other pre-req this sem. Some pretty interesting combinations as classmates, so wish me luck!

New Year resolutions: to be a better person! Study hard! Smile more! Take things easy! Lose weight!

25 dec

2011-01-02T02:38:00.001+08:00

Commemorating Singapore Soka Association general meeting
Glad to have emceed once again in Indoor Stadium!
Best way to close 2010 and welcome 2011!

2011-01-02T02:34:00.001+08:00

happy new year!
happy 2011 :)

blabber

2010-12-19T22:47:00.003+08:00

Life is really unpredictable. Sometimes you can be on the top of the world, reeling over with delight and joy, and the next moment your life can take a nose dive and plunge you into states of hell and suffering.

I pray.

So much things have happened, and so much things i wished never happened or happened in another way that would have made the situation so much better now. But a bit too late to talk about such things right?

And did i tell you how much i love typing on my laptop? The sound of the keyboard is always consistent and so nice to listen to that after a while, you just want to speed up and feel it more, to type more.

I smell the smell of the night now, taking it in as the occasional night breeze carries the scent into my room. It's almost as if Nature has hands that caress broken souls.

And sometimes i wonder how would it be like if i could fly, to be able to fly around in the night sky and take a look at the sky line, or to fly to Hong Kong or some other country and just sit at the tallest building and look at the night sky as it is. Fun to have super powers that i can conceal.

Work has been challenging, but boring as it goes on. Googling and googling. Typing and typing. Getting fat as the days go by. Looks.

Okay, help yourselves.

Lone ranger in the academic pursuit

2010-12-03T11:11:00.004+08:00

Day in day out, certain thoughts come to me. What if i had done things very differently? What if i had a different attitude than the one i was so selfishly obsessed over in the past? So many possibilities but no way to change things.

Sometimes it gets really paralysing just thinking about all these things. What am i here for, what is my purpose? Is there something more to life than just these superficial things?

Hope for some people to actually visit this blog and leave some comments in the tag box, but a part of me doesn't want that many people to find out about this blog. Or maybe it isn't that hard to find anyway, since you can just google for my name and it brings you here. Scary how resourceful the net can be.

So much things to look forward to than just fretting over who are taking modules with me next sem. Doesn't matter that i don't have that many sociology friends? Lone ranger in the academic pursuit i have become. Quite depressing, if you think about it. Who doesn't want to study sociology together with people she likes? Study groups, critical mass. We all have a herding mentality that we are so accustomed to that it is so hard to break out of it even though we remind ourselves to every time.

Sigh.

Repairing old relationships are hard.

Anyway, starting my internship next monday at HDB. Scary!!!!! Don't really know what to expect but imma do my best!

Okay, time to head out for pub cell meeting.

faith and gratitude

2010-11-21T22:19:00.004+08:00

I think it is really important to live with gratitude everyday. Just like today, when i woke up in the morning to go for morning gongyo, enjoying the sunshine that feels so great as it falls on my skin. Although i could have slept in (i compensated with a guilty afternoon nap of 1.5 hours :( that i shouldn't have!) and well, slept till really late, i decided to wake up and get out of the house. I love Sundays like these, and i reminisce about our usual family gatherings on Sundays that we don't do anymore. Seems like a distant past.

And perhaps it's the exams period that is causing all these emotions. Really wondered how. Seems like the studying was not too consistent, such as my increasing fears for my Understanding the Universe grade. I really don't want to fail it. I am very scared that i might get a D grade or C-. Very very worried. And when i am very worried i develop severe headaches, so here is one brewing.

Gasp, the semester ends for me soon. Can't believe that just a year ago, i was this same girl preparing hard for her exams yet at the same time superbly excited about going on exchange. Haha now some other girl is like that. Wish i had done my exchange differently!

So now, with the exams resuming tomorrow for me and all the way will be a hellava ride. WOO. As youths, we must challenge ourselves right? So here is to all the challenges and difficulties

as youths, we can do anything and will surmount all

and life is never a bed of roses, but everything is in our hands.

"All our dreams can come true,
if we have the courage to pursue them."
Walt Disney

so much more to life

2010-11-19T21:01:00.003+08:00

I find that humans are all very selfish people. Not our fault, but well we are anyway. No matter how kind and generous you are, there will always be times that you will put yourself before others. I mean this is natural, and there is nothing really wrong with it. Helps you get ahead sometimes. You win some, you lose some.

And usually we don't care too much about other things in our lives as we pursue the finer things, like fame, money, status and more. Everything else seems to matter more, as we get so caught up with this paper chase that we forget about so many other things. I guess in Singapore, we have to be part of the paper chase because that is what propels us ahead and gives us a sense of false security that a degree from a local university would mean that we would somehow be able to survive and move ahead in the corporate world in Singapore. We can blame the government for being so preoccupied with meritocracy, placing everyone's worlds on the education system and grades and academic performance. Sure, the government has some fault to play for creating structures, institutions and systems, but those who experience it shouldn't have to subscribe to it wholesale.

We don't necessarily have to follow what everyone else does, like the cookie cutter. Why do we have to be the same like everyone else? Why should we have to conform to be a certain kind of citizen that the government hopes to have more of? Someone who has good education qualifications, has a stable job and income, in a marriage and has kids? Goes to NTUC and drives a modest car, exercises every weekend, wears New Balance shoes? Why do you want to be the same like everyone else? Would it hurt to be different?

Naturally, i think about the questions that i have asked above all the time. What would i be if i could be someone different, to do things that are different from what everyone else is doing and have done? Linear progression of the life course is inevitable, but the life course is not static and fixed, there are so much more to be done! And we only have one lifetime, so why, why do we want to spend it on achieving some kind of ideal that someone else has set out for us to be?

To be safe, it's always good to just CONFORM. Herding mentality, strength in numbers, blend in, be part of a group, join the majority. If you can't beat them, join them. Sounds so assuring. But isn't this some sort of identity that Betty Friedan once wrote about housewives? Some sort of linger in their hearts and a sense of alienation that begets the question: Who am i?

Going on exchange was a worthy experience, and i would have done it so much better. But in retrospect, students at McGill just have a different sense of life than we do. Singaporeans only care about their grades, their popularity, whether they can get the next top from this online blogshop, whether they are working out enough. Come on kids, there is so much more to life than those superficial obsessions that you have.

For starters, read more. Newspapers are your good sources of information, not gossip magazines or blogs. Be more engaged with the world and this helps you understand what is going on elsewhere than your immediate social environment. Then acquaint with the right people so you don't waste your life away. Too many people are in the wrong company that don't suit your interests and you get distracted. Travel more, not just to tourist spots but immerse yourselves in the local culture instead of being high and mighty and taking on a touristic gaze. Exercise, eat healthy, laugh more.

Haha but who am i to preach!

Guess it's the exam stress that is getting to me. Blabbering and typing at a super fast speed. Gotta get back to social life and i will have one after tmr.

sleepy afternoon

2010-11-12T15:59:00.001+08:00

Quite tired today, judging by how i slept really late at around 3am and then waking up by 8am to rush to school to return the book, only to incur a $1 fine. EEKS. Shouldn't have rushed!!

Super sleepy now, and i wonder if i should take a nap.

Sun's up, sky is bright and reminds me of the past so much. Certain whiffs in the air conjures up so much things.

Need a new hobby, and a focal point for my attention. At least for now i have some new stationery!

never understood the universe

2010-11-09T21:54:00.004+08:00

I really think that some people are just being insincere when they say one thing and do another. And i am fed up with trying to decipher signs and meanings, so just be direct!!!

Understanding the universe today was just a supernova in my world that is going to collapse into a black hole and no amount of Hawking radiation will ever escape! And even with 25 solar masses and lesser the death by black hole theory will still stand. I HATE PC1322 SUCKY MOD EVER. I will reflect my opinions. I WILL.

Anyway, i felt so pathetic today after the test that i just wanted to go back home and hide myself. :( Like to indulge in a few gamma ray bursts.

Haven't been getting much electromagnetic radiation recently, think i need some sort of cosmic expansion. The Doppler shift in me is worsening. Even Stefan-Boltzman might shake their heads in disappointment.

BAH. I think i am becoming an extra-solar planet very soon.

Okay time to move on! Ju En Cai shall be my idol.

what will i have for my wedding?

2010-11-08T01:21:00.002+08:00

my wedding?

flowers, loads of them
my own customised cake, at least 3 tiers
fun and bubbly emcees
several changes of outfits, and not all of them are gowns. hopefully some from vera wang!
not held at a ballroom or a hotel
close friends and family only, extended extended relatives will get either a customised cake from me or sit super far away
Huge dom perignon, moet and chandon champagne x10, moscato x 2
good food
not too formal, people can mingle around
fun activities, like photo shoot booth
huge polaroid camera for me to take many shots
photographers x 3
videographer x 2
pretty and practical wedding gifts
customised invitation card
bridal photo shoots overseas! heeeee
awesome video/pictures montage
pastel colours as theme, or romantic colours like pink + red + violet
diamond princess cut ring from tiffany and co or van cleef & arpels
century wedding hahahhaha

WELL here is a list of things that i want for my own wedding as i went to one today. Really thought of how it would be like, and well i want it to be lavish yet simple, glamourous and chic. So much for studying through the night and i have spent some time doing up this post!!!

Okay back to my books :D

OAR

2010-11-03T23:06:00.004+08:00

Had a good session with the Office of Alumni Relations this afternoon, better than i thought it would be. It was nice to be able to meet the admin people who have been so elusive to us. Now i know that there are so much more things that NUS is doing for its students other than what we already think they are doing and have done. Thumbs up!

School has been okay, still not quite engaged in revision as i would like myself to be. Quite scared actually, but there is this inertia preventing me from being on the ball. Gotta retrieve the old Shuli though. Exam for universe is next tuesday, and whoa i am scared for it even though it's open book. Too much calculations and cheeminology.

Sigh, wish i could go for the trip haha.

Anyway! School is challenging, and this is what makes life interesting and meaningful. Without challenges, what good are youths for!

Take heart in everything you do, smile more because that makes you live longer and stay healthy!

3.4km

2010-11-02T21:02:00.003+08:00

Was walking to Clementi central while taking pictures!

So tired today and finally managed to run a little. Shopped a little too :P So much so that i need to live on bread for the next couple of weeks i guess.

Started my day really early as i headed to Yishun for my dental appointment. Despite researching on the possible routes there i still got a little lost, and wasted some precious fuel going around in circles. Tsk tsk. Thank goodness there was Maps on my iphone that really saved my life. This is why i so need a GPS!!!

As i am typing this entry i feel really sleepy gosh but i have to type out this painful essay part for my group essay @@!#$!@#@%#$(@#%)FDFO#$!)@!

Dinner was good, always loved what mum cooked. But the curry stained my blue braces! :( So it's now a little turquoise again! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I love my blue braces but sadly the colour has changed :( But anyway, it's good news :D

I think my blog is like a blog. Cos i blog about almost everything but mostly what happens to me. And the good thing is that i am assuming there is an audience who reads my blog, but heh lucky or not, there really isn't much of an audience anyway. Oh, and it's not that difficult to read what i am trying to say too.

Recently got to know two pieces of news, quite shocking. Friends getting attached, and suddenly all the signs made sense. Really makes me wonder what exactly is going on in the world now, or perhaps my world is the only one that doesn't makes sense. HEE. Prompted me to go on a bout of deejaying madness in the privacy of my own car.

WELL WELL WELL!!!

School is coming to a close really really soon, like next week, and i am still scared. Worried for the upcoming exams too. Not too sure of myself too. Loads of reservations and hopes for the what-ifs that i should have done long ago. But hey, new clothes help mitigate EVERYTHING ;)

Have to start revision now. Mid term for universe next tuesday and so much more stuff to be done!

JIAYOU SHULI :)

2010-11-01T23:34:00.002+08:00

This is a society that does not like any people with disabilities.
Not even when you cough like mad, sneeze, with your sickening mucus every morning.

Gawd, this is a world that only loves those who are able, who have it and who can.

don't be too sure

2010-10-26T21:20:00.003+08:00

Everytime i try something it doesn't work.
Especially with you, where my efforts just make me look like a fool.
Repairing relationships, past events just bother me too much.
But you, you take me for a fool.
Relishing in how i look stupid while i beg for your attention.
No, i tried my best already.
And you don't reciprocate.
Good, good.
Be in your cocoon then.
You think i am nothing, but hey, don't count your chickens before they hatch.
Just you wait, just you wait.
I am already going to sparkle.

i miss montreal

2010-10-25T21:58:00.004+08:00

Suddenly feel very tired. Prolly because of the late dinner. Sleepy.

I miss Montreal so much, especially looking at the pictures of those who are on exchange. Wish i could have the money and just fly back now!

scaryyyyy

2010-10-25T00:00:00.002+08:00

Had a bout of mild panic attack just now when i was looking at the amount of things to do suddenly. The whole world just crashed into me and i almost forgot to breathe.

Changed a new blogskin, thought this looks not too bad. Although i am a total tech idiot with the html and cannot edit some stuff that i want :\

School is back tmr, and it's unbelievably week 11. Have a sinking feeling, but dunno how to save myself properly. Not good.

Okay, i need my mail to my love now.

muacks

2010-10-24T00:17:00.001+08:00

Time flies.

The rain is making my world hazy and heavy.

Mindy Gledhill - Hourglass

2010-10-22T01:48:00.000+08:00

Super like this song at the moment. Very serene, tranquil and speaks volumes about life.

So when you reach for the stars, don't forget who you are.

Take heart.

:)

2010-10-21T00:20:00.002+08:00

thanks for always anchoring me right where i belong

:)

not a poem

2010-10-18T22:45:00.003+08:00

Every night, a light dims
A smile fades,
Eyes close.
The cities come to a still
The clouds to a lull
The occasional breeze
No pedestrians.
We fall asleep,
And hope to dream.
The skies are colourless,
With the faint glimmer of a distant star.
I turn to stare at the open window,
The dreams flew
Straight out of one's grasp,
And beyond what can be found.
Wildly gesturing in the air,
Seeking solace in what can be repaired,
Perhaps to just feel a little less sombre.
Pearls fall,
Diamonds sparkle.

That's just life.

for you

2010-10-18T01:59:00.002+08:00

As i have always mentioned in my posts, the night always makes me melancholic and memories and emotions just flood in.

I guess this post is for you, if you so happen to still read my blog.

***

School has been a flurry, and it's already week 10. All the juniors are mulling over this and that and filled with energy to bust the finals. Old and frail me here still stuck in the whirlpool of Montreal. Miss McGill and Montreal so much, and all the memories there. I guess i could have done my SEP a lot better, being more generous, more carefree, more relaxed and happier. That's a small price to pay for plonking head on into things that no one has ever given you advice on. But it was definitely all worth it. Afterall, how many times can you do it in your lifetime?

Missed everything so much.

But hey, i am glad to be back with my family. Although i must say that some friends have been terribly estranged from me, but despite reparation efforts, some have definitely been playing on broken strings.

Voila, mademoiselle, c'est la vie.

used to dream a little

2010-10-15T00:14:00.004+08:00

There used to be this little girl named Lisa, who dreamt of butterflies, princesses and of course, to be a beautiful singer adored by many or an air stewardess who flies all around the world, taking in all the sights and doing so much shopping.

As she grew up, such fantasies started to become more grounded, although she never stopped dreaming. She longed for a day where she could really spread her wings and fly, to be someone who she always wanted to be. She did okay in school, didn't particularly stand out and was of average standing. She didn't had boys who chased after her, and she was a good good girl. Lisa was the kind of daughter everyone would not mind having, because she was such an obedient girl, with occasional tantrums but they are not too bad.

Her parents adored her, showered her with gifts and such, and this made her insensitive to money. Her friends would often be surprised at her extravagance, and her generosity, but still that didn't deter her spending habits. Until her family downgraded.

Fast forward.

Lisa was popular, smart and well-liked, but now she is just rock bottom. Suddenly her friends disappear, and she loses the big groups and big laughters. She seeks to find out what is wrong, but some people don't reciprocate. The more she tries the more saddened she is, and the more she feels like killing herself.

It would definitely be a quick way to stop thinking so much, but hey Lisa, are you sure this is worth it?

red pixels

2010-10-13T01:48:00.003+08:00

Well, using this red pixel skin for the time being. The old blogskin had some pictures that photobucket wouldn't host. Not really in the mood to edit everything.

School has been awfully fast, and i guess i am not a projects person. I prefer doing essays, reading journals and books but not doing art and craft.

Need some rejuvenation.

10-10-10

2010-10-10T01:27:00.004+08:00

Always have been reflecting on myself, and always thought i could have done better for so many situations. To have been more astute, more sincere, more thoughtful... All the what-ifs and should-have-beens always come back to me.

Today marks a special day, 10-10-10! Cool, and never will we be able to get something like this again. Once lost, that's that.

Anyway, have been too slack recently. Need to get back my groove fastttttttttttt.

Till the next time.

busy busy once more

2010-09-26T22:01:00.002+08:00

Being busy is an understatement for me these days. And somehow i never have enough time. Or either that i am too tired to go full speed ahead.

Loved the mental health symposium i emceed. Glad that all went well despite major hiccups here and there. Kudos to all the speakers and participants. Yum at the eclairs. I think the ultimate indulgence for a day would be to be able to wolf down a whole tray of chocolate eclairs and savour it all, while licking the chocolate off my fingers. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

And now there is a mid term for tmr, and another on tuesday. So much to study but so little time! Hate to have this year 3 mentality. Pretty scary to just rely on that.

King of Anything is now playing non stop in my mind. Guess it's good to stick to your own opinions and let no one ever come in and sway your mind too much.

School's in tomorrow!

busy bee

2010-09-24T02:07:00.002+08:00

Love this picture! Thank you dinner.
Been pretty drained recently, coupled with so much things to think about. Not easy at all. But heck, take it as it comes.
Jiayou shu

ugh!

2010-09-18T15:13:00.002+08:00

Wanted to post this via my cell but so much things to set up! UGH.

Had a pretty dramatic fall yesterday afternoon in school, and now i am quite injured, and so is my laptop. Parts of it chipped off and dented, and i feel so so so so upset about it. But i guess there is no need to send it for repairs, since i have had this laptop since i was in year 1. Perhaps i should live with these superficial scars and tahan till next year, then i shall get myself a new laptop (if i have the money). Besides that, my bruise is awfully painful and huge. Hurts everytime i move around and if i touch it. And my arm hurts quite a bit. WHAT LUCK! But i was able to laugh at myself, hahahhahahhaa, because it would have been better late than never, and i really didn't have to run so fast and fall down. AND THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO SAW IT. a!@!#09238#$?@#!39]1121@$!#$!

Then there was the NUSSU elections which stretched dramatically from 830pm on Friday night till 1030am this morning. Super torturous and i literally fell asleep during the hon fin presentation. Drifting in and out of consciousness. Hahaha. And it doesn't help that i didn't have dinner on Friday night.

One thing i realise about NUSSU so far is that almost everyone is from NUSSU committees. Anomalies like ME from constituent clubs are GLARINGGGGGGG.

And i hate being an anomaly, an outsider trying so hard to gain a insider status. Partly because of this (and my terrible pain from my bruise) I AM VERY EMO AT THE MOMENT.

Hate not having honest counsel, no sincerity and no critical mass.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

smile my lady

2010-09-16T00:00:00.003+08:00

i simply love this mood

I remember i watched this movie before, staring Cecilia Cheung and some guy about how she is a shrewd who controls his life as his wife and whatnot. Due to some misunderstandings, the guy succumbed to evil naysayers and made his wife drink some potion that makes her forget everything about him and him only, so he can be free of her. After doing all these, he kind of regretted and wanted to atone for his mistakes. But the potion was so strong that it took him quite a fair bit of effort in order to reverse it all and win her back.

Now, the focus of this entry is not so much on this love story but WHERE DO I GET THIS POTION? Wish i could drink it and forget about selective people only. So we can all co-exist and be cordial at least. I don't appreciate the sarcasm and skepticism.

And now work is all piling up but i really don't know how to handle this onslaught. Haha maybe 90% of me is still pining for my exchange days in Montreal, where life was just so free and easy and full of new things. Coming back to Singapore is a long period of withdrawal symptoms, and i struggle to handle my old place and new space. Kind of hard i must say.

But i do enjoy being busy, because that makes my life more meaningful. Makes me so occupied that i have no time to think about silly things that make no sense. Or people or issues. So it's good, and at least i am living life to the fullest. Not quite there yet, but am working on it. Hope to get a job or something during the holidays too, so i can have a broader perspectives of things.

And now all that is left is a few pieces to complete the puzzle. But that's not the main issue i care now. What matters is how i live and had lived my life, and how will i live it.

Mid term later! Jiayou :D

2010-09-15T01:42:00.001+08:00

Can't stand all these geography stuff. Its sociology thats better damn it.

ARGH STRESSED OUT TTM.

Wish i was on exchange now :|

Sian, too much to do too little time.

But that's okay.

2010-09-13T01:40:00.005+08:00

Just found two of the cards you sent me while on exchange. Couldn't help but read them through again and again, examining the sentences carefully, following every stroke. Guess i cannot bring back the feelings anymore. But that's okay. We all move on and do different things as we move along.

And now there are new challenges and mountains to climb. But that's okay. We learn to cope with our problems and find ways to solve our troubles.

New people to handle, old strings to mend. But that's okay, because instinctively we all learn to do that since we were infants. Feelings of anxiety propels us to repair everything. But that's okay.

I know i loved you. But that's okay, because i don't think i can love anymore now. But that's okay.

small things big thoughts

2010-09-02T01:33:00.002+08:00

Occasional panic attacks and intense pangs of emotions do assail me. As much as i would like to declare myself to be a superwoman of some caliber, i am afraid i fall short of that goal at times. But that's okay i suppose, because even heroes have the right to bleed.

Sometimes i look at people who are going about their daily lives. Today when i was on the bus to SMU there was this nun sitting in front of me. I recognised her as a nun because she had this head scarf thing and she dressed plainly. You know, how some nuns look like but not those Chinese nuns. She was sitting opposite me, and looking outside the window with this faint and contented smile on her face. I was looking outside too, but that was because i couldn't really digest the readings on Feminist Geography.

Then after that she started to clean her teeth using her fingers and picking things that made me look away real fast. She then resumed her composure in a short while and changed her seat to sit beside me. I went back to my reading and after a few stops, we alighted together.

Small things like these leave a huge impression.

The SMU event wasn't one of the good ones i did. No crowd during the graveyard timings. Then left to study with B at starbucks and managed to finish two readings, although i seriously doubt myself whether i actually internalised them. Earl Grey tea is so not in my books now. Love the new ring.

And then meeting the gang for dinner was good, although i was dissociative for a bit. XLB at DTF was okay, fried rice tasted reasonable and i love black vinegar. Headed to watch Step Up 3 and well, it certainly got me wanting to move several times during the movie because it was just so inspiring to watch. Wanna dance!

Now here i am typing this entry idiographically. What a day. Fulfilling with small interesting snippets and close friends, and such days keep the life worth living.

wanderlust again?

2010-08-31T23:37:00.003+08:00

That was quite hilarious. What a joke. LOL. How can someone be so funny?

Anyway, school has been quite a hectic ride. Suddenly its already one month into the term and i am still feeling as if i just returned from McGill. Strange flashbacks occur every now and then, about the awesome times i had overseas. Now i long to head to the States and breathe in some maple air and just be in the once familiar campus again. TimeSpace.

Gosh, hate being so emotional about this. But i truly truly loved exchange and i would have extended my exchange if i could. Sadly no such option, but one year exchange would be brilliant.

Imagine, all the travelling and seeing of the world in new ways that people in your comfort zone wouldn't dare to see. Try and taste and savour all that is available there and not here.

Wanderlust is so so so amazing.

2010-08-25T23:44:00.002+08:00

SO SILLY! SO SO SO SILLY. Never am i going to do this again.
NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Anyway, people should learn to respect other people and beware of karma. The way some people act seriously deserve some scolding and well, argh they should learn to be more courteous. Hate people who have low PR skills.

School is a dread sometimes, with the never-ending readings and whatnot. And people to mend and all. I am broken as it is already, and sometimes some people just add salt to my wounds.

But as it is, nothing is going to stop me from moving ahead.

2010-08-25T01:51:00.002+08:00

And so it happened again. Once last year and once this year, all around the same period. Am i cursed to like the wrong kind of guys? Those who are flirty and super ultra friendly? Or am i just misinterpreting everything? Jumping too fast to conclusions?

It unnerves me to have to think of all the possible answers. And to think of what you are thinking. I loathe that!

So why can't you just be more direct? JUST ASK??? It's like the same situation repeated all over again, and everything comes to naught. Like something budding but nipped in the bud because both of us were just unsure and didn't want to take the first step.

Relationships are awful this way. What with all the could-have-beens and maybes.

I hate you for being like this. You are just stupid and retarded and slow and idiotic.

I need some chocolates. Endorphins.

2010-08-17T13:16:00.002+08:00

Strangely, there is this bittersweet after taste of every endeavour. Something like a plan gone wrong or a bunch of metal wires twisted awry. We seek and we search with all our might, but sometimes it just doesn't end up pretty.

Why does it always end up warped? Jagged edges that threaten to cut so ugly if you come closer.

AND I HATE NOT TAKING TUTORIALS WITH FRIENDS!

rag 2010

2010-08-06T23:52:00.002+08:00

555th post!

ARTS RAG GOT BEST FLOAT DESIGN AT RAG 2010!

Super happy and jubilant over this win :) Even though i may not have helped out a lot, i still feel very emotional seeing the raggers tear and break down, and yet seeing all the support and team work i feel a lot of warmth welling up in my heart. This is what it is all about, being supportive and appreciative of each other.

What an awesome way to begin the new academic year!

2010-08-05T15:57:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i wish i was on exchange again. Being far away from all the problems and being able to study and do everything i want without anyone barking down on me. And to have mature and independent people who don't play small tricks and resort to petty outbursts. Or to have self-centered bitches who think they own the whole universe.

But sadly i am back and i cannot go away anymore. Having tasted the sweet taste of sep i now long to go back and savour the richness once again. Spicy islands cloud my vision.

And school starts in 5 days. Humph.

contentment

2010-08-01T23:58:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it feels like i cease to exist, from a place that once loved me so much. I am like a shapeless entity, floating in between people and trying to fit into the big piece. I don't like how i am feeling, the feeling of being so so so neglected and totally unable to catch up with everybody else. The feeling of being so helpless attacks me so ruthlessly that sometimes i wonder if i am dreaming or living.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with everybody? Why doesn't anyone bother and care anymore?

Or perhaps this is just karma. Karma for all the bad things i have done. The low point in my life that i have to go through so much mental trauma. The calm before the storm was really enjoyable, but now i am trying to brave through the storm. I wonder how long can i last.

Coming back was supposed to be a joyous thing, being back to a place where i knew everyone and everything. But all these tears and pain seem to take away the joy that i was originally supposed to relish.

Perhaps, i could take some solace in the fact that there are people who are in far worse situations than i do. Maybe i am too emotional, too young, too reckless, too immature. I don't think enough and i don't think far. But it is time for change.

Tired from crying so much. I have such a terrible headache since this afternoon, and i guess i should stop crying already. I should get myself out of this shit hole and stop wallowing in self pity. Enough of being envious of other people's lives. I have a pretty great one! My family loves me as their favourite child, the pearl of the family. They have given me so much, unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I have nothing much to ask for. Contentment.

Maybe it is time to look for new commitments, new emotional storage places. Maybe arts club was a nice place to be in, but a semester's hiatus totally wrecked me, and now i am broken. I don't know how i can piece myself back, but i am utterly shattered at the moment.

Time to move on and get a gogo!

2010-07-31T01:36:00.001+08:00

Pretty emotionally draining day today, having slept at only 5am in the morning and jolted awake by the inherent fear of bidding and selection of modules. I guess i am a delayed freshie, someone who has been taking sociology modules from the start and has never really bidded for any other things before. Belated anxiety.

O Week is later! Really hope it will be a blast.

So much stuff to plan for!!!!

change is now!

2010-07-28T17:39:00.002+08:00

Time to reflect and make changes!

Was really tired today and actually missed work. Seems to me that i am kind of irresponsible haha. But menial labour! Nice catching up with everyone yesterday night over steamboat. It feels really great to be able to sit around with everyone, eating, drinking and chatting about everything. Laughter filled the whole club house and i must say we left the venue a little sadly, since the night was over just so quick.

Loved the champagne. I love champagne, although they are so bubbly and filled with so much gas. Champagne buffet some day! Along with strawberries, chocolates and seafood. AHH.

School is starting in like 2 weeks, and i must say i am so super not looking forward to it. Was a little depressed last few days over my academic path, and i am sad to say that the sociology department has not been the most caring. But it's okay, since NUS is a place where students take almost full responsibility for the things that happen to themselves. Indemnity!

And o week is coming this saturday. A little looking forward to it, and the first few times i actually don't have to help out nor be in action before that. Just have to turn up. I don't know. It feels kind of stranger and a little cold, the lack of warmth from the people and sometimes a strong sense of repulsion from some. I truly feel that people should be more open and forgiving, and try to make up for their shortcomings or wrongdoings. Like i am trying to now too.

It is never too late to repent and change things. I want to do so too, that is why i am trying now. In any case, having tried out something and failed is better than failing without knowing why.

Gosh, i kind of miss McGill all of a sudden. The life, the scenery, the evening sky, the walk home and the smell of freedom and independence. AND new york city being only 8 hours bus ride away. Gawd i am so going to miss all this! Wish i was going on exchange THIS semester instead :D

Anyway! Gotta pull up my socks and stop being so full of negativity. There is always something to look forward to, be it a sweet treat or a glass of champagne.

More glorious days ahead, i am sure.

2010-07-25T03:20:00.001+08:00

sick with worry
paralysed with fear
chills down the spine
throbbing headache
churning stomach

sigh sigh sigh. what is my future like?

2010-07-24T01:22:00.002+08:00

some cries always go unheard, some abuses go unseen.
the wounds are not always visible, because sometimes they cut deep inside.
while standing on the ledge, how many people actually think they could step back down because they had something to look forward to? something that incites hope and desire in them, to reignite that want.

modules.

persona

2010-07-21T22:34:00.002+08:00

The days have been long with the nights unbearably short. It's like the stars cease to twinkle in the night sky even though they are just burning rocks. Even burning rocks can be called stars. Wonder if that is a praise or euphemism?

Sometimes people tend to want more than they can actually stomach. Even if they are at the brink of death or point of no return some desist and continue.

She slaps on more make up and smiles to the crowd, ever being so endearing and popular, but shuts every window and every door.

He leans forward and blows your mind with words and imagination, but somehow being rooted to the ground and being clear headed stops the channels of communication. Maybe you need some special glasses.

He changes his hairstyle and glasses, and makes fun of you. Switches between being caring to being downright despicable, shooting arrows of sarcasm and acid laced stares towards you.

She alternates personalities, being a wonder woman of all sorts, amazes you with the tricks up her bubble sleeves.

Oh boy we could go on and on with each persona.

coins

2010-07-18T00:42:00.002+08:00

Watched Dear John on the plane back to singapore. So much things to be said, yet we let the sands of time slip by.

We are all coins. I was minted in 1989, you some years before me. We were mere sheets of metal, but through time we have been carved and straightened, cut around the edges, forming ridges and shape.

And i look lovingly upon the cake placed in a big plate, wondering how to eat it without any unduly worries. And to not feel so stressed out about the decorum and arrangement of the cutlery.

We are all coins.

back in sapporo

2010-07-13T20:50:00.002+08:00

back in sapporo and happy with my purchases today! mum got lost in the shopping mall and created a big hooha and i went to look for her. basket. not being appreciated but she reprimanded me in front of so many people. fuck. made me felt like such an idiot. but i am better already! i should not let small things like these bother me too much. afterall i am on vacationnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

loads of things i want to do when i get back, have even drafted up a list of things to be done! internet here is damn slowwwwwwww and i am paying 100yen per 10 minutes to use this station, with waiting time for pages to load averaging about 4 minutes? :(

anyway!! weather here is getting really awesome, and i love how summery sapporo is, with the sun shining gloriously and yet it is oh so comfortable. love the way the japanese live. wish i could come here for exchange because seriously, the stuff here are NICEEE! shopping is going to be my main preoccupation if i come here.

and the girls here are seriously dressed to the nines. their makeup and hair is like totally mind blowing, although some can be a little over the top. seriously, i dont know how they do it everyday. haha but this inspires me to learn from them!

the keyboard here is seriously #$%"%WERW#$%"#$"$"@3@. cannot find some keys i need!

anyway, gotta let things be for a while. stuff. i like to leave things where they are and sometimes i dont like to sort them out, unless i absolutely have to.

gonna take a nice shower, maybe soak in the bath tub a bit, and just relax. fruits picking tmr! :)

in hokkaido

2010-07-11T07:41:00.003+08:00

using the internet at the hotel lobby above chitose airport in hokkaido right now! albeit a little uncomfortable, since i am standing at a table that is pretty non-ergonomic.

heading to the ishiya cookie factory later today, or bai se lian ren, the famous cookie produced right here in hokkaido and has mesmerised the taste buds of every one who has tasted this divine cookie. hoping for photo opportunities but well, all aunties and uncles and elders here who i am unable to communicate with. generation gap, you may call it.

as it turns out, i am the YOUNGEST here in the whole group, and the eldest is about 85? haha. loads of patience and perseverance needed in order to accomodate the pace of every one.

second day today, and 5 more days to go! hopefully i will be able to enjoy this trip totally and be able to do things the way i like it, because well i dont suppose i will become besties with a 65 year old auntie? hahahahhahaha.

damn the keyboards here have different orientations of the punctuations from ours. struggling between typing and back-spacing :p

hopefully i have internet access at the other hotels, because this hotel has the fastest internet speed and everything already!

jiayou :)

jetset

2010-07-10T02:49:00.003+08:00

Its been a good trip, heading to Bali and the best best best thing of it all was SURFING! I managed to stand on the board for like 2 seconds before i fell into the water and landed on my bottom. HAHA. Would totally go back there to surf! Maybe next year i might head back there :)

Heading to Japan later and i cannot even fall asleep. Cannot nap. Not excited over the trip but i just don't feel tired. Not sleepy. I seem to be having insomnia occasionally, falling asleep only at the break of dawn. Maybe i am still jetlagged??? HAHAHA.

Looking back, it seems really fast that i am already heading into my third year in NUS and i feel like i haven't achieved much, if i compare to some others who are really doing well and learning a lot in their undergraduate life. And there are so many modules to look at and decide on which ones to take and to also strive hard to do well for them. Headache!

New semester looming around the corner and its pretty scary.

Gosh, sometimes i still miss McGill and Canada, the life that i lead there, so carefree and fun. And being able to visit places and all. Really amazing.

Whole new woman i shall be :)

end of ac

2010-06-25T18:57:00.002+08:00

Whoa and there goes arts camp. Just ended like that.
Tired, but i guess i helped in as many ways as possible, physically and monetary. But it could have been better.
Some nasty encounters, some pleasant meetings, but nonetheless its yet another camp. Glad that the freshies loved it, even though it may have not been the best one we have had.

Experience.

Now it's back to normal life.

Moderation, not excess

2010-06-15T02:02:00.004+08:00

Anything in excess is not good, even though you might like the taste or touch or feel of something.

If you like gold, its not a wise idea to paint the whole room gold, because it makes everything so golden and uh, oppressive. If you like laksa, it is very detrimental to your health if you gulp down 20 bowls at one go, and maybe clog up some arteries. If you like silk, you could buy a lot of silk, but you cannot possibly make every piece of clothing using just silk. This means you have to dry clean every piece of silk clothing, and that's gonna cost you a bomb!

So, we should take everything in MODERATION.

Just like there is a limit to everyone's patience. We all have a limit that we know we should not try to venture beyond. We could try, thinking that well, we all need to challenge ourselves a little bit right? But the flip side is we could die while trying it, or get seriously hurt. So why take such a big risk when you already know the consequences?

Be an adult, be rational, otherwise it is just tough for everyone. We all have a role to play in life, so take on whatever role you have to play at this point in time, and stick with it. Wait till better roles come along.

And of course, don't tell lies too often. Mean what you say, and DO WHAT YOU SAY. Ever heard of the story of the boy who cried wolf? If you haven't, telling lies was what the boy did and in the end, when he really needed help, no one bothered because he was DISHONEST. VOILA! His herd of sheep got gobbled up by wolves.

Anyway, treat people the way you want them to treat you, but do it in moderation and rationality. Be sensitive and always make sure feelings are balanced. Relationships may be super volatile, but hey, it's just how you manage it. Change a perspective and well, things would be easy peasy.

Got that?

let sleeping dogs lie

2010-06-12T02:18:00.004+08:00

Too many things left unsaid, secrets left behind in the aged chest.
But sometimes it's better to leave things to be, instead of digging them out and then expect some sort of closure. Like a cold case that wants to be solved but no capable people to do it.

I sometimes wonder what am i exactly looking out for. What is my life perspective and what do i want to achieve. Someone asked me what are my personal and career goals for the next three years, and i stared blankly for quite some time. I don't know, to be honest.

Being an adult now hasn't pushed me enough. I guess i am comfortable as usual. Hard to come to decisions and just want to let sleeping dogs lie. Headache. Keeping things that are recycled, where the person who gave it to me probably doesn't even remember that she had given me. Nicely taped to my wall. It's pretty, so i will keep it.

And don't make promises that you cannot keep. It's really sickening as i reflect upon the words and handwriting of yours, wondering what exactly goes on behind this beautiful facade. Lies? More lies? Or simply confusion and flux? I don't want to hazard any guesses. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Body hasn't exactly been that cooperative. Perhaps excessive thought is detrimental to the health. And yet i cannot stop myself.

Tired of so many things, i want change. But change is so hard to materialize, so hard to reinforce and execute.

Watching idol dramas make me feel a sense of longing. Wonder if someone will be there to care for me when i am sick, when i am sad, when i am lonely or when i just need someone to talk to me. Mr camera's theories are what i want to hear most. I listen to the dead of the night and all i can hear are mechanical sounds.

Bah, let sleeping dogs lie. Look beyond the immediate, and i might actually chance upon something precious.

2010-06-07T01:59:00.002+08:00

I AM SO BORED AT HOME! I WANNA DO SOMETHING! I NEED SOMETHING TO OCCUPY MY TIME!

LIKE A JOB OR EVENT!

find me something to dooooooooooooooooo

bushufu

2010-06-05T03:32:00.007+08:00

身体报恙，体格欠佳。
不由自主地抽慉，疲劳，不适。
人，有旦夕之祸福。
是你的，就是你的，强求不来。
抢到手的，未必是永恒，不朽的。
欲望越多，不满，贪念也随之澎湃。
但姑且不谈一山还有一山高，有理想和高瞻远瞩的精神，才能使人勇敢前进。
没有了这些，只会让人停滞不前，拘泥于习惯和呵护。
可是有了野心，却会让人迷失方向，看不清楚自己的面孔。

水里反射的那个人，是谁?

issues

2010-06-04T02:13:00.003+08:00

Actually it's not so bad to type in chinese once in a while. Kind of a new experience too. Weather now is terribly hot, and i really cannot stand it, but with two out of three air conditioners already going at full blast, i guess i shall do my part for the conservation of our environment and stick to the fan instead.

Interesting day today, managed to try out a restaurant that i have never been to. Definitely gonna head back there the next time with my homies. Had really good macroons and lovely flowers. Thanks! Then took a bus back and happily fell asleep. Guess i am really settling back in, reverting to my old lifestyle and being really comfortable being home and all. Takes a while to get used to everything once again.

And also, sometimes having to readjust my expectations of other people. It is true that some of us have certain issues with ourselves. They are usually minor, but some can escalate into huge problems. And i don't talk in rhetoric unlike some people, so it's easier to figure out what i am thinking. Or if you are bad in chinese then i am sorry lor.

But in any case, so much expectations are being shot down it makes me a bit demoralised. Haha or defeated, wondering if i should persevere on when it's all so one-sided. I do want to make effort you know, but it takes two to clap and i am tired of being the one being so assertive and chirpy when all my words just hit against these walls and fall back down to the floor.

Tired? You bet.

Anyohow, i gotta keep moving on. Nobody has time to stop and think too much out of issues like these. Gotta get some sleep!NIGHTS :)

朋友

2010-05-30T18:27:00.004+08:00

今天让我感到有点烦。

平时恼人的天气，今天却凉快得很。蓝蓝的天空，只有些许的云朵。凌晨下的一场雨，它的踪迹，我早上才看见。

好纳闷，好烦。不知道自己究竟得罪了谁，今天有些不顺心。

聊天本来应该是愉快的，但一点点的小事，却可以让我感到极为的反感，痛心，后悔。
可能这就是小说和连续剧常有的情节，当一个人离开了她的朋友和社交圈子去别的地方或什么的，回来的时候一切都不一样了。

家人永远都在。房间也一样。可是真挚的友情，就真的这么不堪一击？

有时候我看着你，然后回想以前的你，真的觉得我喜欢以前的你。我喜欢我们可以聊到天昏地暗，聊到不想回家。现在，我觉得有点勉强。你并不快乐，总觉得你心不在焉，老是在想别的事情和人。

你可能会说我敏感，想太多。我也告诉自己不要想那么多，顺着感觉走，一切自然。可是人都是会改变的，没有人会和你合拍一辈子。

想到这点我觉得好难过，很想哭。

也对啦，不能鱼与熊掌。商场得意，情场失意，难免的事。放手后，可能天空会跟辽阔，心情也会开朗一些。有些人只是生命中的过路客，只有短暂的停留，然后就拂袖而去了。

真希望有些朋友能是一辈子的。你可以吗？

this too shall pass

2010-05-27T12:48:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time, a king wanted something that would remind him of life. Something durable that he could carry with him and yet ornate. Something that would remind him that times of happiness and joy may not last, while sadness and anger will dissipate sooner or later. With that, he thought he would approach the famous jeweler so that he might make him something that he wants.

And so the king and his entourage decided to make a trip to the town to find this jeweler. The jeweler was hard at work at his pieces, making fine jewelery for his customers and finishing up his orders for the day. It had been yet another day where people from all over the country had came to his little shop with sketches and desires, wanting him to create the best jewelery one can ever dream of.

The jeweler was sipping a cup of tea when the king entered the shop, and he looked up. The king walked up to the jeweler and said, "Make me a piece of jewelery that would remind me of sadness when i am happy and happiness when i am sad, something that would remind me not to take everything for granted and to know that all good and bad things would come to an end. Make me a good piece of jewelery! You have three days. If you cannot make me what i want, your head shall roll."

With that, the king walked out of the shop, leaving the jeweler alone in silence, with the steam still coming from his half drank tea.

"What am i supposed to do? What kind of jewelery would fit what the king wants?"

Soon, it was the third day. The day where the jeweler was supposed to present the piece of jewelery that the king wants. Suddenly, the jeweler had an idea. A brilliant idea.

The king walked into the shop, "Where is my piece of jewelery?", he asked.

"Here, Your Majesty."

It was a simple ring. Nothing fancy, just a ring.
"WHAT IS THIS!"
"Your Majesty, please, please take a good look at it."

It was no simple ring. The ring had an inscription on the inside that said:

This too shall pass.

so much colours

2010-05-26T01:09:00.003+08:00

I think Mr Camera was right about a lot of things. We are all SNAGs. Still walking around in circles, except that he has found his sparkle in the form of fishsoup :) Somewhere along the lines, i wonder if my sparklets will appear soon.

And yea, sometimes i can be a bitch. Sometimes i look back and realised that i have changed a lot, physically and mentally. No longer that poor thing with her spectacles but raring to go now. But hey, just so you know, no one in this world slows down and hands you their lecture notes with information all over it. Nobody stops and smell the roses. And disposable cameras. No, just always protect yourself and make sure you get the life vest and get on the life boat. Or get the most spacious seat on the whole plane. Which would be either first/business class or ironically at the emergency exit.

So don't you wish you could have an "eject for the day" button for your life?

Being overseas was sure an eye opener, especially so for the return part. So much colours exploding everywhere, that i want to shout for it to stop. Cease and desist! Go away! Come here!

Crazy antics, superficial sweets.

Anyway, it's time to get my life back in order.

lines

2010-05-25T04:16:00.003+08:00

We all traverse along these lines, sometimes the circles. They go on and on, never seeming to end. With a touch of the sparkles, a road opens up almost immediately, and we do a little twirl and swirl and hop on the route.

These lines never seem to want to come to a stop. It keeps moving in all directions and there are infinite possibilities. It seems to head up to the hill top but every way ends up at the hill top anyway. Smothered fruits? Maybe.

But in between episodes of joy and grieve and anger, we learn to deal with ourselves. Handling all our sides and perspectives we learn and grow, while some fall off the branches and are at one with the earth. The sun rises and it sets, never failing its task that it has been doing since the start of god knows when.

And now it's the early morning, as i head to bed and bid you good night.

phone

2010-05-23T22:05:00.002+08:00

It's the same old phone that i have been using for some time now. I love it because the camera function is really good and i love to take pictures with it. And i can edit the photos with different settings and all that! Touch screen and all its good. Love it a lot because it's so convenient and handy.

Then suddenly i receive this $100 voucher that gives me 5 mobile phones to choose from. Only 5 smart phones and i have to make a decision by 31st May. But i don't know if i should go ahead and get the BlackBerry. The camera function is not that good. And i love to take pictures without the trouble of carrying yet another camera along with my phone. So what is a girl supposed to do.

To change or not to change.

But it means giving up on the current comfort and delving into exploring new grounds. To have to forgo some things, learn to compromise and understand that you might not get anything in return. Or to the extent that the past glories and achievements might really be a thing of the past. Scary thought huh.

Either you stick to your old guns that fire weak shots, or abandon all together and seek for new weapons. Join an artillery or gather some ammunition to fend for yourself. Technology is king. Or queen.

sawdust

2010-05-22T01:36:00.002+08:00

It's the sense of reality seeping in, or gushing in from all corners and directions that you cannot help but feel that the empire and helm that you once held is now slowly leaking and slipping away, and there is no way you can reverse this nor stop it. And i feel a sense of misfortune yet a desire to set things right. But i know that one cannot cry over spilled milk. And therefore i question my motives and rationale, and i wonder about what other people actually are thinking. It perturbs me greatly. It's like a sawdust in my finger. I can see the prick there and it actually hurts when i press against it, but i can also choose to leave it there and let my skin get inflamed. But i don't want to leave it inside my skin. If i take it out, it hurts too much and i don't know if i can survive the pain.

Some words cannot be spoken to the right people. Like **. Nothing much is left of us. We look through our memory bank, but only i am left to reminisce. It's nice to think of us once in a while. The friendship and all. But it's okay i think. People change, people move on. No point harping on something that is no longer there.

Haha. Different perspective, different attitudes. Outlooks.

homebound

2010-05-14T13:06:00.005+08:00

Well i am at Montreal airport now while waiting to board the flight for tomorrow. Or rather later today at 9am. It has been a long journey, with me applying for SEP and getting into McGill after being rejected by Berkeley (sigh!) and then going ahead to fight to be able to go on exchange. Although i didn't manage to save much, it's all thanks to my family that my expenses and all could be thoroughly supported and this whole experience made possible.

Exchange was so surreal and sometimes it felt almost unreal. Haha. I wish i could return to where i left off, and yet sometimes i wish i could be able to be a fusion of the old and new. Not really brand new, but different in some ways. Better cook and homemaker :P

Guess all of these are precious memories to hold on to, and at times i might look back on them and laugh them off. Some incidents are really silly, not worth mentioning, and sometimes we all look back at a certain incident and laugh or bitch about it. But anyway, what matters is that i have enjoyed my SEP, although the exam period was hell and being alone taking such heavy modules wasn't really fun.

Perhaps it would have been better if i had used the money that i spent on exchange to go on a holiday and tour around the States. That might be a more carefree and fun way! Definitely more worth it to enjoy a vacation with those money. Conflicting views sometimes. Ultimately, going on exchange really depends on personal choice. Some might say it's a waste of money, some might say it buys us valuable experiences. Any o how, it's everyone's prerogative.

Today was a mad rush for me, as i flew from San Francisco to Montreal, with a transit at Chicago. We were delayed at SF, because Air Canada changed its flight to United Airlines' and we had to join a very long queue and all to check in. After that we had to join another q (which we accidentally cut the queue because we didn't know where it started from) to go through the security checks and all. After that we walked really fast to our gate and only found out that our flight was delayed by about 1.5 hours. This meant that we missed our Chicago connecting flight to Montreal!

After we reached Chicago, we bolted out to find out if we were slotted onto the next flight heading to Montreal. So we first headed to the United Airlines' check in machines but they couldn't read our tickets. So we ran to some UA gate and asked the guy what to do. Then we RAN to Terminal 2. FIRST TIME IN SEP I RAN SO FAST OKAY, SOMEMORE DRAGGING ONE LUGGAGE! Anyway that's not the point. So we ran to the Air Canada counter since they had the next available flight towards Montreal and HURRAY WE GOT SEATS!

Didn't really sleep for the whole flight, and used the 3 hours watching Shutter Island, which sadly was interrupted by too many announcements by the pilot and i didn't manage to finish the movie. So after we got off we met SY at the airport. The poor guy had been stuck at the airport for the past 20 over hours because his flight back to Singapore got cancelled at the eleventh hour. YIKES.

So we left our barang barang with him and hopped on the 747 express bus from the airport to downtown. J's place was pretty far from the bus stop, so we had to navigate and walk a little. Kind of strange to be back in Montreal, the place where i had lived for the past 5 months! Walking through Ste Catherine and St Urbain felt so so so deja vu. And looking at McGill University is so strange. Paying my bills felt almost like a clear cut from the school already. Felt so sad despite the hell that McGill has given me in the past 5 months.

Then we finally reached J's place and washed up, packed a little and then took a cab towards the airport. Stopped over at Tim Horton's to get our last cup of grande iced cappucino then sped towards the airport. Bringing all our luggages and then met SY. We even packed our stuff in public!

Well, now its just waiting and all before our flight. Sitting in Montreal airport, alone on the marble bench, with people walking here and there, cars passing by, trolleys being pushed, cleaners cleaning the floor, machines buzzing... I feel a sense of loss. Like THIS IS IT! Damn.

AIYOH. Heart ache :| Going back home already... just hope for the best for everything when i return. The people, the money, the stuff and of course, my birthday party. Just want to have a really sweet and memorable 21st birthday party!

Not going to sleep since i am trying to adjust my body clock back to the Singapore timing. All the way till i board the plane!

FEW MORE HOURS TILL I LEAVE FOR SINGAPORE!!!

vegas

2010-05-12T00:50:00.002+08:00

Here in Las Vegas, where everything is bright and glitzy, almost of a state of opulence and sometimes just bordering on being too tacky. Last day in Vegas, and going to catch a plane to San Francisco later. After that i will be heading back to Montreal and then it's Singapore!

Somehow looking at facebook photos, skype conversations, msn conversations and emails, i find that the gap between people sometimes does become bigger with time. You can't help but think that distance exacerbates problems. Conversations become highly superficial, with a few exchanges of words before all fall silent. Then you say your byes and ttys and that's pretty much it. Or you ask for favours and all that and become really distant when favours cannot be done for you. It's quite strange that such things happen to me. Somehow, it affects my mood when i am thinking of how it would be like when i head back to Singapore. It's going to be another intensive round of immersion and trying to fit in again.

But really, true friends would make you feel back right at home immediately.

So i guess i am banking on my true friends, people who i can rely on for support, people who i know that i can call them up even at 4am in the morning and go for spontaneous outings wherever and whenever. That means i have a few days to discover who they are and where they really sit in my heart.

So emotional huh? HAHA cannot help it. Having gone on exchange it makes me feel more sensitive and sometimes i have a different perspective than i used to have on life. I wonder if that is good. But in any case, i really wish to be rid of all these nonsense and be able to enjoy the remaining of my vacation. Not that everything is supposed to be this gloomy, but HECK I WILL LOVE MYSELF MORE.

Perhaps it's time to re-organise my priorities.

envy

2010-04-28T12:21:00.005+08:00

I am super envious of fishsoup and mr camera. They have such a love that is so strong and so pure, and nothing can stand in their way. Not even distance, lack of time, difference in time. I am proud that they are my friends :) Super happy and glad for them!

Envy.

How nice it is to like someone and have them like you back, to want to do things together, to have the same perspective or at least complementing values and outlooks, and to be able to be right for each other? To always be the other half, being just right there and everything seems so fabulous and just perfect. Even if you quarrel and get irritated with each other, at the end of the day you guys always talk it out and make up. A kiss, a cuddle, a touch.

Even if there would be problems, you know this man would stand on your side and help make things so much better. When you are down and feeling like crap, this man would lift you up and inject life in you. Feelings of happiness gets doubled or even tripled when you share it with him. And you know it would be the other way around from you to him too.

You, me, us.

500 days of summer. Haha now that is one movie i kind of liked.

And then you wonder if he is just a boy. Or you are too much of a girl to begin with.

liar liar

2010-04-27T07:32:00.003+08:00

I do realise people like to lie. We tell lies for some reasons, a lot of reasons, for no reason. We lie because we want to tell a white lie, we want to protect someone, we want to prevent someone from being hurt, so we lie. Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves, to retain some dignity or to conceal some information that we don't feel comfortable telling people about it. We lie to fit in, we lie to stay out.

So when can we stop lying? The Invention of Lying is really miraculous.

Maybe one day some strange epidemic happens and we all wake up, realising that we cannot lie anymore. Everytime we tell a lie we get a very big physical reaction, like a huge sneeze or our stomachs balloon. So everyone knows you are lying.

But that won't be too good. Because you cannot protect yourself anymore.

Ahh. So we should all be allowed to lie.

The boy who cried wolf.
Liar liar, i hate you.
I don't believe you anymore.

mad from studying

2010-04-26T09:18:00.003+08:00

IT'S SUCH A FREAKING TIRING AND EXHAUSTING DAY!
SO MUCH TO READ, AND I HAVE BEEN STARING AT MY NOTES AND THE COMPUTER SCREEN FOR THE ENTIRE DAY!
WRITING LIKE MAD!
SUPER TIRED!
MY EYES ARE GETTING SMALLER AND SMALLER!
OH MY GODDDDDDD.
I WANT A CUPCAKE.
I WANT SOME LAKSA.
I WANT SOME HUGS.
I WANT A BIG BEAR.
I WANT A POLAROID CAMERA.
I WANT A DRINK.

50MCQS AND 5 SHORT ANSWERS TMR!
WOOTS.

Let's Go Shopping!

2010-04-26T01:04:00.003+08:00

You walk into a store, wanting to get a pair of shoes, maybe a bag and say a set of accessories. You go through the racks, the shelves, the boxes and sometimes the sale section, wanting to find the things that you want.
So there you have it, the store is nicely stocked in colours and they have the sizes you want.
Browsing and looking, you found this pair of heels that are in your favourite colour and design.
Of course, you asked the saleslady for your size and voila, she has it!
Happily, you decided to buy it and asks her to leave it at the counter. So there you have your shoes.

Bags, hmm now which one should you get?
Everything looks so splendid you wish you can have them all, but you cannot really afford all of them even though you want to. But you really wish you could!
So you see this purple Balenciaga that you love, and lovingly running your hands all over it and smelling the leather. You think this is the best already, and you cannot be more than contented with it that you so seriously want to buy it NOW.
Then you decide to really buy it. So you carry the bag with you as you walk around the store, thinking that you would look for the accessories.

NO. SHIT. NOT GOOD.
You see a Miu Miu satchel perched at the top of a shelf.
It shimmers in the lights of the store, with a haunting quality that enthralls you, pulling you closer to it as you walk towards that glorious leather satchel.
You look up at it, wondering why the hell did this satchel pop up from no where and caught your eye when you have already decided on the Balenciaga!
So you wonder which one should you get because well, the heart is strong but the pocket is weak.
And then you try to compare if you should get the Miu Miu or the Balenciaga. But both seem so fab!
The Miu Miu is in cream, while the Bal is in purple. Purple is a nicer colour right, won't get dirty that fast so you don't have to be extra careful when you use the bag or what ever. But cream is easier to match clothes! And its pretty too. So how?

Then the saleslady stares at you as you conduct your cost benefit analysis, trying to make a decision about it.
The other shoppers gaze longingly at both bags that you have, and cannot wait for you to drop one of it so well, they can buy it.
HOLD ON BITCHES I AM THINKING! CANNOT WAIT IS IT?! CHILL LAR!!

But you still have to get your accessories! So much things to do so little time.
Best solution for now is to carry both the Bal and the Miu Miu and walk around the store a little bit longer, hoping that your mind will give you an answer.

So you head to the accessories section, and you are dazzled by everything.
Pearls, diamonds, scarves, shades, earrings, rubies, lace...
So you decide to get a pair of cute earrings, some bangles, some necklaces, rings, badges and perhaps a bottle of red nail varnish.
Everything is quite nice and the price is cheaper than you thought, so yeah can buy some more!
You take this pretty little basket and start to throw all your selections inside, happy that you finally are getting some accessories. Nice and lovely stuff to wear!

After settling the accessories and the shoes, you are once again jolted back to the choice between the bags. So the cream or the purple?

Which one?

iansiiwbyg

2010-04-23T10:54:00.002+08:00

IDWMADRNBIANSIIRLAUK.
IMISDKIILHTM.
CWPBIAOR?
IWMMGBID.
AMFSNBML.
SIMNS.
ORFTW!
HH.
FHPDUWTFIATH.
ITWILBIWUDWIHTHT.
LOL.
understand?
bet you don't know what the heck i am typing here. i forgot already!

pay some attention

2010-04-22T10:09:00.005+08:00

Why is it when someone is feeling down or depressed and in need of company, we always fail to notice and step in, until something really bad really happens?

I was just looking through People.com and i realised that this girl named Phoebe Prince hanged herself because she was bullied in school, being called names and even pushed into lockers, with some even leaving her facebook wall posts asking her to go and die. And there, she did. She was dead on 15 April.

So i wonder if it helps if we all follow our intuition sometimes, and even a text message or a fb wall post or email and msn or skype conversations all come in to become a support network, a preventive measure and definitely a helping hand to someone who is really feeling down.

Sometimes we are all too concerned for ourselves, too preoccupied with our own pursuits that we become blind sided, failing to notice the small things that could make big changes. It doesn't take a lot to text someone, saying things like hey how are you?. Even though it may be extremely cliched and well, tacky and sometimes people might take it to be superficial, but the sheer thought that someone remembers you and even bothers to message you goes a long way, meaning someone cares. It's definitely better than being satisfied with the thought that ahh he/she will understand since we have known each other for so long there really is no need to pay so much attention to him/her.

Fair enough if you think that your friend/lover/family is a strong person. But please, take some time off today and pay some attention. We all live with a role to play, be it the mother, the employee, the smart student who has it all, the nerd, the valedictorian, the athlete, the boyfriend, the girlfriend, the best friend, the father, the wife, the husband, the student, the friend. There are so many roles to adhere to, and sometimes we perform these roles without the individuality that rightfully belongs to all of us.

But really, humans all need love and attention. No matter how long you have known them for.

And may i reiterate that when someone is feeling a slight tinge of unhappiness, be it losing a pen, or accidentally bleaching clothes, there is often a downward spiral, that these emotions become magnified as these people think about the unhappiness and negativity that surround them that they essentially become cooped up in a bubble of sadness. Then this bubble becomes a strong life state of unhappiness that derails the person, be it for an hour, a day or a week. So, pay some attention before it's too late, my friends.

2010-04-21T11:23:00.001+08:00

and you never know when it happens
like the smell of the july summer rain
touch of an angel, lips so soft
we hug, we sing, we laugh,
with all the joy

siao!

2010-04-20T10:04:00.001+08:00

Exam is tomorrow but i am studying for it as if it is for next month. Haha what fun.

GOSH MY MIND IS BECOMING COMPLACENT AND TELLING ME NOT TO STUDY!

OH MY GOD EXAM IS AT 9AM TMR AND I AM STILL NOT DONE WITH MY REVISION!

...

going siao already. feel like slacking. 50%. omg.

raining

2010-04-19T03:24:00.004+08:00

umbrellas for sale!
knuckles as steel!
only cost a life!

Well i guess i sometimes trust people too easily, thinking that they would reciprocate me the way i hope or expect them to. It's silly how old-fashioned my thinking can be.

It's raining here again. Heavens crying for somebody.

Very cold afternoon, trying to get my laundry down but somehow someone is always using the washing machine. Pissed. I wanna wash my bag of clothes! Research paper due Monday, which is tomorrow, and exam on Tuesday morning. Ba ba boom!

And yes i worry if i may return and feel awkward, having been displaced and detached for quite some time. These are not unfounded worries.

Some people claim to be there for you no matter what, and that the feelings will never change. Let me just helpfully remind you that such things only happen in the movies or anything that is scripted and filmed. Goffman's role theory okay. So whenever people tell you such things remember, DON'T BELIEVE THEM TOO EASILY. That's why we love to watch Korean/ Taiwanese/ Japanese dramas, in particular idol dramas, so that we can fulfill our desires for such things to happen to us.

But i still love to indulge in these dramas, just watching and making myself laugh and swoon over how cute handsome hot sweet these guys are :)

All right, rainy day at my table with a good cup of milk tea. Let's go baby.

oh cool this is such fun thanks

2010-04-17T13:31:00.004+08:00

Yes it's true i learn about people every day. Things that they say and do are pretty interesting. And although emotions have been riled up, i am at peace with things for now.

You can never know if that smiling face conceals a danger you almost fail to detect through the naturalised superficiality. Hohohum. Poaching, prying are merely ways to add laurels to themselves. To make themselves seem ahead of the crowd, to be the firsts. Or in a way to boost their meager confidence with the toss of a look from the in crowd. Or smile awkwardly and gesture in a way that they think would make them special.

In any case, you should start loving yourself and respect others.

Every single thing that you toss to the wind, listen and not just hear. Even if you have to exercise caution, do so in a wise manner. Don't expose yourself too much to the elements and get a nasty burn or a horrid infection.

Wear insect repellent.
Put sun block.
Wear tough hiking boots.
Bring a knife.

If you need, bring your prayer beads, or whatever sacred items that you need spiritual boosts to. All's fine, the weather is fine, the clouds are even so pretty that you think they form shapes like unicorns and smiley faces.

But wait till you get enthralled by that pretty flower by the cliff. You reach, with a steadfast intent, and fall to your death, crushed and broken into pieces, almost an instant that you wish you hadn't fell, with the last remaining thoughts echoing the words why?

Don't assume too much, don't be too confident, don't pay attention to naysayers.

Believe, even though faith is weak in this new century. Learn to accept the elements, thinking that someday things would change. Bring some happiness along with you.

Or best, get some shut eye and shut the rest of the world outside. Protect yourself. It's a jungle out there.

Honestly, you are not worth the attention. I get the creeps. Or maybe the insect repellent wasn't too strong. Maybe it has expired. Gotta check the bottom of the bottle again. Maybe it was the wrong brand. Damn should have checked clearly before i bought it. But it was on sale. Oh never mind.

Fun house, it is.

and we go on with our lives

guard

2010-04-16T14:46:00.002+08:00

Never trust people too much, or think that you know them well to be friends. Takes only a split second for them to turn around and put a knife through your heart. Always trust your instincts and protect yourself. In any case, run.

Had my first exam today and i must say it wasn't too good. First time i felt so despondent for exams and i felt really down because of it. But crying and eating ice cream helped to dispel some of that unhappiness, and now i am back with a vengeance.

2010-04-16T06:15:00.000+08:00

Just had my worst exam ever. Gahh i hate it! No more repetition of what happened today!

it's just a ride

2010-04-16T00:19:00.003+08:00

It is true that the capitalists are all lying to us. Hard work does not necessarily grant you success or rewards!

But this is okay.

First exam in McGill in 1 hour! Not entirely prepared but i guess i will just go in and enjoy doing the paper :P Afterall, it's just a ride, it's just a ride. It's gonna be a funhouse.

So off i go while i attempt my first exam. Just going to do my best, don't worry about the rest, no worries about anything else.

GO FIGHT GO :)

2010-04-15T01:46:00.001+08:00

That's my grumpy face as i study for the course that i am having an exam on tmr. And i just woke up from a nap.

Awww study study is all i do. Oh my i wanna have fun too :) Tmr jiayou!

for the periwinkles

2010-04-14T08:10:00.004+08:00

for the periwinkles, the tulips and the vast skies

what do you live for?
what intrigues you?
what matters most?
what is the worst thing you have done?
what is one thing you wish you could have done today?
do you live, or do you exist?
do you yearn for something?
have you every fought for what you had wanted?

hello my friends :)

Well i am in McLennan/Redpath library studying now alone. Wow there are loads of McGill students here in the library, not that surprising since the exams start this Thursday! Wish i had planned my courses more wisely, because some of my friends are actually FREE now and they don't have finals. WAH LAO EH.

Seriously, "damn stressed" is used so repetitively that i don't know what to say when people ask me how i am doing already. I know some people would say that i am on exchange and i should just aim to pass, but hey, it's not easy to just aim to pass you know? When you are used to trying your best for your scores and working consistently, then suddenly you are expected to just pass and you slack and slow down, it gets really really frightening. Like you fall into a state of panic and you don't necessarily know what to do and there really isn't anyone who you can talk to about this. Other people might think that i am just being too mugger and too stressed out, but really, if you are in my position right now and seeing the amount of things i have to READ and REMEMBER and internalise, this is just plain shitty.

Of course, i could blame someone for my predicament, lamenting the fact that no one stopped me when i said i wanted to take FIVE LEVEL 3000 SOCIOLOGY MODULES all at one go. I mean, what the hell was i thinking? I was just too ambitious and too naive, thinking that it will be a breeze through them all since i was just expected to PASS. Now, in retrospect, SEP WAS MEANT TO SLACK SO WHY DID I TAKE SUCH INTENSIVE COURSES?

Haha all the "what ifs" are popping up in my head now.

Gosh i typed so much today that my fingers and fingertips actually hurt. I quite like the sound of typing on my laptop and at the school keyboards. Makes me feel like i am channeling my intellect into tiny alphabets that make up words and gradually build into sentences and paragraphs, culminating in pages.

And yes i cannot wait for the exams to be over yet i dread its arrival.

Oh well, just wanted to type an entry since i have been typing the whole day already. Intensive studying for this week for one paper on Thursday, then another on Tuesday. Gawd!

you!

2010-04-13T10:23:00.003+08:00

I cannot stand trying to understand you. You are so hard to be figured out. Sometimes i get so sick of trying to know what you are thinking. Are we even friends? Like i treat you as my really good friend but look at your idiotic response. How am i supposed to react? I feel so stupid, do you know that? It's like i am trying so hard but all i get are curt replies and you don't seem to care. Do you even bother about me? Why do i have to try to get your friendship? I am sure i am just another tool for you to step ahead and you only need me when i can contribute to your popularity or i can help you out or something. I don't know what to think of you anymore.

Sorry just had to vent a tiny paragraph. Haha. I don't have to be so disturbed.

Anyway i had a productive time studying in school today. Quite not bad. Feels good to study in school instead of at home. Love the lights there. Feels so much more studious instead of being cooped up at home lah.

Walked home after dinner with SY, had lovely salted fish and chicken strips fried rice at Chinatown. Loveeed it! And as i was walking i was breathing in deeply. The air here is so clear, so flavourless. Like there is just cold crisp air. Singapore air smells a lot nicer. Haha a mixture of pollutants, humidity and home. Awwwww i hate being homesick! But i guess it's only temporary. It's just the exams that are getting to me, and i still have 1 more research paper to do! DAMNNNNN :| First exam is this Thursday, and i have not fully begun. Think i will start tmr. Still gotta plan my research paper and start typing it soon. Start tmr too!

And i think i will enjoy SEP more when the exams are all over and the travelling starts. Whoo love to see the world. And just go everywhere and be everywhere as much as i can, enjoying the wanderlust that i am entitled to, for now.

Cheers Shuli! FIGHTING :)

so far on sep

2010-04-13T06:06:00.004+08:00

Just wanted to type out a post as i am studying at Bronfman building, the Desautel School of Management. Realised that the angmohs here can sound really superficial, with their high pitched HIIIIIIII! and HOW ARE YOUUU!! I mean seriously, i can totally tell that was patronising and not even genuine can. Like eww. And i hate it when they look at me up and down as if i was some alien and I AM NOT FROM FRIGGING CHINA OKAY! JUST BECAUSE I AM ASIAN DOES NOT MEAN I AM FROM CHINA! DON'T INSULT ME LIKE THAT!!!

Ugh.

Random drops of tears along with the mounting frustration i have for school. Seriously, what the hell was i thinking when i took five level 3000 modules here? How come no one slapped me and told me anything, that what i am doing is well, CRAZY? Some people helped, but not very helpful. Gawd this is madness. Haha.

I absolutely cannot wait for the semester to end like NOW. I don't want my exchange to be marred by the perils of studying last minute anyway. I mean, this is not what i come to exchange for! Exchange is a point of my life, interesting and independent. Why let academics come in between having fun and living my life? I mean, all the way to Montreal, i have to make the fullest out of this :) DAMN YOU DON'T YOU BRING ME DOWN.

Whooo cannot wait to wear my shorts that i bought the other day. USA!!

i want sugar

2010-04-09T14:52:00.005+08:00

i want cupcakes
like LOADS OF CUPCAKES
because eating cupcakes make me feel really filled with happiness
and there is SUGAR so i get a high
can i have pretty cupcakes to eat please?

Sometimes it's so hard to listen when all you hear is someone saying "I understand" and "you can do it" and "very easy one lah". I think i am being sensitive, but sometimes when someone is really very stressed or depressed, saying those cliched sentences and generic encouragements sound really not that motivating.

I know that these people mean well, and some of them take pity on me, or some are just saying it while gloating over my "misfortune", but the point that i am trying to make here is that when you really want to encourage someone, say it from your heart so that it becomes so powerful that the recipient feels it.

Guess it's just the imbalance of hormones due to my severe stress levels recently that has been compounded by the concomitants of PROCRASTINATION. Truly, it's an evil evil thing that we condone all the time and yet when there is a call to eradicate it we are filled with inertia.

Two more research papers, 10 pages and 12 pages each, and the revision for the exams. Not a pretty sight, but i gotta get my act together!

:)

a walk in the park

2010-04-08T13:03:00.008+08:00

spring is here

Just took a walk around my neighbourhood today after class. Cannot believe i managed to churn out a paper just like that. 10 pages worth of research paper. In 2 nights! Whoa and i fell asleep at the dining table and woke up with such severe leg cramps that i had to let the blood flow again before i flung myself onto my bed. Then woke up in a few hours to complete the paper. Never was i this rushed in churning out a research paper before. Damn!

Love quiet walks by myself, like those pictures show. Private time with myself, without having to smile nor talk, just spending time alone at some random bench in a park. Just watching the world go by and not have to give a hoot about people's opinions or thoughts. Just being at one with the surroundings.

SEP is not as simple as everyone speaks of. I mean, it also depends on which school you choose to go. Some universities are slacker than NUS, so it makes the whole experience fun and easy. Some others are simply a little bit more competitive and you really have to be on the ball in order to keep afloat. So don't think that just going on SEP is fun and there is no need to study. Be smart in choosing my friends.

1 more month and i will leave Canada. Gosh, mixed feelings. But nonetheless i feel super hopeful to return to Singapore and be with my friends and family again. I love to be in my comfort zone. This has to be the longest time that i am out of it already.

And after today it will be a mindless rush to finish essays and revision, since my first exam is next Thursday! I cannot believe it. HAHAHHAHA.

JIAYOU :O)