happenstance

Friday, June 08, 2007 / 4:45 PM

when there was laughter

I was studying Economics, going through the stack of notes and endless reading. It was a quiet afternoon, with the air hanging and the crickets making their unique sounds. The wind meandered through my hair, and caressing the back of my neck. I scribbled the definitions and read the paragraphs of Economic content. It was no doubt heavy and i struggled to persevere.

It was between drifting off to sleep and trying to remember the content that my father asked me to go downstairs to get him the papers from the provision shop. Thinking that i need a break, i agreed and put on my slippers. It felt good to be away from my books, at least for a while.

I never thought that taking the stairs would feel this good.

I got the papers and then started to walk slowly back to my block. Headlines roared of how Christopher Lee is going to get a heavier sentence, the latest updates of the NKF saga.. Banal information. I wondered why does the Singapore press always harp on the same few topics. It gets boring after a while. Maybe they are our equivalent of Paris Hilton and political satire of the overseas.

Anyway i was just reaching my block when i saw a few young children playing at the garden. There was a maid, two young girls and a young boy. The maid was absorbed in her cell phone, while the boy only had eyes for his remote controlled toy car. The two girls, one long haired and extremely chubby, the other wearing spectacles and in a cute shirt and shorts combo, were looking on and making their comments.

How they laughed!

The game was nothing exciting nor thrilling: just the three of them playing a game of catching with the toy car as the "catcher". The girl with the specs was laying down rules while the chubby girl was lost in her world. I just couldn't ignore their laughter and how carefree they were. Then i took a look at my own shadow and realised that it was bent and tired.

Maybe this is what it means to grow up, to start getting jaded. You forget how it was like to really be silly and have fun with your friends. You don't remember the times where you talked to someone not to get something in return but to simply talk. You do not recall the times when life was so pure and simple. Because you have matured.

I look around me and i see faces of fatigue and distress. I walk around my school and i do not see sincere hearts nor genuine smiles. Everyone is busy shuttling somewhere but they do not have the destination in mind. Maybe some do. Maybe some have already planned their routes and how are they going to live their lives. But isn't this forced and unnatural?

As we grow, we are expected to adhere to rules and fufill expectations others placed on us. We cannot slurp our soup because others think its unpleasant. We are not allowed to speak loudly for fear that others may think of us to be country pumpkins. We are restrained. Like having a dog leash around our necks and having a muffler around our heads.

Right now, my restrain is my studies. I cannot do whatever i want because i have to do well for the A levels, get good scores so i can enter NUS. I fear, and sometimes pity myself. I fear that i cannot perform well and get good scores, but i pity myself for being so concerned with how others think of me. I don't play the game because i want to play it but i am affected by what others think.

All i want to do now is to run away. Run as far as i can and as long as i can. I want to live at a farm, waking up to the smell of lavender and fresh grass with the sun on my face. I want to be able to run with all my might on the large pastures without having to fear knocking into another jogger. I want to breathe in fresh air instead of the artificial and polluted air i breathe in now.

But all the above are wants. And wants are unlimited, as we learn in life and well, Economics.

I guess its all the stress of studying and being in a good school. Afterall i have always been an average student trying to survive. People keep telling me i can do it and all but they don't understand the real circumstances. It is not easy to just survive you know. It is even harder to excel. All i want is to really be able to clear the A levels and do well for it, get my cert and enter NUS. Then clear uni exams, get my degree and do whatever i want. Get a job and work from 9 to 5, or fly to Australia and work at a farm. Anything.

For now, guess the only thing i can do is to study hard, pray earnestly and keep the laughter.