Thursday, March 31, 2011 / 3:47 PM

I don't like to have to smile and make merry with you all the time, pretending to be high and have to jostle for attention. Humans are social animals but i don't see why i should do that all the time. It makes me sick that you don't have to do it while there is this a priori expectation required of me, as if i have to suck up to you. There are times that i really feel very sian about all this kind of pandering, and people who expect me to behave in a certain way because they EXPECT me to. Like i have to laugh and make jokes all the time, be super cheerful, eat a lot. I won't even begin to apologise for my disdain in the nature of friendship we have sometimes. Perhaps it's because i have a very high set of expectations of what i hope to get out of your friendship, and that's just utterly saddening when you don't seem to reach those benchmarks. Gosh, it gets me riled up to see how sometimes you can be so unfeeling and purposely ignore my feelings. It's as if you see someone has cut herself and then you say, aiyoh, your blood dirtied the floor. Typing this on er ge's netbook. Still has his stuff on it. My life is on a downward spiral. And i don't have anyone to pull me out of it.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011 / 1:04 AM

It's been a while.

I cried again, thinking of how life is so transient and fragile. Anything can happen to us. One minute we are happily enjoying our food, laughing and making merry, and the next moment we can get hit by a car and die of a head injury. All that effort put into studying, mugging for our future, preparation for your work comes to naught.

Why, do we then study so hard?

I don't know what to make of this.

I miss you er ge, i miss you so much. I wish you were here with me.

Saturday, March 19, 2011 / 11:30 PM
Remember Love

My heart feels like it has been ripped into pieces after watching this one episode of Incredible Tales. It was about how two friends who went on a trip together met with a car accident, and one of them who is dating their mutual friend, died. He loved the lady deeply, and after he died at the crash site his soul came back to find the woman and his friend, to urge them to be together.

I felt very affected by the scenes, because it reminded me of Er Ge.

He crashed his car too, and died at the spot. We went to identify his body at the morgue. We brought him back.

It was a painful reminder to what i had gone through, and i wondered if Er Ge was watching us all the time, trying to reach out to us and talk to us and say how sorry he is and how he wished that this never happened. He must have been at the corner of the room, trying to talk to us and yet feeling relieved that his family is finally here for him, to bring him back to where is home. And i cannot imagine that pain and anguish that must have engulfed him, where he stood looking at his mangled car and dead body at the accident site.

His beloved car was also being looted and his blackberry stolen. Can you imagine his sense of helplessness? His anger? He had so much waiting for him, to be realised, and all this can never be fulfilled because of a moment. Stupid rain, bloody rain that had to come at this time! WHY !!!!

Every time i think of my er ge, i feel very sad.

I remembered there was this one time when i was in year 2, he asked me to drive he and his friends to the airport when i was still a fresh driver. I was a bit scared, but heck there was nothing to lose. We took PIE down, and his friends, 2 ladies, were at the back while he sat beside me. It started to rain real heavily, and visibility was very low. I got very scared and worried because we were on the highway and driving at at least 60km/h with low visibility. So er ge asked me to slow down, switch on my headlights and wiper, and pay attention to the road. It was really very very heavy, and i could only see the lights of the car directly in front of me. So i listened to what he asked me to do.

He even tried to scare me, saying that that certain part of the road was haunted and there may be white figures floating across the road. I was annoyed, and went wah lao, trying to scare me ah!! He laughed, and so did his friends at the back. And then we reached the airport safely and he went overseas with his friends. It was nice, and the drive back was comfortable, with the rain stopping already and the sun out, just nice for sunset.

I miss you er ge, i miss you so much that i cannot sleep at night, waiting for you to come back. Somehow i always wish you could come back, enter my dreams and tell me and talk to me, being there and letting me see you again. I miss you so much!!!! Why won't you come back?? Do you want me to cry till i am blind? Please come back, scold me, tell me off, just don't disappear and don't let me find you at all. Why won't you show yourself? Why cant i see you? Why do you have to go just like that? Do you know that i miss you so much? Do you know that i cry a lot? Do you know that i wish you were here to give me advice on everything? Do you know that i miss you showing me all those cool videos? Do you know that i miss seeing your room light on whenever i walk home? Do you know that i miss hearing you come out of your room and refill your bottle? Do you know that i miss coming home and seeing you in your room at your desk playing with your computer?

er ge, i miss you a lot. 我真的很想再看到你。虽然我害怕你会用什么样子回来, 可是我还是很想再见你,看到你的人,听到你的声音。有时我真的很难过,可是我不知道要怎么办。你每次都会让我觉得很有安全感,所以有什么表格,我一定放你的名字和电话,因为我知道需要联络你的时候,你一定都让人找得到。但是为什么我现在要找你却找不到?你去了哪里?为什么不见了?

快回来,我们都在等你。我好想好想见到你。二哥,你的妹妹很想你!!!!!!! 快回来吧。。。 这样的日子很辛苦,很难受。

/ 12:03 AM

Feeling very jaded with the religion. Wonder if there is something else that motivates us, spurs us, make things happens?

Everytime i talk to my nussd friends, they seem to be evoking religious concepts and precepts and teachings in whatever things that they see and do. Something along those lines and also quoting the leader's words, such as "xxx says we must do this, thus we should do this..." and almost everything can be rationalised and attributed to what this or that leader has said.


Why does every single issue have to revolve around the religion that we have? Why can't you just offer an analysis on the situation with a more secular perspective that is owned by you? Or thinking on your own feet and being true? And why not provide solutions and advice that are more real world that appeases our souls instead of telling me to go chant? I KNOW religion does help, and i WILL seek it, but could you not just do religion-speak all the time? It pisses me off real bad.

Time to revive myself somehow. Reconnect with nussd.

Thursday, March 10, 2011 / 11:46 PM
why does it have to be my er ge?

Haven't been blogging for a while. My thoughts have always been out of this world and i never seem to be able to anchor them down much. Keep having recollections that are painful and i don't know how to stop them.

Saw an MX5 while on my way to school in the evening for a meeting. I couldn't breathe you know. I just kept looking at that red MX5 because it was the SAME car as my Er Ge's. I couldn't take my eyes off it too, because i kept wondering how it would have been like to have been in the car when he crashed it into the divider, and feeling so scared and overwhelmed and full of regrets then immense pain as the metal pierced through the door and dealt him a blow to his head, which ultimately ended his life on the spot. And it was raining like this too, on a saturday evening.

He was already on his way back to Singapore, and just 2 more hours before he will be back in the safety of the house and in his familiar surroundings. Then i would have gotten home at night and saw him still sitting at his broken chair playing his computer stuff and drinking from his plastic bottle. Then i would just do my own things as i hear the music and sounds coming from his room. Then he would have came down to the living room as we watch tv as we usually do on saturday nights, and then he would go up to his room and sleep only around 2-3 am.

But that Saturday was the most painful one. Jan 15.

Till now i cannot get over his death. Someone so close to me, someone whom i had grew up with all my life, calling him Er Ge Er ge, going to him whenever i needed help in some of my essays and things, and him just being a very easy going and nice person. He never complained much, and he was very judicious and upright. He never takes sides, and he only stands on the side with the truth. Everything he did he never wanted to bother anyone or trouble anyone. At times, this made him a very independent person who never really needed to stick with groups or whatsoever. He is comfortable in his own skin, enjoys what he can enjoy, and aspires for life's finest.

Now all i keep having are images of him on the table of the morgue, his chest being sewn up in stitches after having gone through an autopsy. His face with some scratches, and frothing at the mouth. He was the Er Ge that i knew all my life, my 22 years of living. But there he is, liveless and cold and hard, no longer responding to us! He got into an accident in Malaysia, and that killed him. I touched his face, telling him that we are all here, mum, dad, da ge and me. His eyes were trying so hard to open because he knew we are all here finally. He died with the heavy rain and mud, and he had to stay in a foreign land in such a cold room for the night. Imagine his fear! His pain! His longing for his family and loved ones! Too young to die.

Everything still feels like a nightmare to me, and i want to wake up from it. But i cannot, because er ge is gone forever. I have heard of people dying and how painful it is through the news or reading newspapers, but i never knew it would hurt this much especially when it happens to me. I feel like a part of me died, and there is this dulling of my ardour for life. I feel a lack of impetus in doing anything. I feel like just going away for a while, get away from things here. But i cannot. My mum is here, my dad is here, my da ge is here.

I don't know how to face my friends sometimes. When they ask me how i am coping, i just say all is good. At times i feel very much normal, but then it hits me with flashbacks of my er ge. It makes me contemplate about my own mortality. It makes me think about all the WHY??

Where is my er ge now? Is he in heaven, as we all hope he is? In a better place? What if he is not? What if he is trapped in that place? I cannot be truly happy now. I feel like i owe my er ge. What if he is repaying my debts, my sins? I feel angry with myself that i couldn't do anything to help him or relieve his pain. At least, i wished that he was injured or something, and we can all still be together. But why be so cruel and not give him another chance? Another chance to live and be with us? He even bought a ticket for a concert in March you know, and now he will never get to see it for himself.

The calendar in his room reminds me of him too. He would always strike out each day that passed, and jan 15th remains blank, with the word "Track?". Damn his hobby. I wished he never liked cars and driving, so that he could have stayed alive in Singapore. I wished he had never gone on this trip, to Malaysia with his friends he didn't know well. And looking at the pictures he took just 1.5 hours before he died of cats and cars just crushes me. Why, why not let him live? We were all supposed to go attend the wedding dinner of my cousin on Sunday! And he died, just like that.

Everytime, i wish i could see my Er Ge's spirit in my dreams, telling me his thoughts and feelings. But that could be just my psychology making up everything, because i had wanted it to be this way. I feel very torn up, and i don't know what can i do to help myself tide over this. I want to know and hear my er ge, but there is nothing more.

The tears just keep coming and they won't spare any mercy.

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All the love in the world, dear John