Sunday, May 31, 2009 / 12:14 AM

I am filled with trepidation. It feels like i am almost venturing into some unknown perimeter and i have nothing to shield myself.

I got sick today. Woke up with a terrible sore throat and a throbbing headache, and was almost late for our log buying. Drove to meet the people at Sheng Siong and then we went back to school and all. Tumultuous. Then drove down to Lot One to meet the 4E3 people and at last got to meet JX before he flies back to Brunei. It felt really good to connect to the people you love and cherish, and hope D recovers from her flu quick! J took my car and after that i went to get the darts, and wound up at the doctor's after that. I actually fell asleep while waiting for my turn. I was THAT beat.

So had a quick dinner at Clementi and then walked home, trying to get myself to perspire so i won't feel that terrible. The weather was fabulous, cooling with a little evening breeze.

i need positive reinforcement. jiayou shuli :)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 / 12:40 AM

I feel out of the loop, disconnected and alienated sometimes. There is so much inadequacy and inefficiency in me that i cannot bear to handle the truth sometimes. The truth sets one free in a different way, not necessarily culminating into a pretty sight.

Seems like there is so much more that i can do but somehow the strength to muster up courage is missing. Like a puzzle waiting to be completed but just short of that last piece to make it whole.

Distress and guilt often consume me, like i feel bad.

Ahh. Tired.

Sunday, May 17, 2009 / 11:51 PM
byebye teenage life

I am 9 mins away from turning 20. Stepping into the 2_ years old realm now!

Well mixed feelings actually. 20 is a rather not here not there age, but still it signifies a transition. A change. And of course turning 21 is more monumental but i shall leave that for next year. I wanna make it a blast! Memorable too. Meaningful and lots of love.

So i guess there has got to be some sort of explanation to me being so melancholic suddenly. Could possibly be due to the moon or just hormones. OH WELL.

I had the best birthday celebration with me ex-classmates ever today. It was really awesome and i never felt so much love and gay-ness before (pun unintended). It was a mad day of rushing here and there, since i had an event to host at Tampines Mall for NUS Science Club's Science Volunteer Corp (SVC) with their ALIVE 2009. It was real fun, despite the turnout rate. I really enjoyed watching the performances, especially the wheelchair dance by D Passion. They ROCK MAN. WHOO!!!

Got myself a nice balloon art sculpted by a very talented balloon sculptor at the event for free (so nice!) and it was fab, although one of the balloons burst when i was on the taxi heading towards Raffles City Shopping Centre. Shocked the taxi driver and myself heh. MAD RUSH I TELL YOU. After hosting ALIVE and taking photos, hanging around a little i hopped on a cab to meet the peeps.

Had dinner at Shokudo, and it was great although i didn't have much appetite. Wonder if it was due to the long day or were the food too salty. Had the presents and all and the cake and we headed to Harry's at Esplanade for some drinks and small talk and games. Then headed home, took 106 with Jodee.

Seriously, thanks to Diana that i was able to have such a wonderful birthday celebration. She is in the midst of exams yet still managed to plan this so well! KUDOS! Big thank yous to all the people who turned up: Candice, Wingki, Jie Ying, Hafidz, Jonas, Yuan Ruo, Alvin, Melody, Benjamin, Jodee, Diana, Wei Shun :D


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Friday, May 15, 2009 / 1:03 PM

Pride is nothing.
Just takes a little patience.
A little throwing away of restraints and expectations.

Bear with it.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009 / 2:23 AM


Thinking too much can drive me crazy. Let things be for now. Cannot really stop the haters can i? To embrace the pricks and to let the love flow. Wisdom and forgiveness and lots of patience. I got to break through from this. I must not break down and throw in the towel.


Saturday, May 09, 2009 / 2:28 AM
End of sem

Mean by Pink is playing in the background now. Aww.

It has been quite a semester, and this song kind of makes me reflect. Haha. Pink has some pretty nice songs.

My first year of uni life is coming to an end reaaaaaalllllllyyyyyy soon. RAHHH. It has been pretty fast, and some dear memories to hold on to. Some new experiences to share with the future me, and i look back without harbouring any regrets or "what-ifs". It felt truly great to be able to make as much use of my time and throw myself into activities that allow me to learn and grow in so many ways. To meet different people from all walks of life who have so fortunately managed to congregate in FASS and to be able to interact with these fabulous beings.

It felt really good to be able to participate and help in the creation of something so miraculous.

Although i wished i could have done more, being more around and being more immersed, this is good enough for me. At least it is for now. Anymore and i tip the scale and risk it.

So i am going to do my best in what i am supposed to do, and to try as much to be natural and myself, without having the need to put on a facade and do things in a very plastic-like way. And also to not impose my moral expectations on others. Or anything of that sort.

Tired. And a little uncertain.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 / 8:38 PM

I wish i was less of a coward sometimes. Like being more confrontational when i need to and being more assertive instead of backing down.

Sometimes i really don't want to argue, even though i know that i have a stand and that everything was really unnecessary. But it feels futile, and i lack the energy and effort.

If, if, if. So nice to say "what if". "What if i had another chance?", "What if i had started revision earlier?" "What if i had been born in a rich family?" "What if i was taller?" "What if i was stronger?" "What if i was famous?" "What if i was more vocal?"

So many possibilities but we only have one life, and once chance. Not everyone has the kind of situation in 17 Again, where the protagonist gets another shot at life and lives through being 17 years old over again. Those things only happen in reel life.

Crying is a good way to let off emotions, and stress and unhappiness. Sometimes when i talk to people, i feel that they don't hear. It seems like they only hear what they want to hear. They listen, but they don't hear you. It's as if nothing is important to them. So why bother talking? They are not really concerned, not even your bestest friends. It is hard to get someone to hear you, because once in a while they have their own lives to worry about too. Religion helps in a way, giving one an outlet to say something, to tell a higher entity about your daily troubles.

Wonder if there is really a higher entity? Someone really floating above the clouds and watching the world. Someone or something we cannot see but we always never fail to pray to, hoping that it/he/she will help us realise our prayers. Or to have divine powers to help change things.

Oh boy, i am tired.

Some people never change, maintaining their haughty ways despite them having hurt others before. Or rather they choose not to change because this is what makes them handsome or something. I cannot stand them. As much as i try, i stay at arm's length. Because i don't know how to best interact with people who i have no connection with. We think at different frequencies, we have differing attitudes.

And tmr is my last paper. Gonna give my best for it although my eyes are really puffy now. SOB. Gonna read more Weber, Marx and whatever nonsense before i retire for the night. OMG so many things to cover and so little time. RAHHHHHHH.

this bag would be the best birthday present. maybe someday i will get it. Or i can just buy it off the rack for MYSELF. Whoo.

Saturday, May 02, 2009 / 6:48 PM

Reading British/World Texts was the worst paper i could have ever done in my life. It's like me doing Physics or Chemistry all over again. Without studying.
Despite it being an open-book exam and having such a strong background in Literature since secondary school, i am ashamed of what i have written in my exam booklet. To get a B- would be a big blessing already.

Singapore Society today was not so bad. I at least managed to write enough stuff and smoke through the whole paper. Hate some people. TSK.

Last paper on monday, then its full-blown relaxation. Tired and sallow from all the exam intensity and prep work. It's time to inflict some damage. AFTER the exams.


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All the love in the world, dear John