Friday, June 22, 2007 / 10:39 PM
studying all this time

Really super duper stressed out, or rather worn out.
Haven been studying consistently cos of my China trip that resulted in a 2 week illness, making me lethargic and exhausted.Nevertheless, i still have no one to blame but my pathetic self.

Monday is GP and Econs and well, GP is well, hmm. But i guess this is just Murphy's Law at work, so i shall just focus and try to concentrate on what matters most. But seriously, is my English really that bad? I mean do give me comments if i don't write well or if i have some weird expressions ok? That may just help me improve my English standard..

Math is "the horror!the horror!". It is like a python coiling around my neck, increasing its force as the minute passes. Cannot seem to figure out all the sums and understand all the solutions but what the heck, just try my best, lah.

The rest are pure reading and memorising, and i do hope i can cross this hurdle at the very least.


If there are any concerned souls out there, please do give me tips and advice on dealing with pressure. It keeps getting to my head these days.

Anyway, gotta go off for more revision. Doesnt help that you studied some wrong topics and wasted a fair bit of time. But it's gotta be home run baby!

Yeah its getting to the head.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 / 11:01 PM

It is daunting, scary, mysterious and stressful.
But i am taking a step at a time and treading slowly and carefully.
Hopefully i will cross this small hurdle and be on the path to greater things.

Study is the buzzword.

Friday, June 08, 2007 / 4:45 PM
when there was laughter

I was studying Economics, going through the stack of notes and endless reading. It was a quiet afternoon, with the air hanging and the crickets making their unique sounds. The wind meandered through my hair, and caressing the back of my neck. I scribbled the definitions and read the paragraphs of Economic content. It was no doubt heavy and i struggled to persevere.

It was between drifting off to sleep and trying to remember the content that my father asked me to go downstairs to get him the papers from the provision shop. Thinking that i need a break, i agreed and put on my slippers. It felt good to be away from my books, at least for a while.

I never thought that taking the stairs would feel this good.

I got the papers and then started to walk slowly back to my block. Headlines roared of how Christopher Lee is going to get a heavier sentence, the latest updates of the NKF saga.. Banal information. I wondered why does the Singapore press always harp on the same few topics. It gets boring after a while. Maybe they are our equivalent of Paris Hilton and political satire of the overseas.

Anyway i was just reaching my block when i saw a few young children playing at the garden. There was a maid, two young girls and a young boy. The maid was absorbed in her cell phone, while the boy only had eyes for his remote controlled toy car. The two girls, one long haired and extremely chubby, the other wearing spectacles and in a cute shirt and shorts combo, were looking on and making their comments.

How they laughed!

The game was nothing exciting nor thrilling: just the three of them playing a game of catching with the toy car as the "catcher". The girl with the specs was laying down rules while the chubby girl was lost in her world. I just couldn't ignore their laughter and how carefree they were. Then i took a look at my own shadow and realised that it was bent and tired.

Maybe this is what it means to grow up, to start getting jaded. You forget how it was like to really be silly and have fun with your friends. You don't remember the times where you talked to someone not to get something in return but to simply talk. You do not recall the times when life was so pure and simple. Because you have matured.

I look around me and i see faces of fatigue and distress. I walk around my school and i do not see sincere hearts nor genuine smiles. Everyone is busy shuttling somewhere but they do not have the destination in mind. Maybe some do. Maybe some have already planned their routes and how are they going to live their lives. But isn't this forced and unnatural?

As we grow, we are expected to adhere to rules and fufill expectations others placed on us. We cannot slurp our soup because others think its unpleasant. We are not allowed to speak loudly for fear that others may think of us to be country pumpkins. We are restrained. Like having a dog leash around our necks and having a muffler around our heads.

Right now, my restrain is my studies. I cannot do whatever i want because i have to do well for the A levels, get good scores so i can enter NUS. I fear, and sometimes pity myself. I fear that i cannot perform well and get good scores, but i pity myself for being so concerned with how others think of me. I don't play the game because i want to play it but i am affected by what others think.

All i want to do now is to run away. Run as far as i can and as long as i can. I want to live at a farm, waking up to the smell of lavender and fresh grass with the sun on my face. I want to be able to run with all my might on the large pastures without having to fear knocking into another jogger. I want to breathe in fresh air instead of the artificial and polluted air i breathe in now.

But all the above are wants. And wants are unlimited, as we learn in life and well, Economics.

I guess its all the stress of studying and being in a good school. Afterall i have always been an average student trying to survive. People keep telling me i can do it and all but they don't understand the real circumstances. It is not easy to just survive you know. It is even harder to excel. All i want is to really be able to clear the A levels and do well for it, get my cert and enter NUS. Then clear uni exams, get my degree and do whatever i want. Get a job and work from 9 to 5, or fly to Australia and work at a farm. Anything.

For now, guess the only thing i can do is to study hard, pray earnestly and keep the laughter.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007 / 9:16 PM
my horrible china trip

Man this China trip was a KILLER. I mean i almost died there!

Well the first day was all right cos it was really relaxed and slow. We checked into the hotel a little after lunch and then it was all walking around and doing some window shopping. The second day saw us heading to Anxi, the countryside of Xiamen and where all my grandmother's relatives reside. God that night i had a fever reaching 39 deg celsius. I was so afraid cos the temperature was really high and i am in a foreign land. The third night was the same, and i had a sore throat plus running nose too. It was one unforgettable trip.

So anyone planning to go China, please do remember to drink lots of water and vitamin C , bring enough flu and fever medication and be prepared. Funny how i was so sick despite myself having been to China for umpteen times.

Now i can really appreciate Singapore better cos everything here is so fantastic. The toilets are clean and equipped with doors, shopping malls are tidy and air-conditioned with good service, airport is world-class and efficient..I love Singapore!

Anyway, this is just to tell you guys i am BACK and recovering from my sore throat. I still sound a little fuzzy but it's a matter of days before i get well again. Gotta keep drinking lots of water.

So long.

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All the love in the world, dear John