Wednesday, February 28, 2007 / 10:51 AM
very afraid

Common Test 1 is looming around the corner, trying to get me.
I freeze and wonder what am i supposed to do.
Cries of help goes unheard, or merely brushed off by patronising advice.
Silent contemplation unfolds but invites more worries and fears.
Jaws remained clenched.
Fist turns white.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me these few days. I always feel tired and unable to concentrate on my work. Take for example yesterday. I was trying to study as much as i can but my mind just refuses to cooperate. Defiance! I just cant absorb any of the information. My head hurt so much and i felt so useless and stupid. Everyone else is progressing and i am stagnant. During the econs consultation i did not even understand anything. I was just dumb-struck. I can see the lips move but nothing registers and i am so freaking out!! I don't have much time yet i cannot focus and read my materials! Shucks man. I am at a loss right now and super scared. The worst thing is not knowing what to do and feeling unprepared tho you are trying to get down to work. I am so stressed up now i cant really think straight.

Man..i am so screwed for Common Test 1.

Guess i really need to see a psychiatrist. Sometimes i wonder whether i can take all this or if i am really made for this. It's just so sick. I hate myself for not being good enough. And it is just CT1! It's not even the real thing yet i am already so stressed. Why am i so stressed? WHY?

Stupid education system that demands so much from students.

Monday, February 19, 2007 / 4:22 PM
happy chinese new year!

gong xi fa cai
hong bao na lai!

In case you did not understand the hanyu pinyin, it meant for you to prosper and to give me a red packet too :) haha..

Anyway this CNY felt slow and monotonous. I have not even realised that CNY is here cos there weren't much buzz about it. Just felt like yet another festive season laa.But the receiving red packets part was really good and i can't imagine that i am receiving them from cousins who are barely much older than me, probably older by 10 years. Ok that's quite a huge age gap but it felt like they were married ALREADY. weird. Hmm.

Went to watch Ghost Rider with diana, jingxiang,alvin,yuanruo and kenneth yesterday night. Had some awry moments but it did not affect us much. They played bridge while we waited for the show to start at 10pm. Ho ho..funny la. I was carrying this huge bucket of popcorn and walking around. Lol.

Man it was nothing spectacular but it was a really good popcorn-eating flick. Lots of action and some jokes but nothing much. The saving grace of the entire movie was probably Nicholas Cage prancing around in his bath towel in the toilet and he's got EIGHT PECS. SOLID EIGHT PECS.OH MY GOODNESS.EIGHT!!EIGHT!!!!

Sorry. A little hysterical back there.

But he look damn hot tho he is already in his mid life. Effects were really good. It wasnt scary but diana kept gasping and shrieking that i felt a little frightened not by the movie but by how easily she is scared. Hur hur. Quite funny to see her squirm in her seat when some idiotic character makes a really sudden appearance, those that their face takes up the whole screen and changes into a demon or some sort. Guffaws.

If only i had some super powers like Johnny Blaze, life could be one hell of a ride. Funny that after watching the movie i'll just look at every bike rider and imagine them bursting into flames with a chain round their shoulders. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

happy chinese new year everybody :)

Saturday, February 17, 2007 / 3:47 AM
more pics from TIP 2006

that's theresa, a student from Germany who is in Taiwan to learn Chinese.
this guy is HOT STUFF man..he has the coolest hair in the entire campus!
me and wei
the whole group with our new hairdo

me and jie
i LOVE this pic :)
brand new looks!
i look quite tall
eating their kind of ice kachang

at Shilin Night Market

/ 2:55 AM
birthday for michelle

later in the day at Vivo's Terra for a nice dinner..i accompanied michelle and gave some help on clothes. Nice :)

and more..i was trying to finish my work ok..NOT mugging unlike the two ppl above..
some cam whoring at the library..
Abi and me at the canteen
the yummy mocha-flavoured cake. the knife looks hmm..
part of 06a02..some ppl weren't included in the pic.
that's our birthday girl with Jensen, the funny man.
MICHELLE the birthday girl.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 / 11:15 PM
letter from a wife


Wow, it's our 35th Valentine's day together this year. Can't believe that time has passed by that fast and now our kids are all grown up and independent already. We are all grey and wrinkled, unlike the first time we met, with me having a slim figure and wavy long hair and you being lean and tall.

I still remember the first time you tried to woo me, when you waited for me at the factory where i worked. I still remember that it was late at night, about 9pm, and there you were waiting for me at the lobby. You had that geeky smile and earnest look in your eyes that really touched me. You send me home every night, rain or shine and even call me saying lovey-dovey words. Everyday i look forward to your calls and you are so sweet and charming. You were really good with words and wielded them like powerful weapons to your advantage, just like you always do.

I was attracted by your countenance, and your disposition and your smile. I really liked you a lot, but my friends said that you were too old for me and that with my qualities i deserve better. But i stuck to my guns and just thought you were the one. Even though i had many suitors, my heart belonged to just you.

And so we got married.

We spent really great times together, the long strolls we had at the beach, the suppers, the flowers and silly jokes, movies, dinner, picnics, mind-blowing kisses and all the sweet things that we always enjoy doing. Until now.

Why is it that we stop doing so many things when we are now old? Is it because you feel that our kids have all grown up so you have the right to roam wherever you want? Do you feel like all your responsibilities towards this family is over because you think your duties are done? And that you can just leave everything behind and not give a shit to them?

You have changed. So different and scary.

She called you in the middle of the night, and you chatted with her in our bedroom with me sleeping by your side. I pretended to not know anything because i don't want to make things ugly. When you are out on Sundays i knew it was not for coffee with friends but to find her. China woman. You thought i never knew? You thought i was THAT dumb and docile? Maybe when i was younger and innocent, where i thought you were my world and i had to listen to you and be by your side and be at your beck and call.

Our daughter hated what you did. She hated you for your attitude and actions. Same for me.

I really don't know what you were thinking when you were so close to that China woman. You claimed the both of you were just friends and there was nothing else. No, there is more to it than meets the eye. I really don't know what you were doing and whether you had considered what are our reactions to your furtive and darty looks. Just friends? Would a man and a woman go out alone till the wee hours, claiming that you were KBOXing with her? Would you send her home if you were friends? Would her boyfriend send you hate mail if you guys were friends?

Don't take me as a foolish woman.Perhaps i was.

Our sons are all grown up and working now, and perhaps it only affects our little girl. She is only 11, and how do you think she will feel if she sees how you behave? You are like a jerk you know. You fight with me all day long and yell at me and degrade me with your acid tongue. What happened to the man i once knew? The one who would cheer me up with his silly jokes and bashfulness? You are a changed man.

Now that that slut has gone back to China, you start to go overseas. Frequent trips to areas around China. Who knows what you have been doing during your trips? Visiting that vamp i guess? Is it that important to be always abroad?

I am really disappointed with you. That whore has interrupted our lives and you will not do anything to remediate this situation. What the hell are you thinking? What is it that you want? A divorce? WHAT?

It's really meaningless if you are the one who do not want to salvage this marriage, leaving it to go sour. I am really tired from trying to bear with your stupid actions and reckless moves. What are you going to do to save this family? What will you do to change yourself? To kick away the bad habits and be a brand new man? Will you ever be a good role model as a father for our kids to look up to?

Honey, please take some time to reflect. You are a grown man now and has lived over half a century. You took the vows when you married me and please ask yourself if you have fulfilled any of them.

Lastly, i wish you a happy valentines and i love you.

Sunday, February 11, 2007 / 5:46 PM

Just really stressed up these few weeks. Flunked my first math lecture test with a score of 12 out of 25 marks. Sigh. I just don't understand how come it is so easy to do practices and problems but when it comes to the real thing i just stammer. I dunno why i am so lousy in math. Does practice really makes perfect?

Dun understand some econs concepts too. Now with macro econs, i dunno if i can manage. My microecons aint very strong and i am still considering whether i should go for tuition. It will be good if i can go for tuition cos i am so weak in that topic. But then there is still CCA and it all just builds up.

Sigh this is only the start of the year and i am already feeling stressed up and cant focus. Is there something wrong with me or do i need help? Really, A levels is so tough.

Seeing all my juniors getting their O level results and then screaming with tears of joy and elatedness makes me feel so glad at their achievements. They remind me of myself when i was waiting anxiously in the school hall, pondering whether i had gotten good grades to go to a JC. All the tension, "what-ifs", worst case scenarios and butterflies in stomach. Everything became crystal clear as i saw my name on the power point slide alongside the names of the other top scorers and i simply could not believe my eyes. Now it's their turn.

Well, as one of my friend puts it, the road to A levels will definitely be hell of a shit but once the exams are over, you will feel like the top of the world. Maybe. I have no idea.

Mulling over the stack of notes and assignments, i cannot help but wonder if i can do it. Whether i can pull through and go tackle the bull by its horns. It just feel so insurmountable. Sometimes i just feel so lousy and pathetic and worn out by everything. But i guess i gotta keep going.

Ahhhhh... No point fixating on the bad stuff. Gotta look forward to the future! Forget about all the muscle aches, cruel schoolmates and endless reprimands and

Wednesday, February 07, 2007 / 6:50 PM
fun with language

You should just watch this when your parents are not looking.
Wickedly hilarious.
Super diao.
Have fun ;)

Monday, February 05, 2007 / 10:45 PM

Ever felt tired to the verge of paralysis? Or so drenched in sweat that u feel like a walking water body?

Felt that.

I realised that training had a whole new meaning today.

Who could ever understand the dynamics of people? Of how things work? I was having practice today with the Chinese dancers next beside us doing their routine. It was quite cute cos our ping pong balls kept flying over to the other side where they were training. Then the dancers had to pick them up for us and continued with their dance. HAH HAH.

And i just kept playing with my junior until the rest of them asked us if we wanted to go home already. Was super excited and i was all pumped up with adrenalin and i just wanted to play more. Then we all walked out of the school together. I reached Clementi at about 8.15pm i think. Then i had to go buy my dinner and eat at home. Waited for my bus and when i finally got home it was 9pm sharp and the theme song of "The Peak" was playing. Hur hur. Then bathed and tucked into my Hokkien noodles and winter melon tea whilst admiring Elvin Ng. That guy is hot man.

So now stuck in front of the computer and looking up info for my geog lesson tmr. APEC information and how do they operate. PHWOAR. How drab is that? But then still trying to find out more about this trade bloc that i am supposed to do my study on. Grr.

Yeah i am pretty much zonked out and tired. But i guess this is how JC life should be. Gonna have to do this with a positive attitude and cherish every moment of it.

work hard,
get good grades and
get the government to like you so much so that
they may just give you a job.
in future.

Friday, February 02, 2007 / 10:53 PM
showing the attitude

Attitude. Is it something that makes you or breaks you? Does it define who you are or provides a facade to who you truly are?

There was this guy whom i once knew and he was one hell of a confident guy. Everything was a breeze to him and things always seem good and chirpy. But his attitude towards others was patient and comfortable, and he never put on airs or elevate himself from the rest of us. This other guy that i know is super arrogant and always think that others are wrong and inferior. He sometimes treats his younger brother really badly in terms of verbal abuse. Not the extreme kind but well, i thought he should not have done that cos it kinda affects the kid's feelings ya know. He just thinks his younger brother is ignorant and that whatever he says are crap and inane things.

I thought his attitude was horrendous. Horrifying. Wonder where did all the learning and nurturing gone to? Why do people treat others whom they deem inferior poorly? There is no need to have this kind of double standard.

Just the other day our principal was encouraging us to speak up and air our views. It was a dialogue session and we were supposed to provide suggestions and recommendations for issues raised . People spoke and answers were given, but i somehow felt that this one girl was right. She claimed that we do not speak up because we felt that our voice arent heard and that it was useless even when we do speak up.

It sounded confrontational but i can see where she is coming from. Most of us felt this way. Or maybe a few do.

I will have to say that i never felt that i belonged to NJC not till till towards the end of last year. So i never felt that my views mattered at all. My attitude was all of nonchalance and who-gives-a-shit but now things are different. My attitude has taken on a different tone and now i wanna know what i can stand up for and get. I guess everyone's attitude helps you to change some aspect of your life eh?

If Gandhi had not had a positive attitude in leading his people to fight against the Westerners, would they still have gotten their freedom? If Edison gave up trying to figure out the perfect element for his light bulb cos if a sure-lose attitude, will we still have our streets lit up brightly? If Lee Kuan Yew gave up on Singapore after we got separated from Malaysia, will we still have the prosperous and wonderful country we have now?

Now attitude definitely makes or breaks you. So have a brand new attitude towards life today.

bio tag misc past
musings of a superhero girl
All the love in the world, dear John