Saturday, February 26, 2011 / 3:06 AM
direction to take
Just thought i would update this blog for a bit before i retire for the morning. Talk about having a healthy lifestyle, which should equate to an early night and an early morning!
I have been stuck at the computer for the entire day now, and it has been well, more than 12 hours of reading, researching, typing and thinking. Guess the recess week is never really a recess week huh? Two essays to do, 1 mid term to study for, and i still got to take at least 5 pictures for the mid term exam. Not exactly someone who manages her workload well huh?
And to think that i had wanted to start this sem anew with less procrastination and more diligence. But i guess er ge's incident kind of derailed me a bit, and i am still in the process of trying to get my footing back. Time and tide waits for no man, and apart from the occasional breaks of looking at blogshops, websites and inane news, the religion paper has got my attention.
Went to find out more about Bill Cunningham, the street photographer for NYC. He takes pretty good shots, and has quite a personality. His signature blue jacket and raspy voice was quite alluring in a strange way, and i kind of appreciate that this celebrated man has a very humble disposition and not pompous at all. I like that great people don't put on airs, not to even ask of ordinary people.
Guess i had better get some sleep. Essay marathon in the day!
Sunday, February 20, 2011 / 11:47 PM
sing a song
Just a song that reminded me of my er ge. Whenever i high-five him, i will sing this short part of a song.
Guess the stump isn't fully ready yet huh, C S Lewis?
Not catching up in my studies, feeling very behind time. Feeling out of sorts, feeling discontented, feeling breathless. So much essays to do yet no drive to do them AT ALL. Life is meaningless this way.
Friends who disappoint all the time, who remain always unheard. Best friends you say? I don't think so. Wonder what is so hard about sending an sms or fb wall post at the very least. And you still dare to say you care about me. Now, S, when i see you, i don't feel a sense of endearing friendship anymore. Maybe you have moved on long ago while i was still stuck here waiting for your return. Regression is no good.
Bah, stop complaining and start living.
Friday, February 18, 2011 / 7:07 PM
All that is solid melts into air
The day is coming to an end, and strangely i have ended up at the secretariat office by myself with peer support people having their meeting in the room. So here i am typing an entry while i sit here by myself. Funny.
Chomping down on organic macadamia nuts now too. Cute guy walked past the secretariat. Couple holding hands. Envy. Happy friends.
Why do i always feel so melancholic all the time? Time is too short to be wasted on frivolities and petty moments. Why be so mean and formal all the time? Thank goodness i am hiding behind the desk and no on will ever see me here. Invisibility cloak of my own.
There are friends who always say that they want to meet up to do this and that, but such promises always don't seem to materialize and get fulfilled. Is it my fault? Friends who don't seem to gel with me anymore, friends who don't stop and say hi anymore, friends who don't appear on msn, friends who don't look at your facebook/blog.
All that is solid melts into air. Nothing is forever. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend.
I need a real holiday, away from here and with someone i love.
Stop saying you miss me you care catch up soon lunch soon WHEN YOU DON'T INTEND TO DO ANY OF THOSE. Superficial love is bullshit.
Read Marshal Berman if you have time. And perhaps Richard Dawkins too.
Friday, February 11, 2011 / 2:19 AM
Met up with B today and had an okay dinner at Shin Kushiya at vivo. Sushi Tei had a mad long queue. Ton Katsu wasn't that fantastic. The night before was with J and W at the Verve, and the food was okay, LOVE the pizza but the duck confit gave me the runs.
Felt really angry yesterday hearing about the details about my er ge's car. Scumbags took his stereo and electronics out of the car and now everything is gone. I don't want to look at his car and be reminded of the pain, with me partially having no courage to see the last scene of his death being replayed in my mind over and over again. I don't think i can take another blow like that.
But really, this makes me feel that humanity does have a really dark side that we don't see being reported in the newspapers. People who don't stop and help but take advantage of the situation, they really deserve no good ending.
Long way to go huh.
Gotta wake up my idea and stop being so flippant about life. Life is too short to be wasted.
Sunday, February 06, 2011 / 9:58 PM
should have stayed home
At j's place now while i key in this entry. Somehow my lack of interest in gambling has effectively excluded me from the whole group of "friends". I guess that cannot be helped, because i hate gambling even if it is for fun. So if friends cannot accept me, i don't think i can make any compromises.
Feeling a little happy with Er Ge's camera around my neck. At least he is here with me while i sit in his bedroom typing this entry. I guess the only solace i can seek is with myself. Friends? Who ever know if they are truly friends? Will friends say insensitive things that hurt you? Will they just not contact you for prolonged periods of time? And when they do talk to you, they think that it's okay to just pretend that everything is fine and be super chummy? Sorry, i don't take that kind of shit.
And i find it funny that even though friends say they care and they will be here, they are just patronising you. Who the fuck says that they will REALLY be there for you when you need them? Will they answer your call even if it is 430am in the morning? Will they rush to your side when you are feeling like nothing but shit?
I don't know. Am i expecting too much? Should i not expect so much?
I find that it is so hard to just pretend that i am okay and be happy and ra ra. Cant they show a wee bit of concern? SINCERE CONCERN? Everytime i see your faces and concerns i can't help but feel that they are fake. SO SAVE IT!
I hate to feel so abandoned. It reminds me of Er Ge. He was left there to die in the cold cold rain. What were we doing when he needed us the most? We were all too caught up in our own businesses. Too obsessed with people other than FAMILY. Why do we bother? When things truly happen, where are FRIENDS? They are nothing and nowhere. Why would they bother to bring back your body or make sure that you are okay? Who are you to them? You are just a friend, and when something happens= "oh someone i know only".
Perhaps Er Ge's death has made me a more cynical person, because when things truly happened, only your family will be there for you. When people say that you are their "best friend", i don't believe that nonsense anymore. They are always in search for groups of people that they can leech on, where they can benefit and suck the life out of. And once that is done, they move on to other more beneficial and worthy groups.
Do people even remember that John has passed away in the car crash? He has only passed away less than a month ago. DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW THAT?! DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?! DO YOU PEOPLE TRULY CARE!
ALL YOU ALL CARE ABOUT ARE YOURSELVES. YOUR PATHETIC SELFISH SELVES. WHY WOULD YOU STOP AND CARE ABOUT OTHERS? WHY WOULD U EVEN BOTHER! BECAUSE EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU YOU YOU.
This pain hurts. But no one understands. No one is truly offering to help. No one really bothers. Friends, neighbours, they are not trustworthy. Trust nobody but yourself. Now, i don't even know if i can trust myself. Quite sad huh?
Everytime i see tweets or fb statuses about how life sucks for people, how jialat they think their situations are, how angry they are over certain inane things or about guys and relationships, DO YOU BLOODY KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE A BROTHER? TO HAVE TO SEE HIS BODY COLD AND LIFELESS AND COVERED WITH BLOOD? DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PAIN IS THAT? STOP LAMENTING THAT YOUR LIFE IS SO PATHETIC AND ALL THAT.
My brother had a successful career and an even brighter one ahead. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE COMPARED TO HIS!? HE HAD SO MUCH to look forward to, so much more that he could achieve. He studied hard to get his degree and to be a high-flyer. He wanted so much to have an exotic wedding and to take nice pictures. He wanted to visit london and so many countries. He wants to go back to USA again because he didn't have enough time to visit in 2010. He wanted to ascend the corporate ladder and do something even better than he was doing now. And all these will never ever be fulfilled because HE IS DEAD.
What have you to complain about your life? You are still living, breathing and able. Stop bloody complaining and whining and do something good for yourself!
I think i am going to go home now. I cannot stand being in this house any longer. I want to go home to where i can feel safe and comforted. Friends. I don't know anymore.