Wednesday, October 24, 2007 / 10:53 PM
fine line

There is a fine line between a friend and a comrade.

From now onwards i am going to ignore all the negative vibes that people emit and i will deflect all of them away. True, friends do not support you as much as comrades do. Friends have vested interests and they utilise the people around them. Conversely, comrades are self-sacrificial and they share the same life philosophy as you. They are willing to go the extra mile and they are always there to lend you their shoulders.

And i have had a taste of it today.

Some people just can be so helpful and amiable towards others, genuinely showing care and concern to their well-being and mental state. Some are just patronising and they do it for "face" and formalities. With that, i can feel the hemisphere above me welling up in tears and going into a winter solstice.

But anyway, Teck Khiang is right. Your friends who take the a levels with you are not comrades because you do not need each other to pass the exams. They can still live on fine even if someone else fails it. So what you have to do is to persevere on, have the stand-alone spirit and tackle the A levels by the horns.

I guess i will be having more me-time, trying to revise more for the imminent exams and confirm myself in this world of flux.


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Monday, October 22, 2007 / 10:20 PM

It is raining now. A sudden downpour. The night sky is tinged with a copper-red hue. I have always loved the rain, such a nice melodious natural song. When i was young i would always think that the deities and angels above were urinating on us, cos rainwater always tasted a little salty. Ha that was a cute thought.

Sitting in front of the computer and typing this entry, my eyes just kept fleeting to the rain outside the window. I turned off my table light and now the whole room is dark, except for my computer screen and the streetlights outside. The rain is milder now, but the smell lingers in the air. It is indeed kind of strange to be typing without the lights on. Gotta figure out where are all the buttons to hit.

It just seems so wondrous, such life. I am no poet or short story writer, nor am i going into bouts of philosophical shit. But today was just a challenge for me. I pulled myself out of bed early in the morning as i struggled to go to school for math consultation that lasted an hour. Tough as it may seem, it was a fine line between going to school and learn something or having an extra hour of sleep. But i managed to slap away the devil who was nudging me the other way.

OK i gotta turn on the lights. It is creating quite a strain on my already bad eye sight to type in the dark.

So i was in school and waited for my tutor to come. Grabbed a sandwich and gobbled it down as breakfast. Then did P&C questions and went down to the oasis to study with the peeps. Talked a little about our graduation trip, and arrived at a conclusion: WE SHALL TOUR AUSTRALIA! Then hung around for a while, studying econs and falling asleep and waking up and studying again. At around 1.20pm, the five of us marched over to Ema's Diner for a wholesome lunch with lots of gossiping and goofiness. Had a really long lunch too. Headed back to school and studied while mich and ec left. Abi, sam and me then studied for a while, and we went to see the school counselor about our problems and etc. Felt really good to have someone to listen to you and devise solutions and try to empower you. It is also heartening to know that you have friends who are by your side and are going through the same ordeal as you. Feels great to know that you are not alone in this journey, this hell of a ride.

So we left the school with a brandished sword, armed with glittering armour. I am definitely gonna slay this A levels. Like how Buffy does it with gusto and dexterity. Yay.

Right now, its plate tectonics and tectonic hazards dancing around me, with a cocktail of macro economics lecture notes swirling in my glass.

kudos to ms ting, mr goh, ms dorothy chua, mr yeo, mr whitby,ms kavi for being so patient and helpful towards me during consultations. You people inspire me!

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/ 12:53 AM

THANKS to everyone who tagged me..It's delightful to know that someone cares!

well i have been out of sorts in recent months.
Feeling emotional, getting teary-eyed at the simplest thing
shouting in the lift to persevere and vent frustrations.
But well, maybe it is because i am too strung up on the A levels.
It is important and MAJOR.
It concerns my future.
It concerns whether i get a nice office job or not.
It concerns the kind of life i will live in future.
Maybe not that severe.

But i have kind of been thinking in a sort of direction lately.
I shouldn't keep putting myself down cos it is just hurtful and it does not a damn thing to help me better myself in anyway.
In fact it takes away so much energy that it leaves you breathless.
So right now i am gonna be a new ME.
To surround myself with positive people,especially.
To friends that have showed me nothing but shit, TO HELL WITH YOU.
To teachers who well, whatever, nevermind.
To the random person who likes to broadcast his song collections through his cellphone, spare a thought for the environment with your um, noise pollution.
To the people who always refuse to move to the rear of the bus and train cabin, i suggest some exercise routine to get those perennially dead leg muscles working again.
To the smoker, well, be considerate.
To the uncle who gives out flyers, i do not take your flyers not because i am shy. I just DON'T want to go for some english language classes.
To the idiotic person who talks on his phone in the middle of a movie, GET OUT!
To the girl who snubbed me and thinks shes the best singer, let me tell you, you don't deserve any respect for your beautiful voice for having such a poor attitude.

Well the list can go on and on, and i can berate more people. But that would mean taking up more time to type them out and there are opportunity costs.
Math consultation at 9am tmr. Hopefully i wun be late.

miracles happen once in a while.
when you believe.
i love you.

Monday, October 15, 2007 / 10:55 PM
stressing out

I guess everyone must have been saying how stressed they are and all that. "I'm stressed" is a frequent phrase i use nowadays, and i don't say that just to be like everybody else or to pretend to be. I am really stressed out. Under so much pressure.

Just did TJC, ACJC and SAJC's math paper 1. And i failed everyone of them. Seriously, i feel so down. Its tough not being able to solve math questions and the question just stares at you in the face yet you have no solution for it. It sucks so bad that i wanna die you know. Like in the exam hall, everyone is scribbling and pressing their GCs so furiously, yet i am in slow mo. Damn! I dunno how to handle this sinking feeling. It just feels bad, you know? As if i am hopeless and beyond redemption.

I know i should buck up for tmr's mock math paper 1, but i just feel so terrible about it. I hate to fail it AGAIN, cos its the LAST trial i can have before the real thing comes along. And i cant revise tmr morning because we have some farewell assembly and that is gonna take some time. And we gotta take back our prelims results.


The mock will be at LT1 at 12 noon. Now that is scary. I am having a headache now. My neck feels stiff. And i keep getting the runs. Out of nervousness.

HELP ME! Even my lines and thoughts seem fragmented. I guess i shouldnt have been so lackadaisical in my attitude and everything. I was just a complacent bitch. And i think i should make up for that NOW.

I don't know what is wrong with me man, all this negativity and bad aura. Just feel breathless and smothered. Tired and under immense pressure.

Am i still gonna make it? I really wanna go to NUS and take up theater studies or sociology. Its so tempting and i really wanna make it.

Well i guess this sort of ranting and whining doesn't really help to make my goals seem any easier. Saps away the energy while i worry all day long.

SIGH. Everyone goes through this stage, and i WILL overcome this hurdle.


Wednesday, October 10, 2007 / 10:23 PM
older people

Today was just one of the many instances where i am confronted with two old fogeys who seem to have the mentalities of toddlers. And that really sent me through the roof.

You know how young children behave, they cry when they do not get what they want and sometimes pretend to cry by scrunching up their tiny faces so that you'll give in to their whims. Some fight over the most inane things, like if Classmate A used B's eraser because she couldn't find hers and B will just start castigating her and then the two break into a mini squabble. Sometimes when a kid is deprived of an opportunity to go on a ride or buy an ice cream they either throw tantrums or start giving you a "face".

Well i thought that was quite common when they were children. I didn't know it spills over to middle age.

Maybe its the kind of world we live in. Too much competition, too much stress and too much suspicions. We tend to over-suspect on every banal issue, like if the auntie washed her hands before preparing hor fun for you, or if the China-made garment you are wearing is fire-proof, lest you turn into a ball of fire at BBQ. Anyway, we have too much considerations ALL THE TIME. No one bothers to think SIMPLE. Or to just forgive and forget. And act like an adult instead of trying to superimpose ideas on others, when yours are OBVIOUSLY flawed.

The two old fogeys happened to be related to me in a certain sort of way, but due to some reasons i shall not specify their identities. But subsequently, those who know me enough should be able to fathom who they are and even if you don't, good for you.

On a fine fine evening, two old fogeys quarreled over some phone call Fogey A had made to B's relative. B is having some problem and well, the call pissed him off. It made things worse!, i quote. A didn't see what is the big deal over a phone call because she was concerned and she had wanted to know what was going on, but B had wanted to settle things by himself as he has the capacity to do so. So they squabbled, and B was furious and yelled at A to mind her own business because he does not need her "concern". After that i talked to A, and told her to perhaps step away from this issue, as B obviously wants to resolve his problems by himself. A doesn't see what is wrong with her action, and is indignant that B is so angry with her.

See how adults behave over such a small matter? I thought it was silly and uncalled for, because what sort of influence would a damn call make to B's life? It was just a harmless act, and it was in the best interests of B. However, i felt that B was right to feel angry, because it seems like A is trying to pry into his business by asking others what had happened to him. It just doesn't feel good when someone seems to be so "busybody" and "kaypoh" when you just want to keep a low profile and do things your way.

The thing i don't get is why are they always so hyped up about something that is so MINOR? It always has got to do with something really insignificant, like why didn't you put back the chairs properly? Why did you leave the fan on? Why didn't you ask for my permission? Why did you touch my things? Why didn't you tell me where you had gone to?

Bollocks. And i get a daily dosage of them.

It baffles me the way some adults think and work. Its as if their minds are in a vacuum and their egos are hung up high. They do not take you seriously, thinking that you wouldnt be able to inderstand their plight because you are "still young", "you will know it when you are married" and stuff like these. They do not bother to even consider your suggestions that may help to improve their attitudes and moods because they have eaten more salt than you have eaten rice (Chinese saying). Just preoccupied with their traditional thinking and pride, so much so that they will not condescend to listen to your views.

So my stance would be to take a step backwards and watch the two "fight like dogs", quoting from a family member. After all, if two dogs don't see eye to eye with each other and always tries to bite the other's tail, there is nothing much we can do about it. Just watch them fight lah. After they are done barking at each other, they will take a rest and re-charge, and wait for the next matter that triggers off their barking mechanisms. It seems like they live to fight. And my heart always skips a beat and i feel the monstrosity of the fluttering of butterflies in my stomach whenever i hear elevated voices.

But then, it is anal to be so disturbed by such silly distractions. They do nothing to help me remember more vocabulary, solve more Math problems or write excellent essays. I guess this is just life huh? There will always be the brainer and the no-brainer stuff. And if you so happen to fall for the no-brainers, pick yourself up, dust away the mediocrity and be jocose. You only get to live once, so make the full use of it man.

And as i am brushing away the dirt from my clothes, it is time to dive back into my books. To fit into the middle echelons of my 1989 batch, the endless consultations, brain-frying and drooling at my desk is totally WORTH IT.

This also goes out to all who have yet to add me on Facebook: ADD ME NOW!

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Tuesday, October 02, 2007 / 11:09 PM
wise up

It has been a tumultuous week and i shudder to think of the road ahead of me. I've never cried so much and felt so much pain and anger ever since the o levels, and i guess this was a wake-up call for my complacent and stupid self.

Strictly speaking, i failed Econs, Math and GP. How sucky can things get? Failing GP= DYING. And i just couldnt help it but to cry after i saw my essay score because it was the LOWEST i have ever gotten. It was plain revolting and upsetting. I was expecting myself to not do that well for essay but in my wildest dreams i had never expected the score to be THIS bad. I just cant control myself and just cried in LT5. My tutor was just in front of me, trying to find out what happened and tried to comfort me a little. But hey man, i'm still immensely shocked and overwhelmed, and i just hated myself so much for not writing a good essay and scoring such ghastly marks. I'm angry and upset!

But after what my tutor and brothers said to me, i shouldn't be weighed down by the prelims and the kind of results i have gotten. I should now focus on how to improve my game and get a much better grade at the A levels! I was crying so hard and feeling so terrible because i didn't read up on my content. I had superficial examples. All based on Singapore. How screwed can i get? I should be so lucky that i hadn't got let off with a single-digit score. But still it sucks to fail, especially a subject like GP that i didn't use to have so much problems with. Man, i feel really helpless and alone.

It sucks to fight the demons by yourself.

And i have learnt a valuable lesson in this 2 weeks, and that your friends around you may not exactly be there for you whenever you need help or simply comfort. People around me are okay, sometimes funny sometimes silly. I've never had much grouches. They are okay, but maybe they treat me as an arm-length kind of friend, so the relationship was not strong and close enough. A friend enlightened me when i complained about the lack of support i'm receiving from my friends: Treat it as a life lesson. It is at this point in time that you now who are the ones who truly care for you and will be always ready to help you, versus those who merely stick around you for gains and scatter when you ask for any help. It was a worthy life lesson learned. And i thank my friend who so succinctly analysed my problem and gave me practical and valuable advice. That really picked me up after such a bad and down day. This event most certainly served as a fantastic filtering system.

Really tired now. Lessons everyday. I am just beat. And my eyes are so dry. Have been dozing off the entire day majority of the day. Just tired and beat.

Gotta go. Just exhausted.zzzZZzZz

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All the love in the world, dear John