Wednesday, April 28, 2010 / 12:21 PM

I am super envious of fishsoup and mr camera. They have such a love that is so strong and so pure, and nothing can stand in their way. Not even distance, lack of time, difference in time. I am proud that they are my friends :) Super happy and glad for them!


How nice it is to like someone and have them like you back, to want to do things together, to have the same perspective or at least complementing values and outlooks, and to be able to be right for each other? To always be the other half, being just right there and everything seems so fabulous and just perfect. Even if you quarrel and get irritated with each other, at the end of the day you guys always talk it out and make up. A kiss, a cuddle, a touch.

Even if there would be problems, you know this man would stand on your side and help make things so much better. When you are down and feeling like crap, this man would lift you up and inject life in you. Feelings of happiness gets doubled or even tripled when you share it with him. And you know it would be the other way around from you to him too.

You, me, us.

500 days of summer. Haha now that is one movie i kind of liked.

And then you wonder if he is just a boy. Or you are too much of a girl to begin with.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010 / 7:32 AM
liar liar

I do realise people like to lie. We tell lies for some reasons, a lot of reasons, for no reason. We lie because we want to tell a white lie, we want to protect someone, we want to prevent someone from being hurt, so we lie. Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves, to retain some dignity or to conceal some information that we don't feel comfortable telling people about it. We lie to fit in, we lie to stay out.

So when can we stop lying? The Invention of Lying is really miraculous.

Maybe one day some strange epidemic happens and we all wake up, realising that we cannot lie anymore. Everytime we tell a lie we get a very big physical reaction, like a huge sneeze or our stomachs balloon. So everyone knows you are lying.

But that won't be too good. Because you cannot protect yourself anymore.

Ahh. So we should all be allowed to lie.

The boy who cried wolf.
Liar liar, i hate you.
I don't believe you anymore.

Monday, April 26, 2010 / 9:18 AM
mad from studying



/ 1:04 AM
Let's Go Shopping!

You walk into a store, wanting to get a pair of shoes, maybe a bag and say a set of accessories. You go through the racks, the shelves, the boxes and sometimes the sale section, wanting to find the things that you want.
So there you have it, the store is nicely stocked in colours and they have the sizes you want.
Browsing and looking, you found this pair of heels that are in your favourite colour and design.
Of course, you asked the saleslady for your size and voila, she has it!
Happily, you decided to buy it and asks her to leave it at the counter. So there you have your shoes.

Bags, hmm now which one should you get?
Everything looks so splendid you wish you can have them all, but you cannot really afford all of them even though you want to. But you really wish you could!
So you see this purple Balenciaga that you love, and lovingly running your hands all over it and smelling the leather. You think this is the best already, and you cannot be more than contented with it that you so seriously want to buy it NOW.
Then you decide to really buy it. So you carry the bag with you as you walk around the store, thinking that you would look for the accessories.

You see a Miu Miu satchel perched at the top of a shelf.
It shimmers in the lights of the store, with a haunting quality that enthralls you, pulling you closer to it as you walk towards that glorious leather satchel.
You look up at it, wondering why the hell did this satchel pop up from no where and caught your eye when you have already decided on the Balenciaga!
So you wonder which one should you get because well, the heart is strong but the pocket is weak.
And then you try to compare if you should get the Miu Miu or the Balenciaga. But both seem so fab!
The Miu Miu is in cream, while the Bal is in purple. Purple is a nicer colour right, won't get dirty that fast so you don't have to be extra careful when you use the bag or what ever. But cream is easier to match clothes! And its pretty too. So how?

Then the saleslady stares at you as you conduct your cost benefit analysis, trying to make a decision about it.
The other shoppers gaze longingly at both bags that you have, and cannot wait for you to drop one of it so well, they can buy it.

But you still have to get your accessories! So much things to do so little time.
Best solution for now is to carry both the Bal and the Miu Miu and walk around the store a little bit longer, hoping that your mind will give you an answer.

So you head to the accessories section, and you are dazzled by everything.
Pearls, diamonds, scarves, shades, earrings, rubies, lace...
So you decide to get a pair of cute earrings, some bangles, some necklaces, rings, badges and perhaps a bottle of red nail varnish.
Everything is quite nice and the price is cheaper than you thought, so yeah can buy some more!
You take this pretty little basket and start to throw all your selections inside, happy that you finally are getting some accessories. Nice and lovely stuff to wear!

After settling the accessories and the shoes, you are once again jolted back to the choice between the bags. So the cream or the purple?

Which one?

Friday, April 23, 2010 / 10:54 AM

bet you don't know what the heck i am typing here. i forgot already!

Thursday, April 22, 2010 / 10:09 AM
pay some attention

Why is it when someone is feeling down or depressed and in need of company, we always fail to notice and step in, until something really bad really happens?

I was just looking through and i realised that this girl named Phoebe Prince hanged herself because she was bullied in school, being called names and even pushed into lockers, with some even leaving her facebook wall posts asking her to go and die. And there, she did. She was dead on 15 April.

So i wonder if it helps if we all follow our intuition sometimes, and even a text message or a fb wall post or email and msn or skype conversations all come in to become a support network, a preventive measure and definitely a helping hand to someone who is really feeling down.

Sometimes we are all too concerned for ourselves, too preoccupied with our own pursuits that we become blind sided, failing to notice the small things that could make big changes. It doesn't take a lot to text someone, saying things like hey how are you?. Even though it may be extremely cliched and well, tacky and sometimes people might take it to be superficial, but the sheer thought that someone remembers you and even bothers to message you goes a long way, meaning someone cares. It's definitely better than being satisfied with the thought that ahh he/she will understand since we have known each other for so long there really is no need to pay so much attention to him/her.

Fair enough if you think that your friend/lover/family is a strong person. But please, take some time off today and pay some attention. We all live with a role to play, be it the mother, the employee, the smart student who has it all, the nerd, the valedictorian, the athlete, the boyfriend, the girlfriend, the best friend, the father, the wife, the husband, the student, the friend. There are so many roles to adhere to, and sometimes we perform these roles without the individuality that rightfully belongs to all of us.

But really, humans all need love and attention. No matter how long you have known them for.

And may i reiterate that when someone is feeling a slight tinge of unhappiness, be it losing a pen, or accidentally bleaching clothes, there is often a downward spiral, that these emotions become magnified as these people think about the unhappiness and negativity that surround them that they essentially become cooped up in a bubble of sadness. Then this bubble becomes a strong life state of unhappiness that derails the person, be it for an hour, a day or a week. So, pay some attention before it's too late, my friends.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010 / 11:23 AM

and you never know when it happens
like the smell of the july summer rain
touch of an angel, lips so soft
we hug, we sing, we laugh,
with all the joy

Tuesday, April 20, 2010 / 10:04 AM

Exam is tomorrow but i am studying for it as if it is for next month. Haha what fun.




going siao already. feel like slacking. 50%. omg.

Monday, April 19, 2010 / 3:24 AM

umbrellas for sale!
knuckles as steel!
only cost a life!

Well i guess i sometimes trust people too easily, thinking that they would reciprocate me the way i hope or expect them to. It's silly how old-fashioned my thinking can be.

It's raining here again. Heavens crying for somebody.

Very cold afternoon, trying to get my laundry down but somehow someone is always using the washing machine. Pissed. I wanna wash my bag of clothes! Research paper due Monday, which is tomorrow, and exam on Tuesday morning. Ba ba boom!

And yes i worry if i may return and feel awkward, having been displaced and detached for quite some time. These are not unfounded worries.

Some people claim to be there for you no matter what, and that the feelings will never change. Let me just helpfully remind you that such things only happen in the movies or anything that is scripted and filmed. Goffman's role theory okay. So whenever people tell you such things remember, DON'T BELIEVE THEM TOO EASILY. That's why we love to watch Korean/ Taiwanese/ Japanese dramas, in particular idol dramas, so that we can fulfill our desires for such things to happen to us.

But i still love to indulge in these dramas, just watching and making myself laugh and swoon over how cute handsome hot sweet these guys are :)

All right, rainy day at my table with a good cup of milk tea. Let's go baby.

Saturday, April 17, 2010 / 1:31 PM
oh cool this is such fun thanks

Yes it's true i learn about people every day. Things that they say and do are pretty interesting. And although emotions have been riled up, i am at peace with things for now.

You can never know if that smiling face conceals a danger you almost fail to detect through the naturalised superficiality. Hohohum. Poaching, prying are merely ways to add laurels to themselves. To make themselves seem ahead of the crowd, to be the firsts. Or in a way to boost their meager confidence with the toss of a look from the in crowd. Or smile awkwardly and gesture in a way that they think would make them special.

In any case, you should start loving yourself and respect others.

Every single thing that you toss to the wind, listen and not just hear. Even if you have to exercise caution, do so in a wise manner. Don't expose yourself too much to the elements and get a nasty burn or a horrid infection.

Wear insect repellent.
Put sun block.
Wear tough hiking boots.
Bring a knife.

If you need, bring your prayer beads, or whatever sacred items that you need spiritual boosts to. All's fine, the weather is fine, the clouds are even so pretty that you think they form shapes like unicorns and smiley faces.

But wait till you get enthralled by that pretty flower by the cliff. You reach, with a steadfast intent, and fall to your death, crushed and broken into pieces, almost an instant that you wish you hadn't fell, with the last remaining thoughts echoing the words why?

Don't assume too much, don't be too confident, don't pay attention to naysayers.

Believe, even though faith is weak in this new century. Learn to accept the elements, thinking that someday things would change. Bring some happiness along with you.

Or best, get some shut eye and shut the rest of the world outside. Protect yourself. It's a jungle out there.

Honestly, you are not worth the attention. I get the creeps. Or maybe the insect repellent wasn't too strong. Maybe it has expired. Gotta check the bottom of the bottle again. Maybe it was the wrong brand. Damn should have checked clearly before i bought it. But it was on sale. Oh never mind.

Fun house, it is.

and we go on with our lives

Friday, April 16, 2010 / 2:46 PM

Never trust people too much, or think that you know them well to be friends. Takes only a split second for them to turn around and put a knife through your heart. Always trust your instincts and protect yourself. In any case, run.

Had my first exam today and i must say it wasn't too good. First time i felt so despondent for exams and i felt really down because of it. But crying and eating ice cream helped to dispel some of that unhappiness, and now i am back with a vengeance.

/ 6:15 AM

Just had my worst exam ever. Gahh i hate it! No more repetition of what happened today!

/ 12:19 AM
it's just a ride

It is true that the capitalists are all lying to us. Hard work does not necessarily grant you success or rewards!

But this is okay.

First exam in McGill in 1 hour! Not entirely prepared but i guess i will just go in and enjoy doing the paper :P Afterall, it's just a ride, it's just a ride. It's gonna be a funhouse.

So off i go while i attempt my first exam. Just going to do my best, don't worry about the rest, no worries about anything else.


Thursday, April 15, 2010 / 1:46 AM

That's my grumpy face as i study for the course that i am having an exam on tmr. And i just woke up from a nap.

Awww study study is all i do. Oh my i wanna have fun too :) Tmr jiayou!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010 / 8:10 AM
for the periwinkles

for the periwinkles, the tulips and the vast skies

what do you live for?
what intrigues you?
what matters most?

what is the worst thing you have done?

what is one thing you wish you could have done today?

do you live, or do you exist?

do you yearn for something?

have you every fought for what you had wanted?

hello my friends :)

Well i am in McLennan/Redpath library studying now alone. Wow there are loads of McGill students here in the library, not that surprising since the exams start this Thursday! Wish i had planned my courses more wisely, because some of my friends are actually FREE now and they don't have finals. WAH LAO EH.

Seriously, "damn stressed" is used so repetitively that i don't know what to say when people ask me how i am doing already. I know some people would say that i am on exchange and i should just aim to pass, but hey, it's not easy to just aim to pass you know? When you are used to trying your best for your scores and working consistently, then suddenly you are expected to just pass and you slack and slow down, it gets really really frightening. Like you fall into a state of panic and you don't necessarily know what to do and there really isn't anyone who you can talk to about this. Other people might think that i am just being too mugger and too stressed out, but really, if you are in my position right now and seeing the amount of things i have to READ and REMEMBER and internalise, this is just plain shitty.

Of course, i could blame someone for my predicament, lamenting the fact that no one stopped me when i said i wanted to take FIVE LEVEL 3000 SOCIOLOGY MODULES all at one go. I mean, what the hell was i thinking? I was just too ambitious and too naive, thinking that it will be a breeze through them all since i was just expected to PASS. Now, in retrospect, SEP WAS MEANT TO SLACK SO WHY DID I TAKE SUCH INTENSIVE COURSES?

Haha all the "what ifs" are popping up in my head now.

Gosh i typed so much today that my fingers and fingertips actually hurt. I quite like the sound of typing on my laptop and at the school keyboards. Makes me feel like i am channeling my intellect into tiny alphabets that make up words and gradually build into sentences and paragraphs, culminating in pages.

And yes i cannot wait for the exams to be over yet i dread its arrival.

Oh well, just wanted to type an entry since i have been typing the whole day already. Intensive studying for this week for one paper on Thursday, then another on Tuesday. Gawd!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010 / 10:23 AM

I cannot stand trying to understand you. You are so hard to be figured out. Sometimes i get so sick of trying to know what you are thinking. Are we even friends? Like i treat you as my really good friend but look at your idiotic response. How am i supposed to react? I feel so stupid, do you know that? It's like i am trying so hard but all i get are curt replies and you don't seem to care. Do you even bother about me? Why do i have to try to get your friendship? I am sure i am just another tool for you to step ahead and you only need me when i can contribute to your popularity or i can help you out or something. I don't know what to think of you anymore.

Sorry just had to vent a tiny paragraph. Haha. I don't have to be so disturbed.

Anyway i had a productive time studying in school today. Quite not bad. Feels good to study in school instead of at home. Love the lights there. Feels so much more studious instead of being cooped up at home lah.

Walked home after dinner with SY, had lovely salted fish and chicken strips fried rice at Chinatown. Loveeed it! And as i was walking i was breathing in deeply. The air here is so clear, so flavourless. Like there is just cold crisp air. Singapore air smells a lot nicer. Haha a mixture of pollutants, humidity and home. Awwwww i hate being homesick! But i guess it's only temporary. It's just the exams that are getting to me, and i still have 1 more research paper to do! DAMNNNNN :| First exam is this Thursday, and i have not fully begun. Think i will start tmr. Still gotta plan my research paper and start typing it soon. Start tmr too!

And i think i will enjoy SEP more when the exams are all over and the travelling starts. Whoo love to see the world. And just go everywhere and be everywhere as much as i can, enjoying the wanderlust that i am entitled to, for now.

Cheers Shuli! FIGHTING :)

/ 6:06 AM
so far on sep

Just wanted to type out a post as i am studying at Bronfman building, the Desautel School of Management. Realised that the angmohs here can sound really superficial, with their high pitched HIIIIIIII! and HOW ARE YOUUU!! I mean seriously, i can totally tell that was patronising and not even genuine can. Like eww. And i hate it when they look at me up and down as if i was some alien and I AM NOT FROM FRIGGING CHINA OKAY! JUST BECAUSE I AM ASIAN DOES NOT MEAN I AM FROM CHINA! DON'T INSULT ME LIKE THAT!!!


Random drops of tears along with the mounting frustration i have for school. Seriously, what the hell was i thinking when i took five level 3000 modules here? How come no one slapped me and told me anything, that what i am doing is well, CRAZY? Some people helped, but not very helpful. Gawd this is madness. Haha.

I absolutely cannot wait for the semester to end like NOW. I don't want my exchange to be marred by the perils of studying last minute anyway. I mean, this is not what i come to exchange for! Exchange is a point of my life, interesting and independent. Why let academics come in between having fun and living my life? I mean, all the way to Montreal, i have to make the fullest out of this :) DAMN YOU DON'T YOU BRING ME DOWN.

Whooo cannot wait to wear my shorts that i bought the other day. USA!!

Friday, April 09, 2010 / 2:52 PM
i want sugar

i want cupcakes
because eating cupcakes make me feel really filled with happiness
and there is SUGAR so i get a high
can i have pretty cupcakes to eat please?

Sometimes it's so hard to listen when all you hear is someone saying "I understand" and "you can do it" and "very easy one lah". I think i am being sensitive, but sometimes when someone is really very stressed or depressed, saying those cliched sentences and generic encouragements sound really not that motivating.

I know that these people mean well, and some of them take pity on me, or some are just saying it while gloating over my "misfortune", but the point that i am trying to make here is that when you really want to encourage someone, say it from your heart so that it becomes so powerful that the recipient feels it.

Guess it's just the imbalance of hormones due to my severe stress levels recently that has been compounded by the concomitants of PROCRASTINATION. Truly, it's an evil evil thing that we condone all the time and yet when there is a call to eradicate it we are filled with inertia.

Two more research papers, 10 pages and 12 pages each, and the revision for the exams. Not a pretty sight, but i gotta get my act together!


Thursday, April 08, 2010 / 1:03 PM
a walk in the park

spring is here

Just took a walk around my neighbourhood today after class. Cannot believe i managed to churn out a paper just like that. 10 pages worth of research paper. In 2 nights! Whoa and i fell asleep at the dining table and woke up with such severe leg cramps that i had to let the blood flow again before i flung myself onto my bed. Then woke up in a few hours to complete the paper. Never was i this rushed in churning out a research paper before. Damn!

Love quiet walks by myself, like those pictures show. Private time with myself, without having to smile nor talk, just spending time alone at some random bench in a park. Just watching the world go by and not have to give a hoot about people's opinions or thoughts. Just being at one with the surroundings.

SEP is not as simple as everyone speaks of. I mean, it also depends on which school you choose to go. Some universities are slacker than NUS, so it makes the whole experience fun and easy. Some others are simply a little bit more competitive and you really have to be on the ball in order to keep afloat. So don't think that just going on SEP is fun and there is no need to study. Be smart in choosing my friends.

1 more month and i will leave Canada. Gosh, mixed feelings. But nonetheless i feel super hopeful to return to Singapore and be with my friends and family again. I love to be in my comfort zone. This has to be the longest time that i am out of it already.

And after today it will be a mindless rush to finish essays and revision, since my first exam is next Thursday! I cannot believe it. HAHAHHAHA.


Monday, April 05, 2010 / 5:24 AM
hot day in montreal

Terribly warm day at home. Woke up at 1.18pm after a long night of movie, great food and awesome company. Came back from Quebec City last night, and that was very well my 3rd time there in this whole SEP. Haha loved the Hilton Hotel we stayed in. Nice room and view too! And we got to drive around with our car that was rented. Loved the picnic we had at some random stopover place on route to Quebec City. Lovely food prepared by Ping!

The waterfalls was nothing much, took some photos and headed to Manor Montmorency for a short break. Then we headed back to Montreal and went to S's place for a great feast. Haha it was an orgasmic experience because P can really cook great Thai food! Loved it every time he cooks because he is so so so good at cooking!

Anyway the house was terribly warm today, stuffy and well super uncomfortable to breathe. I opened the door and all i got was still air. So i forced up the windows and now i finally have fresh air and cool breeze! WHOOOO but that was after i almost killed myself while trying to push up the window. Haha.

Working on my paper now. Too much procrastination and now i have to churn out some bullshit that sounds intellectual. GAWDDDDDDDDDDD. This is so damn bad hahhahaa. I wished i could do this sep in a different way, which is to STUDY CONSISTENTLY and achieve better results than what i am doing now. Seriously i am just slacking and passing time off here. NOT GOOD but well, what can i do now right? Got to make the best out of these remaining few weeks and pass my exams.

Awww, i wanna go back to Singapore already :P

Friday, April 02, 2010 / 4:24 AM

So far things have been fine, but i am just damn in need of typing an entry up. This world is getting so warped up in a state of competition, a state of anxiety and speed that nothing else is clear anymore. We refuse to wait, to compromise, to endure.

Or at times you feel that you have been ushered into a path that somehow you know is wrong but because everyone else expects you to. Sometimes i wish i could assert myself more, but within a small social milieu the options are severely restricted. Not even attractive to one. Doing things that i wish i don't have to do and just want to be able to choose what i want. To be comfortable and stop feeling so inferior and displaced.

What kind of shitty feeling is this?

And this homesickness is killing me. Looking at McGill and Montreal just makes me wanna go back to Singapore now. I know that there are just only a few more days left, but hey that's a lot of days going on now. I am so super sick of everything now. I so don't mind going back to Singapore like NOWWWWWW.

Seeing the professor makes me feel like shit. Don't know what the shit he is teaching. TA is not even here!

Argh i am emo girl.

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musings of a superhero girl
All the love in the world, dear John