Thursday, February 21, 2008 / 11:10 AM

I am starting to get irritated. I feel an immense need to write about something, but right now nothing seems to come through. Sitting at my desk, i ponder what am i going to do when i go for lessons later. It is starting to drain me out as i try to struggle to eep my head above waters.

I find that it is pretty hard to get adjusted to the working world, although i am not really considered a working adult just yet. Many things require my attention. Everyone needs help. Nobody understands, yet they all pretend to look really concerned but in fact they just cannot wait for you to get as far away from them as possible.

Office politics you say? No. In my view, i think it is more like a form of "survival of the fittest" and "natural selection". Office politics is an understatement.

While residing in this concrete jungle, i have learnt more about life than being in a pretty glasshouse with everything prepared for me. I am not a lovely and pretty potted plant, always waiting for people to help me out and am always so weak and vulnerable. I have a strong character, sometimes being so blunt that i offend people right away. I cannot pretend to be a sweet and adorable girl, using an embroided silk handkerchief and always carrying some frilly umbrella. I am not one who lowers down herself to try to make others happy. I may do that initially, but my conscience will always get the better of me. I try to stay logical, but that makes me stick out like a sore thumb at times. I think reality, practicality and efficiency, but there are others out there who dream of unicorns and candy-coated clouds. We cannot click. I cannot bear to coo over the latest trends with some because we are simply not of the same frequency.

I am a person of extremes. I can be super romantic and giggly, but i can also turn into one mean bitch. I hate to play by the rules but adore playing by the ear. I like spontaneity, impromptu, excitement, novelty. It is no fun just sticking to the script that was prepared way beforehand and then being all that was expected. Why do we have to be products from a cookie-cutter? There is no need to be prim and proper all the time. Sometimes, it is all right to have a little fun and to break a little rules.

People need to have COMMON SENSE, something that many people lack and seems to have a serious defiency of. Learn to look at other people's body language and facial expressions. Don't always assume that whatever you are saying or doing is nice. Be more tactful. I am trying really hard to do that, even though i may be too straightforward from time to time. It is extremely disgusting when you are doing your own thing but so affecting others negatively. Shut up and fuck off.

Some individuals just need some attention, but stop trying to get unwanted attention. Understand the deep need that some people have to try to get people to like them, but too much of a good thing becomes really bad. Stop trying to suck up, or praising others just to get into their good books. More of this excessive showyness and you become one very much loathed person.

I guess that there is nothing that can truly satisfy one in this world. There will always be imperfections and complaints. A flaw somewhere. Why can't i just look beyond these flaws and choose to focus on the positives? It is tough, especially as you get older. Even now, i am slowly losing faith.

Really tired. Sick of being so superficial to myself and not addressing my problems properly. Feel my eye-lids drooping.

Tired about beating around the bush. Till then.

Sunday, February 17, 2008 / 10:52 PM
chingay 2008

Singapore Soka Association (SSA) once again proved its prowess and lived up to expectations!
We performed with all our efforts and smiled with our hearts, and it was a GREAT success!
Kudos to one and all in Chingay!

some pictures Coral C took after the whole parade ended.

the whale float of SSA!
the obs float

us at the post chingay party at city hall. it was a great night out!


Thursday, February 14, 2008 / 9:25 AM
a sense of regret

You know the usual saying, something that goes along the lines of you only realise something is important after you lose it. I had that similar feeling today. It seems like art imitates life in certain ways.

I was told to give up one of my classes, the class that i enjoyed teaching the most and they are the reason why i am perservering in this job. They are the tiramisus and souffles that i look forward to see everyday, because they are so sweet and so attentive that makes you feel that all your hard work is worth it. They really appreciate me and it is always so pleasant to step into their class. If i have had a hard day, i just brighten up when i see them. In short, they are my favourite students.

But now i am on the verge of tears, because i am faced with the prospect of losing them forever. No, this has already been confirmed and i AM no longer teaching them soon. It is just that class that they have to take. You know how terrible that feels? That dullness keeps running through my head and it sucks whenever i think about that. Some old adages never fail to materialise. It feels as if someone had just gave me a slap across my face. Everything was going on fine, and now there has to have some interruption. We were just getting to know each other better, but now the whole connection is smashed and i just cannot believe it.

I still have a few more lessons with them before i have to break the news to them. Honestly, i am pretty afraid that i may cry. Getting emotional in front of 40 students who trust and have gotten used to me is the last thing i want to leave them with. I don't know what will their reaction be like, and i don't want to think about it. I just cannot get over the fact that i lost them just like that. A single decision can have such a destructive nature that i shiver at that thought.

Guess i shall try to reconcile my feelings and face the students as naturally as possible. I shan't think of how am i going to live with the other classes, and i presume that i should stock up on tranquilisers and perhaps anti-depressants. It is so revolting when you put in so much time and effort into something and your students just crush everything with a single comment like "that is so boring" or they just carry on with their incessant chatterings.

I just cried. At my desk.I really hate to lose them.

But there is nothing i can do at this point of time. Management's decision overrules everything. I am just a tiny teacher in this school. I'm dispensable.

Sigh. I don't feel like going to class today anymore. No strength to face the class, the one with the most problems and just send dark clouds over my blue skies. I wish i could look past their flaws many a times, but sometimes they just get on my nerves.

Now i am reconsidering the prospect of being a teacher. It only hurts too much to let go when you are just getting on well with them.

And for today, i shall try to survive.

Thursday, February 07, 2008 / 2:06 AM

Realised that ever since i started working, i have been updating my blog less frequently. Guess its the lethargy and exhaustion when i reach home everyday that causes me to lose some attachment to technology. In any case, i've had a hard day today, cos Ben and Anna were at it again and i had to help them out. Whatever. So sick of their fights and shouting.

Nevertheless, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR to everyone! All of us should take this time to rest and recharge, but go easy on the bak kwah, yusheng and all sorts of keropok and of course, BEER. I gotta watch my weight, after seeing how i gorged down $8 worth of beef and all sorts of funny nonsense. HAHAHA. Eating is a good way to de-stress. Having steamboat is exciting, and it makes cooking seem fun.

Hope that i can have a really peaceful and jovial new year collecting ang paos, meeting up with friends and having a good time. Anything nasty or unpleasant can wait. What can be more important than living a good and meaningful life? So i shall try to enjoy my CNY despite the tears and fears, then face them later.

I guess i will also be meddling with origami this weekend and trying to sort out my clothes and clean up my room. Busy busy!



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All the love in the world, dear John