Saturday, February 28, 2009 / 12:21 AM

I try to make things better. I don't take it to heart with regards to the mean things you say to me. Time and time again i make myself bury the hatchet and remain friends with you. BUT TIME AND TIME AGAIN YOU LET ME DOWN!


I treasure you as my friend that is why i always try to reconcile our friendship. I always see beyond your flaws and choose to focus on the good points. What have you done so far? NOTHING! You COMPLAIN about how i am NOT doing enough, not being a friend enough, CHASTISE me for every single thing that i undertake with passion.

I thought we were friends. I THOUGHT WRONG!

For so long i have kept peace, to maintain the balance and resume cordiality and all. But i don't even get a friggin ounce of RESPECT from you. Just like toilet paper u only use me once and THROW AWAY. Like some substitute! WORTHLESS JUNK!

I just cannot believe you are like this. I am really pissed off and disgusted. Damn.

Go on! Keep yourself thinking that you are RIGHT! That you are always of a moral high ground!


You don't understand me. You never put yourself in my shoes. So why do i still treat you as my friend? Is it worth it?

You lost me at your antics.

Friday, February 27, 2009 / 2:40 AM

run baby run
don't ever look back

/ 1:30 AM
words and people

Sometimes i guess heated exchanges are inevitable. But personally, i have a phobia of people shouting at each other, even if it is just for jest. Or even just talking slightly above the normal volume that people talk. It propels me into a start.

People just have their ways to communicate with people. Like how do you try to talk to someone you don't really like, for some particular reason? Of course, the situation is usually because of some project, gathering or whatever circumstance that need be to warrant a need to talk to that person you dislike. How do you conceal your hatred and disgust and yet carry on with a nice conversation?

Or when you have a major dissent you want to put forth yet don't want to look like you are too demanding or forthcoming? There is a certain level of security from people that you want to maintain, so what will happen to that level when you voice out?

Actions are louder than words. Hmm. I wonder if we all can agree to that.

So i wish i had the power to turn on the antenna within me and hear as and when i want when a person is speaking and what he or she is really thinking. To be able to hear his inner thoughts and then be able to do things a different way. But then again it is easy to go crazy while trying to listen out for everyone and trying to please everyone. In the end, you just end up fried and burnt.

And i loathe how i always have to be favoured in order to do something substantial. As if i am one of the concubines seeking the attention of the Emperor, while trying to elbow another concubine out of the picture. Nonetheless, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

I get tired, and i need a break too.

So watching Britney:for the record was a salient point of turn. I had no idea her life was such a horror, always having to dodge from paparazzi who disturb her life and make her a prisoner of her own fame. It really shows the down side to the glamourous life that most people think celebs lead, but heck, it all boils down to head shaving and DUI.

I pity Britney for the fact that she let the situation take control of her life. She also said that she was sorry for herself that she had let so many people come into her life and take advantage of her. She lives her life like a karate kid.

Perhaps i should emulate her way of thinking. To stay amidst all the tribulations a happy and positive person as much as i can. To not focus so hard on the results but rather the satisfaction and the amount of effort invested. To not be so conscious and wary all the time.

And at this point, i am physically and mentally exhausted. With days ending at 3am, i wonder how much damage am i doing to myself. And i wish people would stop demanding so much from me. As much as i want to help and be useful, there is only so much that i can do. Really hate how some things are going on right now.

I most certainly hope that i won't lose my mind.

Sunday, February 22, 2009 / 1:42 PM

I wanna be her sometimes.
Behind the glitz and glamour that entail, behind every manicured finger and glossed lip, there should lie a story. A story no one knows and perhaps have no inkling to know either.

Of course, some say it isn't that hard to be like her. Put on some makeup, change the contact lenses and do up your hair. Simple and sweet. But it really isn't like that. Internal inequalities are so sickening.

Sigh sigh sigh.

So many things i wanna do, so helpless to achieve them.

Saturday, February 21, 2009 / 1:27 AM

I am afraid of how relationships are so volatile. Like there is no right way to treat every single person, and sometimes i recoil in fear and uncertainty. Then again, there are just some people who never fail to put a smile on my face. Always.

So if you ever feel that people let you down or make you really tired, take a break, walk away from it all and indulge in something that you like. Too much denial and repression is no good.

Chill, and be cool.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 / 1:39 AM


/ 12:50 AM

Well i cannot help but to sound really emotional. I guess i may just be the next Sensitive New Age Girl. I am tired, exhausted and frightened and cold.

Sometimes i harbour such beautiful thoughts and expectations, hoping that they will materialise and perhaps brighten up my world a little. But when expectations always fall short or you do not get the desired outcome, i choose to shut off. To stave away from further disappointments and sadness and just be alone for a minute.

And sometimes in this one minute i get highly insecure and afraid.

Am loving :D

Nice t shirts. Nice poems. Good to see quality words on American Apparel clothes and thanks to them for churning out such fab stuff. That cheers me up, although the price tag is a tad too pricey. Heh heh. Still, i support them and have bought one tshirt from them already!

hang in there Shuli!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009 / 2:35 AM
winding lane

suddenly i see
there's gotta be more to life

driving down the winding lane, having no purpose nor destination.
letting the wheels take me to where i will end up.
looking as the view passes by in a flash.
not paying attention to what has gone past.

i take a deep breath, and feel the world's weight against my chest.
then i stop the car, and get on my feet.
suddenly i smell the flowers, so different from exhaust.
i hear, feel, smell, touch, taste.

like a little baby that has just come into the world
everything expands and magnifies in interest
I learn to love and to cherish
and hope others will do so too.

Thursday, February 12, 2009 / 4:54 PM
blah life

Funny how it seems that some people react to certain things. And i am not going to resort to posting nude pictures of me or creating tension by commenting on certain issues so as to attract more people to view my blog. I guess it is also good that my blog is relatively off the radar so not many people will read it anyway.

Hmm. So what is the point in putting up a blog when no one reads it anyway?

Well i enjoy typing. It is a different kind of feeling typing and writing my diary. I still write my diary, and it is kept nicely in one of my drawers.

Typing just feels different. A different kind of persona, a different sound, a different texture and a different feeling. Somehow writing has become an enjoyment more than a chore. But of course, term papers are another matter altogether.

Listening to the song Honey and the Moon. A kind of feeling that i would like to have for life. People that came too soon, people who never appear. Occurrences that shakes one out of their comfort zone. It feels as if there has to be more than life than just the simple going through of daily activities and all, making sure one is in and not out. Not losing track of oneself and not going into a downward spiral.

It is as if there is a need to stay sane all the time. We have to operate within moral boundaries and never flout the rules. Why can't we all just run away, tonight?

Talk as if you have the ears of everyone. Sing as if you are the superstar. Dance like you are the dancing queen. Write like there is no tomorrow.

Of course, such incoherence can be attributed to the extreme heat or the endless drudgery. Ain't that difficult to become the bowler man, but no one bothers when you suddenly disappear from the face of the earth.

And thus i continue to ramble.

There are too many things in this life that i want to do and wish i have done. But sadly there are always restraints. I am not allowed this and not permitted that. I mustn't do this because there could be repercussions of the negative kind. Such a waste to always turn, and look behind and faltering in the chosen path.

When i was young i wished i was a movie star or a superstar. Someone who could dress up in pretty clothes, wear nice makeup, be another character, live out a dream, travel to places, meet new people and new experiences. The privileges and the glamour, and the perks and all of having to be able to be someone loved and wanted by all. To be able to act in movies and live out another character in clothes, behaviour and all. Touch everyone with my acting or singing and then be able to make a difference.

But of course such dreams perish with the onset of maturity and puberty. Just like how so many kids fail to hear the ring of the bell and no one believes in Santa Claus when they grow up. Everyone wants to be recognised and cherished and appreciated. But when such expectations fall short one needs an outlet to be able to channel out the angst and regret and unhappiness.


Hell man. I feel like a lunatic trying so hard not to tear apart my mask. Goodness, to all out there living with a facade due to circumstances i high five you.

Perhaps i am feeling so emo because i am listening to the OC soundtrack. Nothing uplifting at all.



Wednesday, February 11, 2009 / 12:03 AM

Sometimes you get so frustrated with things that you cannot change that you feel so stifled and so helpless. Someone's mistake that catches onto you and affects you in so many drastic ways.

I want to shout out loud, to pour out my frustrations and woes to someone who can be there for me and provide me comfort. But i cannot possibly tell that person everything about me! Privacy, pride loyalty... All these things come into play. How i wish to just say whatever i want and confide in people because i am bursting with unhappiness and helplessness!

There are some things that i cannot do to alter. Some things that cannot be ameliorated because i am insufficient to help. How can i make things better? I want to improve situations but HOW?


Though there are further things in life that one can lament about, i cannot help but feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulder. So many things happening, so little power.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009 / 12:59 AM

me after bike quest, with no sleep for the whole event.


But being busy has its own merits too. Makes you feel more alive and more involved. To always be around and participating in the action.

So i have been in sync.

Thinking about many things, unable to stop thinking about many things. Hmm. Some people stay in my mind, but i don't hear much from them. It's sad in a way. Like a flower that is waiting to blossom suddenly gets plucked out.

OK! Gotta trudge on. And keeping all the love for myself :D

Friday, February 06, 2009 / 2:41 AM

It has been quite a week. Going about in a flurry, running up loads of steps, trudging uphill and all sorts of mad dash.

I must say this is rather fulfilling, although it totally saps away the energy sometimes, leaving me really tired and rather lackluster in the mornings. But i guess this shapes character, and leaves me feeling more alive than ever. The constant motion keeps the machine working, with frequent oiling and all it gets better than ever. It lasts longer too.

Sunday, February 01, 2009 / 3:44 AM

Stanley Tookie Williams.
Redemption is a choice we can make, and he did it. And he did it with such fervour and persistence.

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musings of a superhero girl
All the love in the world, dear John