Wednesday, December 31, 2008 / 3:06 PM

Spent sunday at the beach with lovely people and had such a great time laughing and getting burnt. Look at my sun burn! It is such a striking shade of pink that catches people's attention. :(

And my very bruised hands from playing so much volleyball, so much so that my wrists still hurt now! GAHHHHH but at least i learnt the sport

And some pictures of the people. I must say that we really had a lot of fun laughing off our asses because everyone were being so lame and hilarious. Lots of hot bods and babes too.
With the lovely Pris who was as red as a cooked lobster at the end of the day! And she looked really cute with that headband.

LOVE THIS CLIP LOADS! Search for funny baby clip on youtube. So cute.

Monday, December 22, 2008 / 10:45 PM

I don't wanna go Love Actually this Christmas. It's just another season to me. Just another holiday and festive mood. Nothing much.

And i begin to wonder why.

Saturday, December 20, 2008 / 12:21 AM

I suddenly have this really depressing and morbid thought.

Seems like the virtual internet world is what most people prefer to stick to nowadays instead of a good call or text message to your friends. That really perturbs me.

And this leads me to wonder: Will any of my friends even know when i am DEAD?

Like when i don't come online for some time, didn't update my blog, didn't update my Facebook profile, will anyone care? Or would they just think that " OH SHULI AH, hiatus from technology lor."

Gawd. I shudder to think.

And i am pretty tired these days, possibly due to emotional stress all the time. Like how you try to make things right but somehow it comes back and slap you in the face for even trying. Duh.

My neck feels really stiff now. Kind of uncomfortable. And no one would ask if i was okay anyway.

OHHHHHH BOYYYYYY. Feeling pathetic at the moment.

I guess sometimes it just makes me sick of being the one who takes the initiative all the time, or when i do not get immediate response or reciprocated in the way i thought i would be. GAHH. Gets you down at times.

But it's totally cool to be alone at times. You get to get in touch with your inner self, spend some quality "ME" time and just relax! So good huh? Kind of Bella too.

It's just the kind of thing that happens with people. Relationships are never simple to begin with, and to start it off, humans are complex creatures.

I guess the main reason why i always reach out is due to what is within that is unsatisfying. Like a thirst waiting to be quenched.

And tonight i shall drown myself with stars and lullabies.

Friday, December 19, 2008 / 4:52 PM
falling sick

I finally feel stronger and better today to even sit in front of my laptop and do some updates. Not like anyone cares but oh well i do. Whatever then.

The past 2 days have been hellish. I don't know what happened to me but i felt really uncomfortable since Monday. Stuffy feeling in my chest and a queer feeling in my throat. Kind of ignored it and thought that i'll be better with more sleep and water. Caught Twillight with Samo and ate pretty much of junk food. I TOTALLY DEVOURED ONE THIRD OF A BOTTLE OF KIMCHI IN ONE NIGHT. Ate lots of spicy food in fact. Couldn't resist the temptation.

On Wed i had to go for an interview. After the interview i was already feeling super under the weather. So i headed down to WCP for some soup and rice and coke+ salt to make myself feel better. Thought of seeing the doctor but it only re-opens at 3pm so i drove home to take a nap first. Chatted with people online, went through my emails and then i couldn't take it anymore. It felt so terrible, and my whole body was aching and i felt so cold although the sun was blazing hot. So i left for the doc and bumped into my mom at the lift lobby so we went to clementi central tog. I went to see the doc and she went to get groceries.

I was shivering like mad at the doctor's and luckily there weren't too many patients so i didn't have to wait for long. Got my medicine and went to meet mom and drove back. Once i got home i flung myself to bed and took some medicine and commanded myself to sleep despite that my back felt really sore and my body was heating up.

Man it felt so disastrous. I took my temperature and it just kept going up everytime i take it! Evil. And the area i created on my bed with my body temperature is like an oven. If i took away the blanket, i feel cold. If i put it on, it gets burning hot. GRRRRRRRR. And i kept downing water and went to the toilet to flush out the toxins and all. And i had weird dreams that were surreal and out of the world. I cannot even recall what were my dreams. Then i had to lug myself out of the bed for dinner and every swallow of rice and soup is ultra painful to my throat. No appetite.

Then i lay on our leather couch and covered myself with shawls and sweaters and managed to perspire quite a bit. My eyes stang and my skin tingled. Then washed up and went to bed and i kept waking up the whole night. Sometimes i would wake up and the sky is still dark, sometimes you can hear cars moving and motorcycles gearing to go, and sometimes the sun is in your face.

Till now i am still recuperating. Trying hard to recover and rest more, although i don't really know what led to this bout of illness and extremely high fever. Freaked me out totally. Now i just feel weak and i cannot really talk without sounding raspy. And my nose is like an open tap. UGH I DON'T LIKE BEING SICK!

Honestly, being sick is the most terrible thing in the world. It beats falling out of love, getting lousy grades, becoming fat, losing hair, falling down, getting betrayed or neglected by friends or what so ever scenarios that you can figure.Health is of utmost importance. And family is something that stays with you for life, whether you like it or not. Friends and boyfriends may not necessarily stay for life, although there could possibly be exceptions.

I have an insane craving for tom yum soup, dark chocolates, truffles, Wagyu beef and steam boat right now~~~~~~~

and i totally need an overhaul right now.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008 / 1:39 PM

I am a terribly shy person who totally lacks the courage to do something adventurous. I see myself as someone who loves certainty and boundaries and rules. I function perfectly in my radius of morality and i enjoy fixed returns.

So when the time comes for something quite out of my expectations, i will retreat into my cave and shiver it out. Then i curl up into a fetal position and i squirm uncomfortably with such prospects. And if i feel a sense of rejection or exclusion i will expel myself from any situation i am in and immediately delve into my comfort zone.

And i know the above sounds almost contradictory. And some people may be smirking and also lambasting such choice of content. Oh well, life is full of contradictions and irony. So why bother so much?

Going to step out of my circle again.

Sunday, December 14, 2008 / 2:48 PM
life talk

I had a really great talk on Friday with a friend at Vivo. We had a really nice dinner and then proceeded to the open area to talk and catch up over ben and jerry's ice cream. It has been a while that i could talk to someone at this level since university started, and sometimes it's quite upsetting to not be able to find people who you can have a heart to heart talk with. Sometimes you just cannot click with that person no matter how much you wish you could. And sometimes you end up with a battered soul and a broken heart.

We talked about our futures, what were we supposed to major and all. Honestly, she was right. We are talking about this and planning and discussing BECAUSE we care and are concerned about our futures. There are people out there who do not seem to care much because they choose to take it as it comes or they already have a path meted for them. Sing, dance, eat, party... some people can just enjoy life because they do not have to worry about it at all. They have a strong family to fall back on and they know that they will be fine anyhow.

Sometimes i wonder how would it have been like if i had taken that path instead of this? Like if i was born in a different family how would i have turned out? Some people have it easy. They start 5 metres ahead of the starting line because they were born in influential and good families. Or they had some inherent talent that came with them and they are just better than others in so many ways. Having the upper hand, it is hard not to be condescending and self-righteous. At times, such talent makes them bossy, arrogant and blind. They choose to mix with a certain crowd to boost their popularity and confidence, while at the same time despise those who are not of the same category.

And then there are the underdogs, who strive hard for their academic results and do their best to survive and adapt to this unequal world. But of course there are hybrids, people who are not here nor there. They are a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

Confused? Angry? Betrayed? Upset?

Social inequalities will always be around no matter how much we champion for our rights. Nothing is ever fair, regardless of how we complain and moan about it. It just never will be. And then all our uncertainties and fears will never be confirmed until they are realised and manifested in consequences and results. As i was telling my friend, we are all like little boats in the sea. Vast and borderless sea. We go where the tides and waves and wind may push us to, but at the meantime we try to steer ourselves in the right direction. However, we see no land ahead of us for now, so we cannot be sure of where will we end up. So what we can really do now is to just go with the flow, and keep our sight on the goal, the goal that we hope for.

And while we all strive hard, sometimes it is essential to indulge in a form of escapism. Watching movies help to transcend us into a different world where there is a willing suspension of disbelief. Heroes are reverred, the good triumphs, lovers get reunited, the world is saved... such are typical of those who see the glass as half full.

To those who see the cup to be half empty, go watch Hotel Rwanda. Or some apocalyptic movie where everyone dies and lovers separate and the world is taken over by a mysterious force and BANG its gone.

I guess driving around helps too. Dancing, singing, running, eating, shopping... Do whatever it takes to make you happy without any dire consequences.

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.

(Barbara Hall, A Summons to New Orleans, 2000)

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Tuesday, December 09, 2008 / 2:07 AM
life in random thoughts

ugh i cannot be bothered.

I am tired emotionally, as if i have been on this tit for tat machine for too long. I cease to breathe, i get smothered.
When will we ever break out of this trap? When will we ever open up our eyes and see what lies beneath the veneer of a normal life? Is this what we were supposed to have come to life for?

Sometimes it takes a lot of courage and a little push in the right direction. And by right direction it means that it feels right to yourself and not to be judged with others' standards. Live instead of exist.

Have we not all thought of doing something crazy or extraordinary for once in our lives? To really just ignore the weird looks cast by the majority and just break free for once. Be it getting a tattoo, going away for a trip by yourself, taking up a job that others deem "no prospects" and just do what you want and what you like.

Somehow, that adventurous spirit gets hidden under the thick slabs of norms and expectations others impose on us, and these rules slowly become part of our lives as we allow them to be. We learn to conform, we learn not to break rules because we all want to be accepted and not rejected. We all have a little Jenny in us.

I don't know how is it going to be like for me, but i am most certainly part of the crowd. Somehow when a part of you gets slighted for too long, it fails to restart and dazzle. When you are constantly shoved away and denied, it gets taxing in the long haul.

Well, life is not really a box of chocolates. Nothing is dogmatic, especially sayings of the people. You know what you will get if you plan carefully and set out specific goals, but all you don't know is how things will turn out.

And sometimes, i have to stop looking high. To not think too much of myself and learn to accept faults, or areas that fail to meet my requirements. Not to be so fickle and picky too. But damn it is not easy. I cannot make up my mind. Fail to decide. Unable to decide.

And then we wish we all have a little Moby Dick in us too.

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Monday, December 08, 2008 / 2:38 AM

I loathe it when i have no control over things.
When i cannot make up my mind.
Cannot think strategically like everybody else.

I mean the number one thing troubling me now is the choice of a major. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHOULD I MAJOR IN. Currently i have 2 choices: Literature or Sociology.

The thing that is stopping me from taking Soci is that it is TOUGH. I have yet to master the art of arguing for my soci essays and as many who read my blog will know that i am so not doing well for soci exposure. If i can't do soci exposure how am i going to go on to level 2000 mods!?!? How the hell do i "succeed" if i major in soci?

And i "don't mind" Literature. It sounds really woozy, like so nonsense.

I really need some guidance.

Thursday, December 04, 2008 / 6:09 PM

Am fossilising as i type now.

OK i really need a break.
Haha :D

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 / 1:41 AM


And makes me put somethings into perspective. I realised how Blake Lively used the words "heightened reality" in most of her interviews whenever she is asked about GG. Well, that is not really true. Maybe the sex and the drugs part is exaggerated. But still the quality of the relationships in the whole series was very real. True and well, a tad explosive in nature.

Honestly, i wish i was more like Serena in many ways. She is one neat character, she deals with her demons and try to help others deal with theirs. Not that she does a good job all the time, but still she tries her best.

Gosh, i so don't wanna go all emotional and draggy right now. I just felt so so so stupid for having been so attentive and desiring for something, yet i got slapped in the face for it. It just makes me mad thinking about it. Like i have been a fool being toyed around for so looooong and in the end i get NOTHING.Perhaps i have learnt something, so that doesn't make it seem so wasted. Still, i feel dumb just thinking about things.

My brother was just chiding me about it last week, saying that kids at our age should learn to take it. Not everyone can be who you hope they will be, and sometimes you just have to be prepared to get disappointed. He was telling me how i shouldn't be putting so much extra effort because a true friendship comes effortlessly. You don't force things, you don't make things uncomfortable. A true friendship is when honesty and trust take precedence over meeting up for lunch or go study together. Everything else is frivolous, like wearing socks over your shoes. Redundant.

Frienships are meant to last when people truly connect, truly feel the sense of belonging to that bond. If people cannot commit and don't want to be part of the group, then its time to head out. Suck it all in, and walk away gracefully if you know you just can't and not be a bitch and bastard kind of thing. At least it makes everyone better off instead of being stuck in the mud. OHH. Fumes.

Gosh. I feel so irritable at this moment. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Man i so need a breather. Some fresh air would do wonders. Clears up the mind and the accumulated dust. Sheesh.

I guess interpersonal relationships are always complicated. Why should we make it worse? Like, stay. Dislike, leave. Ain't that simple enough?



Tuesday, December 02, 2008 / 12:48 AM
i finished my exams!

Caught Four Christmases today! Really comical but it felt really nice to have a laugh after all that emotional rollercoaster.

And i am totally obsessed with Reese Witherspoon now. The new all american sweetheart.

UGH EXAMS ARE A TOTAL HORROR. I cannot bear to see my results. Sigh.

ANYWAY, i am going ikea tmr! Haha time for some relaxation. Not in the mood to type much today :D

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All the love in the world, dear John