Wednesday, March 25, 2009 / 12:14 AM
i have a high inertia for everything
save me from this
Saturday, March 21, 2009 / 1:22 AM
today my life is like this :D
Each day brings a new set of excitement.
Today was a pretty normal day, with dad coming back from vietnam after his trip and all. Felt nothing, although that was not something out of the ordinary anyway. It was all cool. Then drove my brother to see a doc cos he wasn't feeling well and bought myself some popiah. Simple, banal and mundane.
So i have to start on my literature essay and my soci of family term paper, both of which i had faithfully PROCRASTINATED and left undone, and due soon. GAHHHHH. Need a headstart for my family research paper. Headache.
And am feeling thankful to some people who managed to make my day a lot more bearable after something that happened. Thanks to E who trusted me enough to talk about her stuffs and offered me something really nice to eat! Thanks to S who talked to me on msn, although it was just for a while. Thanks to Mr L who offered to help me, and that was really sweet of him. Touched!
Tmr is food hunt, and next sat is BEACH FIESTA! OMG OMG OMG.
Somehow, i feel a sudden urge to become a REAL radio dj. But till then i gotta clear all my assignments!!!
And i am so going for Korean food later ;D
Friday, March 20, 2009 / 12:38 AM
i like the smell of the night. that sense of lawlessness, freedom and obscurity. the smell that remains the same everywhere, be it in australia, taiwan or singapore.
i love the smell of the night.
and i enjoy looking at the night sky, appreciating its dark beauty as opposed to the day, where everyone extorts the beauty of the sun and all, neglecting the moon and its mystique.
i love the night sky.
and i want a pair of strong shoulders to lean on, and a pair of strong hands to hold on to. amidst the chaos and the fanfare, i remain steadfast.
it's just a ride it's just a ride
Thursday, March 19, 2009 / 1:05 AM
at the end of the day
we go home with bruises and cuts
we drag our sore and broken leg
along the cold cold concrete pavement
we are chasing pavements
that lead nowhere
we hurl ourselves against the walls
we drink poision
stab and slit
run and scream
then the sun rises
the smoke disappears
and i smell the freshness of the still night
the sudden touch of night breeze
i know you are always there for me
Sunday, March 15, 2009 / 7:11 PM
I think everyone deserves basic respect.
Regardless of how irritated or uncomfortable you may feel around people, even though you may dislike them a lot, nevertheless you should show basic respect and sensitivity towards them. Be it just a superficial maintenance of feeling or what ever, just show some respect.
But apparently many people in this world cannot do that.
I for one, try to.
There are many things that we cannot control in this world: love, people, war, fights... So why not take a more proactive stance instead of a reactive one? If someone puts you down, why not just brush their cynicism aside and just live your own life? I know it is not easy to do that, judging by how emotional and sometimes thoughtful people can become. But what are you going to do when someone does that to you? Cry and mope over it?
Sometimes you just cannot please everyone. Although i very much wish to cater to the needs of everyone, i just cannot. Who the hell can do that? By being subservient to every single person? Why reduce oneself to that level?
That is why we all need some form of escapism from our lives, lives that are so utterly restrained and controlled. Lives filled with people you dislike and have disdain for, lives with disappointments and missing pieces. THEREFORE,
WE SHOULD ALL GO TO BEACH FIESTA! 28TH MARCH! TANJONG BEACH!
check out www.lifesabeach.nusartsclub.org
HAHAHAHAHA. Sorry i am so stressed up that i am behaving this way. A bit deranged. I need to find pageant participants!!!
And tmr is my inequalities mid terms. SO DEAD. SO SCARED. Sigh. I feel as if history is repeating itself. And i am allowing it! AHHHHHHHHH!
And it was fun hosting NUS Open House on Sat. HEHE. SO HONOURED! But it was real fun hosting it with karin. Hope to get to do more of such stuffs :D
Thursday, March 12, 2009 / 12:59 AM
regardless of what you do or say, i am sticking to my guns and being myself.
back off, bitch.
get out of your illusion and get a grip.
most importantly, get a life.
you don't know anything do you?
plath understands me more than anyone else.
Sunday, March 08, 2009 / 3:11 AM
men and women
I think sometimes i do silly things. Like hankering after the impossible or tend to assume that things will be okay. But sometimes in life you have to get your hopes and dreams utterly smashed, learning it the hard way to give up some things and accept the outcome, regardless of whether you are happy with it or not.
Right now i am trying my best to type out my SS research paper, and it is one mean feat. There is a blight in my head, and i cannot get rid of it. It is not really writer's block, but just some reservations about the way things are progressing.
Some times i think i can identify with the lead actress in 200 Pounds Beauty. The need to be yourself comes across so strongly, the desire for freedom and to be loved the way you are... impeccable. But hello, this is a world obsessed with appearances and presentations that who the hell stops and explores your inner beauty? And men are more often than not too attracted to certain body parts than to really stop and take a closer look at the person.
A friend of mine once told me that all men are visual animals. If they like what they see, they continue their interest then begin to hear. Guess i may just leap into a long entry discussing about men and women! haha.
But really, it's true. Any girl who decides to desert her comfortable slacks and dress up would surely invite leers and stares at her. A little bit of make up, a slap of confidence, some right clothes and VOILA things change. But if a girl were to remain in her comfort clothes and at-ease behaviour, sometimes it just does not give off the right mood and scent, akin to what Edward would feel towards Bella. The RIGHT scent.
Yet how many times do women proclaim that they want their men to love them for who they are?
Baby, baby when you’re looking deep in my eyes
I know you’re seeing past my make-up
Into the little girl that used to hide out and cry
When her parents fought
Tryin’ to be strong
You can see the hurt in me
The cover ups so secretly
And all that I aspire to be
You see, you see
You know who I really am
No entourage or caravan
And do u even give me a damn
About all that, tell me
Would you love me if I didn't work out or I didn't change my natural hair
I could be the one you want to grow older with, baby
I’ll give you all that I got
See, I don't mean to scare you now and push you away
Cause I’m not tryin’ to rush anything
But when i look into your eyes I'm not scared you'll say,
I see little you, I’m in the picture too
Like a happy family tree
We’re together constantly
This could be eventually
We’ll see, we’ll see
But all that I have got to know
Is with me baby will you grow
Through sun and rain and heavy snow
Oh tell me so now baby
It’s as simple as one and two
I’m in love with you
And three and four
You’re all I adore
To the seven and eight
See I’ve been making mistakes
Cause when you’re on my mind
I just cant think straight
Back to the five and six
I’m all in the mix and I'm all into you
Without the lipstick
Without the L’Oreal
You remain the same angel that I fell for
For real, for real
[Chorus x2] (www.elyrics.com)
LOVE that song. Totally describes it.
So in the wee hours of the morning, i type away at the computer, wondering if you will ever be able to look past the crowd and see me.
Thursday, March 05, 2009 / 11:29 PM
I am having a terrible headache.
I wish i could do that too.
I wish i had that too.
Sigh i don't want to take panadols.
Monday, March 02, 2009 / 11:02 PM
During one of my lectures today, my professor was talking about how this NTU student had stabbed his professor before committing suicide by jumping off one of the buildings in his faculty. I was shocked, but decided to ascertain the news by googling for it and ended up seeing it reported on Channelnewsasia. Apparently, the student was in his last year in NTU, and the professor was his project supervisor. Some of my NTU friends were speculating that he must have done such an act because he was upset with his FYP results, some were saying he was too stressed over school and his grades. The thing was that he must have been really upset, to the point that he would assault his professor, slit his wrists and fall to his death. In school.
Gotta show his wrath, his hatred for the school to have died this way.
Of course, the professor is now being treated for his injuries, sent to the hospital and all. Flowers and fruit baskets will start streaming into his ward, possibly even inviting a news team and journalists for interviews. Get well soon and speedy recovery cards will overwhelm his desk and all, and perhaps when he is discharged, people will understand him and then all will soon start to forget that such an incident ever happened.
Honestly, no one will even report more on the student, except to generate more buzz and to take up the headlines. Quite apparent in this evening's Lian He Wan Bao, where the front page was splashed with headlines saying NTU STUDENT STABS PROFESSOR, BEFORE COMMITTING SUICIDE.
Ah, the media.
This could be the most newsworthy thing that happened in Singapore campuses, among various other kinds of news. This is definitely less shocking than shooting incidents in USA, but enough to make me sit up and take a good hard look at the report.
What made this student so upset that he contemplated death? Was it necessary to have done the things he did? Why did he not seek help? Where were his friends? His family? Was the professor too harsh on him? Did he receive enough attention from the professor since he was the supervisor of his FYP? Were there any signs and symptoms that may have foreshadowed this?
Of course, it is easy to formulate questions and castigate those who are in some way or another involved in this incident. Honestly, i feel that it is by no means isolated. In fact, there could be more such cases happening in varying degrees. School is depersonalised, too many students to keep track of, friends don't pay enough attention to friends...
So it is no wonder that the student contemplated dying as a solution to all his problems. Problems that seem to have no solutions and having no one to help him at all. The feeling of being so alone and helpless and unable to get out of this rut. Being thrown down a muddy pit and left to die or left to be eaten up by tigers.
And perhaps it is because everyone is so competitive and selfish and superficial. No one bothers to slow down and take a check at another person. Just like how road accidents are like. Most people slow down their cars and see what is happening, what is the number plate of the vehicle that got smashed, has the person died or not, got blood or not etc... They slow down to watch the show, but how many people SLOW DOWN and get out of their car to HELP? Most of them just want to rush to the nearest betting station and write down the lucky numbers in order to have a better chance to win 4D.
To say that society is merciless and blind is not an understatement. The fact remains that most people look out for themselves, and most aren't that generous to help others. Why should i do that? What do i gain? It's a sad sad situation.
Durkheim would probably be interested to study about suicide rates in Singapore, and credit it to academic anomie? Haha. Sociologists may have explanations, but we don't really need them do we? Quite obvious its the stress of school work and expectations. It could also be that he had a nervous breakdown, therefore doing irrational things and harming himself. It is not too difficult to have a nervous breakdown, since the way some of us live our lives is pretty conducive to the germination of that. Like mine.
There are also some who pretend not to know homework even though you know they are just hiding. If you are really that smart, giving others a little help won't make you any less good than you are now, unless you are not that capable enough.
Wonder how will the student's parents and family take it? Guess they will really be heartbroken that their son has chosen this way out. They must feel reproachful even though it is not entirely their fault. As to who was complicit, no one really knows.
Grades are such sucky determinants of one's capability. Why should we all be defined by alphabets? Numbers? Or even the "papers" that we have?
Despite all these lofty talk, nothing will ever change.
Because we are all so institutionalised that we fail to see beyond the horizon.
People are hard to figure out. I prefer words.
Sunday, March 01, 2009 / 3:35 PM
Chill and get on with my life. Some things can never change, so might as well leave it as it is. Rather than trying to make things fit, perhaps it would be better to just let things and people chart their course. No more words needed and it should be action now.
Oh i love spicy food.