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Thursday, February 14, 2008 / 9:25 AM
a sense of regret You know the usual saying, something that goes along the lines of you only realise something is important after you lose it. I had that similar feeling today. It seems like art imitates life in certain ways. I was told to give up one of my classes, the class that i enjoyed teaching the most and they are the reason why i am perservering in this job. They are the tiramisus and souffles that i look forward to see everyday, because they are so sweet and so attentive that makes you feel that all your hard work is worth it. They really appreciate me and it is always so pleasant to step into their class. If i have had a hard day, i just brighten up when i see them. In short, they are my favourite students. But now i am on the verge of tears, because i am faced with the prospect of losing them forever. No, this has already been confirmed and i AM no longer teaching them soon. It is just that class that they have to take. You know how terrible that feels? That dullness keeps running through my head and it sucks whenever i think about that. Some old adages never fail to materialise. It feels as if someone had just gave me a slap across my face. Everything was going on fine, and now there has to have some interruption. We were just getting to know each other better, but now the whole connection is smashed and i just cannot believe it. I still have a few more lessons with them before i have to break the news to them. Honestly, i am pretty afraid that i may cry. Getting emotional in front of 40 students who trust and have gotten used to me is the last thing i want to leave them with. I don't know what will their reaction be like, and i don't want to think about it. I just cannot get over the fact that i lost them just like that. A single decision can have such a destructive nature that i shiver at that thought. Guess i shall try to reconcile my feelings and face the students as naturally as possible. I shan't think of how am i going to live with the other classes, and i presume that i should stock up on tranquilisers and perhaps anti-depressants. It is so revolting when you put in so much time and effort into something and your students just crush everything with a single comment like "that is so boring" or they just carry on with their incessant chatterings. I just cried. At my desk.I really hate to lose them. But there is nothing i can do at this point of time. Management's decision overrules everything. I am just a tiny teacher in this school. I'm dispensable. Sigh. I don't feel like going to class today anymore. No strength to face the class, the one with the most problems and just send dark clouds over my blue skies. I wish i could look past their flaws many a times, but sometimes they just get on my nerves. Now i am reconsidering the prospect of being a teacher. It only hurts too much to let go when you are just getting on well with them. And for today, i shall try to survive. |
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