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Sunday, August 01, 2010 / 11:58 PM
contentment Sometimes it feels like i cease to exist, from a place that once loved me so much. I am like a shapeless entity, floating in between people and trying to fit into the big piece. I don't like how i am feeling, the feeling of being so so so neglected and totally unable to catch up with everybody else. The feeling of being so helpless attacks me so ruthlessly that sometimes i wonder if i am dreaming or living. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with everybody? Why doesn't anyone bother and care anymore? Or perhaps this is just karma. Karma for all the bad things i have done. The low point in my life that i have to go through so much mental trauma. The calm before the storm was really enjoyable, but now i am trying to brave through the storm. I wonder how long can i last. Coming back was supposed to be a joyous thing, being back to a place where i knew everyone and everything. But all these tears and pain seem to take away the joy that i was originally supposed to relish. Perhaps, i could take some solace in the fact that there are people who are in far worse situations than i do. Maybe i am too emotional, too young, too reckless, too immature. I don't think enough and i don't think far. But it is time for change. Tired from crying so much. I have such a terrible headache since this afternoon, and i guess i should stop crying already. I should get myself out of this shit hole and stop wallowing in self pity. Enough of being envious of other people's lives. I have a pretty great one! My family loves me as their favourite child, the pearl of the family. They have given me so much, unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I have nothing much to ask for. Contentment. Maybe it is time to look for new commitments, new emotional storage places. Maybe arts club was a nice place to be in, but a semester's hiatus totally wrecked me, and now i am broken. I don't know how i can piece myself back, but i am utterly shattered at the moment. Time to move on and get a gogo! |
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