happenstance

Tuesday, January 25, 2011 / 10:20 PM

Too Young to Die

Every small thing makes me think of you.
Koi bubble tea, Gong Cha, french fries, chicken wings, running, Tabasco, potato chips, shoes, watches, MX5 and cars, Japanese music, classical music, Gatsby, perfume, iPod...

Er Ge, where are you now?
Are you somewhere safe and happy?
Somewhere without pain, suffering and anger?
Are you with Ah Gong and Grandma?
What are you doing now?
What were you thinking of on Sat?
What happened exactly?

So many questions that are left unanswered. And all we have are the remainder of your belongings. And so much more to heal.

I am angry that you left just like that. It is way too unfair and cruel. You do not deserve to end up like this. You have a bright future that awaits you! You are doing well in your career and you are super hardworking, making sure to upgrade yourself continuously and equip yourself to be more valuable and marketable! You are a talent! Why do they have to take you away like that??! It's stupid and a horrible thing to do to our family. You do not deserve this.

And no matter how long it takes, i will never get better. I will never feel better, nor will i be okay. Friends and people around me ask me if i am okay or am i better. The truth is, i will never be. I can be bubbly and happy, but deep down i still feel that i am lost. I wonder if i am suppressing too much, that i might explode somehow. Or have i truly moved on? I DON'T KNOW.

I don't want to move on so fast. I feel guilty for moving on. I feel like a terrible sister for not being there for you when you would have needed me around. I just wasn't there for you! I wasn't there for you when you were there, in pain and all. What was i doing? I was having fun with my friends and i had no idea that you had died. That was what a horrible person i was. Having fun while my brother was dying.

Er Ge, please tell me where you are. Tell me with signs or in my dreams. I want some sort of confirmation from you, where ever you are. I cannot rest my mind, for i keep thinking of how the accident happened and how you must have felt. I cannot stop playing these images and "videos" over and over in my head. So much so that i lose focus of whatever i am doing at hand. I just can't help but keep thinking of the last moments when you lost control of your car. It dominates my mind. It impales my senses and i become so fixated with it.

Sigh, sometimes i am afraid to see you come back as a scary spirit or whatsoever. I don't know. I feel so lost without you here. It's like i could always engage you in intellectual conversations because you are so well-read and with a sharp sense of thought in everything. You can always provide me with fresh perspectives to understand certain issues, although we haven't engaged in such discussions of late.

I am so sorry that i couldn't be a better sister. I am so sorry that i didn't go with you, we might have averted this whole accident. I am so sorry that i wasn't there when you needed me. I wish you knew how much i adored you as my brother, although sometimes i disliked how you talked down to me and belittled me. But Er Ge, you are too young to die. Way too young. So much more to do, yet no more time.

Nothing can make me forget you, because every single thing reminds me of you. Everything. And even if we have disposed of some of your belongings, the memories stay on forever. Your smile, your quirks, your "Arbo!" and habits.

Bye Er Ge.