happenstance

Sunday, February 06, 2011 / 9:58 PM

should have stayed home

At j's place now while i key in this entry. Somehow my lack of interest in gambling has effectively excluded me from the whole group of "friends". I guess that cannot be helped, because i hate gambling even if it is for fun. So if friends cannot accept me, i don't think i can make any compromises.

Feeling a little happy with Er Ge's camera around my neck. At least he is here with me while i sit in his bedroom typing this entry. I guess the only solace i can seek is with myself. Friends? Who ever know if they are truly friends? Will friends say insensitive things that hurt you? Will they just not contact you for prolonged periods of time? And when they do talk to you, they think that it's okay to just pretend that everything is fine and be super chummy? Sorry, i don't take that kind of shit.

And i find it funny that even though friends say they care and they will be here, they are just patronising you. Who the fuck says that they will REALLY be there for you when you need them? Will they answer your call even if it is 430am in the morning? Will they rush to your side when you are feeling like nothing but shit?

I don't know. Am i expecting too much? Should i not expect so much?

I find that it is so hard to just pretend that i am okay and be happy and ra ra. Cant they show a wee bit of concern? SINCERE CONCERN? Everytime i see your faces and concerns i can't help but feel that they are fake. SO SAVE IT!

I hate to feel so abandoned. It reminds me of Er Ge. He was left there to die in the cold cold rain. What were we doing when he needed us the most? We were all too caught up in our own businesses. Too obsessed with people other than FAMILY. Why do we bother? When things truly happen, where are FRIENDS? They are nothing and nowhere. Why would they bother to bring back your body or make sure that you are okay? Who are you to them? You are just a friend, and when something happens= "oh someone i know only".

Perhaps Er Ge's death has made me a more cynical person, because when things truly happened, only your family will be there for you. When people say that you are their "best friend", i don't believe that nonsense anymore. They are always in search for groups of people that they can leech on, where they can benefit and suck the life out of. And once that is done, they move on to other more beneficial and worthy groups.

Do people even remember that John has passed away in the car crash? He has only passed away less than a month ago. DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW THAT?! DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?! DO YOU PEOPLE TRULY CARE!

ALL YOU ALL CARE ABOUT ARE YOURSELVES. YOUR PATHETIC SELFISH SELVES. WHY WOULD YOU STOP AND CARE ABOUT OTHERS? WHY WOULD U EVEN BOTHER! BECAUSE EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU YOU YOU.

This pain hurts. But no one understands. No one is truly offering to help. No one really bothers. Friends, neighbours, they are not trustworthy. Trust nobody but yourself. Now, i don't even know if i can trust myself. Quite sad huh?

Everytime i see tweets or fb statuses about how life sucks for people, how jialat they think their situations are, how angry they are over certain inane things or about guys and relationships, DO YOU BLOODY KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE A BROTHER? TO HAVE TO SEE HIS BODY COLD AND LIFELESS AND COVERED WITH BLOOD? DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PAIN IS THAT? STOP LAMENTING THAT YOUR LIFE IS SO PATHETIC AND ALL THAT.

My brother had a successful career and an even brighter one ahead. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE COMPARED TO HIS!? HE HAD SO MUCH to look forward to, so much more that he could achieve. He studied hard to get his degree and to be a high-flyer. He wanted so much to have an exotic wedding and to take nice pictures. He wanted to visit london and so many countries. He wants to go back to USA again because he didn't have enough time to visit in 2010. He wanted to ascend the corporate ladder and do something even better than he was doing now. And all these will never ever be fulfilled because HE IS DEAD.

What have you to complain about your life? You are still living, breathing and able. Stop bloody complaining and whining and do something good for yourself!

I think i am going to go home now. I cannot stand being in this house any longer. I want to go home to where i can feel safe and comforted. Friends. I don't know anymore.