happenstance

Thursday, March 10, 2011 / 11:46 PM

why does it have to be my er ge?

Haven't been blogging for a while. My thoughts have always been out of this world and i never seem to be able to anchor them down much. Keep having recollections that are painful and i don't know how to stop them.

Saw an MX5 while on my way to school in the evening for a meeting. I couldn't breathe you know. I just kept looking at that red MX5 because it was the SAME car as my Er Ge's. I couldn't take my eyes off it too, because i kept wondering how it would have been like to have been in the car when he crashed it into the divider, and feeling so scared and overwhelmed and full of regrets then immense pain as the metal pierced through the door and dealt him a blow to his head, which ultimately ended his life on the spot. And it was raining like this too, on a saturday evening.

He was already on his way back to Singapore, and just 2 more hours before he will be back in the safety of the house and in his familiar surroundings. Then i would have gotten home at night and saw him still sitting at his broken chair playing his computer stuff and drinking from his plastic bottle. Then i would just do my own things as i hear the music and sounds coming from his room. Then he would have came down to the living room as we watch tv as we usually do on saturday nights, and then he would go up to his room and sleep only around 2-3 am.

But that Saturday was the most painful one. Jan 15.

Till now i cannot get over his death. Someone so close to me, someone whom i had grew up with all my life, calling him Er Ge Er ge, going to him whenever i needed help in some of my essays and things, and him just being a very easy going and nice person. He never complained much, and he was very judicious and upright. He never takes sides, and he only stands on the side with the truth. Everything he did he never wanted to bother anyone or trouble anyone. At times, this made him a very independent person who never really needed to stick with groups or whatsoever. He is comfortable in his own skin, enjoys what he can enjoy, and aspires for life's finest.

Now all i keep having are images of him on the table of the morgue, his chest being sewn up in stitches after having gone through an autopsy. His face with some scratches, and frothing at the mouth. He was the Er Ge that i knew all my life, my 22 years of living. But there he is, liveless and cold and hard, no longer responding to us! He got into an accident in Malaysia, and that killed him. I touched his face, telling him that we are all here, mum, dad, da ge and me. His eyes were trying so hard to open because he knew we are all here finally. He died with the heavy rain and mud, and he had to stay in a foreign land in such a cold room for the night. Imagine his fear! His pain! His longing for his family and loved ones! Too young to die.

Everything still feels like a nightmare to me, and i want to wake up from it. But i cannot, because er ge is gone forever. I have heard of people dying and how painful it is through the news or reading newspapers, but i never knew it would hurt this much especially when it happens to me. I feel like a part of me died, and there is this dulling of my ardour for life. I feel a lack of impetus in doing anything. I feel like just going away for a while, get away from things here. But i cannot. My mum is here, my dad is here, my da ge is here.

I don't know how to face my friends sometimes. When they ask me how i am coping, i just say all is good. At times i feel very much normal, but then it hits me with flashbacks of my er ge. It makes me contemplate about my own mortality. It makes me think about all the WHY??

Where is my er ge now? Is he in heaven, as we all hope he is? In a better place? What if he is not? What if he is trapped in that place? I cannot be truly happy now. I feel like i owe my er ge. What if he is repaying my debts, my sins? I feel angry with myself that i couldn't do anything to help him or relieve his pain. At least, i wished that he was injured or something, and we can all still be together. But why be so cruel and not give him another chance? Another chance to live and be with us? He even bought a ticket for a concert in March you know, and now he will never get to see it for himself.

The calendar in his room reminds me of him too. He would always strike out each day that passed, and jan 15th remains blank, with the word "Track?". Damn his hobby. I wished he never liked cars and driving, so that he could have stayed alive in Singapore. I wished he had never gone on this trip, to Malaysia with his friends he didn't know well. And looking at the pictures he took just 1.5 hours before he died of cats and cars just crushes me. Why, why not let him live? We were all supposed to go attend the wedding dinner of my cousin on Sunday! And he died, just like that.

Everytime, i wish i could see my Er Ge's spirit in my dreams, telling me his thoughts and feelings. But that could be just my psychology making up everything, because i had wanted it to be this way. I feel very torn up, and i don't know what can i do to help myself tide over this. I want to know and hear my er ge, but there is nothing more.

The tears just keep coming and they won't spare any mercy.