Thursday, April 14, 2011 / 9:35 PM

Here is a picture of my er ge when he was in NYC last year in Feb. He was trying to take a picture with this statue using a timer shot haha. So cute right?

I wish he was here.

Revision for me has been painfully slow and arduous. I had a terrible gastric/back ache on Tuesday, and i couldn't sit straight or bear with the pain and discomfort despite my insistence to stay for urban sociology lecture. Couldn't stay and finish hearing what Prof Ho had to say! DAMN. I don't trust secondary sources, and i am angry with myself that i should have just stayed and hear what Prof had to say for the last lecture.

So i left the lt and tried to get a cab but i was too weak to stand. Feeling really dizzy and nauseatic, i decided to seek help from my friends at school while i go to the clubroom and rest. J and gang came and he sent me back home and got me fishball soup for lunch. I felt much better being at home and dressed comfortably, and chatted with him for a while before dad came home. Then i went to get some rest and boy, that was the start of my nightmare.

I honestly thought that i would recover after sleeping, and then i could go to The Script's concert at fort canning park later in the evening. But man, i developed a super bad fever. My whole body ached while the virus ravaged my system, making me drift in and out of consciousness. I couldn't get myself up to drink water.

Then mum came home and asked if i was okay, and i didnt have the strength to answer her much. So it was dinner time and they asked me to go downstairs for dinner but all i wanna do is just to lie in bed. But i dragged myself out and i was so feverish and unwell i feel as if my back is going to snap into half. I was having a really really bad back ache.

I couldn't eat but a few morsels of porridge and some spicy bamboo shoots. I felt so uncomfortable that i then left the dining table to lie down at the sofa. And all this time it was raining really heavily. So my parents dragged me to see a doctor at around 8 plus.


Anyway, the doctor told me that i might have "suspected dengue". I was like "WHAT!?!" He said my symptoms are uncannily similar to pre-dengue stages, and that i should take my medicine and see if things improve. If not, then i have to come back for a blood test already.

Seriously, i thought a bomb had dropped into my world. DENGUE??! How could i have dengue? As delirious as i was, the last thing i want is to have dengue happen to me because my exams are coming.

As it turns out, it was a scare after all.

So here i am, whining about my lack of motivation to study for the upcoming exams. I don't know what is wrong with me, but my sense of confidence and independence has dissipated quite a bit this semester. The usual confidence that i have in myself waned, and i feel very scared in doing a lot of things. I find life sometimes meaningless too, and i wonder what is the point in striving so hard for. I lose myself over social media and the internet sometimes, hoping to escape into someone else's world so that i can have less troubles and pains. I day dream about all the other possibilities and escape routes, but things that i would never be able to do. Silly me huh?

I can totally predict how things will look like this semester, and strangely i find myself letting go. I don't want to drown, but i don't want to swim. It's like i wish someone would just dive down and rescue me or just throw me a life buoy.

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All the love in the world, dear John