Sunday, May 25, 2008 / 11:18 PM
parents

I have a fear of loud voices. This entry would seem vaguely familiar to some who read my blog regularly, because i am afraid of people quarreling. When i hear loud and raised voices, i get anxious and nervous. That is the harbinger to an awful quarrel. And i hate fights and quarrels.

My parents quarreled again today. As the only child who is always around the house, i get to "participate" in these quarrels. Sometimes i do it with grace and poise, sometimes i manage to get by between sniffs and sobs. I was easily affected by their fights, but now i just take it with a pinch of salt. These fights are like a staple to my life, occasionally thrown in for flavour and spice. Haha.

The topic never changes, and the central theme always revolves around the "Evils of Religion". In fact, my parents' fights can be chronicled into a play or something, since they explore so many themes like love and hate, material possessions, religion, equity and communication. There may be more themes or what so ever, but i don't think i want to categorise them here. It is a chore. Conversations, or rather shouting matches usually are about the SAME things, and they NEVER change. Lists of complains and grumbles just get longer and longer. What used to be lovely about the other party is now revolting and sickening...

Seeing how my parents' marriage is crumbling because of different religions, I am beginning to feel scared for myself. Will my boyfriend be ok? Will he be acceptive to my religion? Will he be supportive? What if i end up the same way as my mum?

Sometimes i yearn to be in a relationship, but i am afraid that i will be a bad girlfriend. I was thinking that it is best to date or marry someone who is in Soka Gakkai too, so that we wouldn't fight in the future because our religions were different. It would hurt too much. And if we have children, they would be affected emotionally. But these would be the last of my worries since i have yet to find myself a boyfriend yet.

Man, i just loathe how my parents embroil everything into their fights. The solution is so simple and clear, yet neither party wants to compromise and settle. I wish i was studying overseas. That way, i can escape from such quarrels for at least 3 years. It bothers me so much. Bugs me.

If only my parents could be less childish... But i am pretty distraught that they cannot.

Oh well, I will definitely try hard to maintain my relationship with my boyfriend, if i have one in future. At least i will not be like my parents, squabbling over the slightest things.

Sigh. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008 / 2:10 PM
boo-ness

TOP 10 RULES TO SURVIVE IN THIS SOCIETY.
  1. Never be too kind to others. If you treat others nicely, half the time they are only grateful for that split second and they wouldn't have second thoughts killing you the next time round.
  2. Keep to yourself whenever others are gossiping. Standing around makes you the accomplice and spin-starter too.
  3. Smile when receiving criticism. But of course don't grin or laugh; that makes you look like an idiot and being a clown.
  4. Be humble. If you have done well and no one else said anything, just shut up. Although you may just mention your accomplishment offhandedly, sensitive creatures and some anal ones will think that you are bragging and start to badmouth you.
  5. Don't expect too much from others. You may have certain expectations for your friends, but most of the time these expectations fall short and you end up feeling stupid and hurt. Like me.
  6. Put on a brave front even though you are crumbling inside. No one tolerates a weakling, and most certainly not someone who shows his or her emotions. Reality does not slow down and wait for you to pick up yourself.
  7. Be independent. There would be times when no one accompanies you to lunch or tea breaks, so you just have to do things alone. Besides, nobody can really stay by your side and be there for you all the time. Not even true friends who have pledged their lives and soul on this.
  8. Find something to do. When you get slighted and neglected, the best way to dismiss such feelings and make yourself feel better is to do something. You can play a sport that you like and sweat it out, or you can be like me, typing out what i feel and think and assume that it all really matters.
  9. Indulge yourself. Life can taste like a rotten apple, with worms tunneling here and there. An ugly sight, some may say. Well, since you know that life is not all that rosy with a little bit of setbacks here and there, make yourself happy in some ways. Shopping, counselling, eating, sleeping. Just get yourself something that makes oyu feel much better, even if it means to burn a large hole in your pocket.
  10. Think on the bright side. There are tons of unhappy stuff happening everyday that strips you of your energy and life. It is easy to slip into "depression" and wonder why is life worth it. But there are other things to look forward to, like meeting up with people who actually care about your feelings, family, new job, new school... Sometimes things are not that bad at all; just that when things are put into perspective, it gets magnified. So think positive.
Oh well, that came out in a flurry. I wish there are some guidebooks or novels on how to brave through all the bad occurences and recharge. Seems to me that most skills are sort of on-the-job-training kind. You get thrown into circumstances and learn to react and devise solutions. How "cool" is that?

Thinking too much really makes me tired. It feels as if i am treading on a pebbled upslope and i am wearing the most uncomfortable heels ever. So painful, so tiring, so depressing. And i really want to SLAP myself for being the biggest moron in 6 months. WHY THE HELL WERE YOU SO STUPID?

So sleepy now. Still gotta meet a parent later. Don't know what to say to her. I am just jaded and really cannot be bothered. Why do people care so much? Don't they know that such care don't get reciprocated sometimes? And that turns into a slap in the face.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I sound deranged.

whee i am flying to the sky~~

CHEER UP MY LOVE!
Monday, May 19, 2008 / 12:02 AM

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY SHULI!


Well happy birthday to myself. It was a great day with my friends at SYC and HarbourFront! I woke up a little late today and rushed down to SYC for the HR Festival rehearsal, and i was an hour late. Got into the room hurriedly and started to write letters for all our ASD members, talked and chit chatted. Then Xuerian came and started to behave suspiciously with Jellyn and Jieying. Haha... I was absorbed in doing my things when suddenly Tai Leong asked all of us to go downstairs cos Teck Kiang was back. I was quite surprised, but nevertheless decided to follow everyone down lo.

AND THERE WAS A BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR ME!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~I was so so so so so pleasantly surprised! I was not expecting anything like this, and i most certainly got caught off guard! And everyone sang a birthday song for me, and i ate the really nice cake. Then took pictures and talked. Walked over to Pasir Panjang Food Centre with Xiaoying to take-away lunch for the rest. Then read the script, jalan, walked around, chit chatted. After that Jellyn, Jieying and me took Junjie's car and headed over to Harbourfront with Melvis, Kaili and Junwen.

Really sweet of the guys to even buy me a small slice of cheesecake. Haha Junwen dented the cake accidentally, so it looked a little abnormal. But i was so very touched. Then the guys and girls sang me such a LOUD birthday song that everyone in Pastamania stared in amusement. LOL!!! Paiseh neh!!! But i was so so so touched! THANK YOU PEOPLE!

Junjie then drove us home (how very sweet of him~) and we all then parted ways. Got home and realised that no one knew it was my birthday today, so i just said, "Oh by the way, today is my birthday" and went back upstairs to my room. Turns out that my 2nd brother bought a cake back and we had a mini celebration.

Really touched by my 1N1 students, cos they gave me a birthday present on Friday. And these boys are really endearing, and i am so happy that they even bothered, though i didn't want them to spend the money.

It was a eventful day, with lots of laughter, food, work, excitement and a little lust. LOL.

Thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday and to all those who bothered to spend time to celebrate my birthday with me :D
Friday, May 16, 2008 / 1:01 PM
life of a random variable


Currently at my desk, and what better way to vent frustrations and unhappiness than using the power of words? Although i may not be able to churn out fantastic pieces of writings or what so ever, but i would rather spell it out in words.

I think having music around you is really nice. At least it diverts bad attention and preoccupations. I hate it how expectations always seem to fall short. Oh well. What more can one expect? How ironic. Most people seem to always be hyped up and go all the way out to please someone, but sometimes they just don't bother. Ok i sound like gibberish. Anyway it is good to keep things a little ambiguous. Being too frank hurts the other party. Covering up flaws with lies hurts myself. Maybe i am just bad at interpersonal relationships. I tend to become a bitch or an irritating person. Maybe it is also because i expect too much from my pals? Not everyone stays there for you and be your shoulder to cry on all the time. People change. Nothing stays gold.

Wonder why do i love typing out my feelings? I guess it feels therapeutic. The sound of the keyboard is always the same, the words that you type will definitely be there. SIGH. Losing sense now. No wonder modern urbanites slip into depression so easily.

To learn from the character in the "Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time", I should learn to make lists. It shows order, progress and certainty.

Things that i want to get and want:
  • A nice big watch with a classy look
  • More CDs/songs--> you know how sweet it is when people burn you a few gigabytes worth of songs you like? Cheap and thoughtful way for a gift.
  • A new laptop
  • hair cut
  • tubs of ben and jerry's ice cream in cherry garcia, chunky monkey, mint chocolate chip for now
  • new spectacles
  • a new box of contact lenses
Does it help???

Listening to songs on someone's iPhone. Really cool. Anyone knows where i can download music free and legally? Is there even such an avenue?

It is friday, but i just don't feel excited. I am slowly starting to do things by myself. Like i go shopping, eating, watch movies, cut hair, exercise ALONE. Most of the time i seem to be doing things by myself. Is this bad? Haha it seems like i am the only one around. And i am not exactly easy to get along with, according to others. Perhaps one day i may get so used to being alone and unnoticed that i may just lose the ability to interact with others. Whoa. I cannot imagine that.

TGIF. Such an "over-statement". Hyperbole. It is JUST friday. Wishes will always remain as wishes unless something is done.

Sigh. Why am i becoming so angsty and cooped up? Just feel very sian.


bye bye.

sucking too hard on your lollipop
love's gonna get you down.


BAM.
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musings of a superhero girl
All the love in the world, dear John