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Thursday, April 16, 2009 / 12:21 AM
i injured my ankle    Sinseh alert. And now i walk with a LITTLE difficulty. The trip to the sinseh was interesting, where he graaaaaked a few joints of mine here and there and all. So scary! I really gotta take better care of myself. Cannot be so 'accident' anymore! And with the exams approaching me i feel a little scared but with a defeatist attitude slowly surging. Nobody really sympathises with you since everyone is just as stressed. But somehow i feel that other people are MORE PREPARED and MORE CONFIDENT than me. And the bell curve is a blind and emotionless device that can make or break you. This sem is no good. Gotta work hard next sem! |
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Saturday, April 11, 2009 / 1:36 PM
EXAM STRESS part a RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I don't know what to say and how to react! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Just what is wrong with me? Why can't i achieve things just like OTHERS? I feel like i am left behind the paper chase, and this scares me A LOT. What can i do? How do i help myself? -.- With my nervous fidgeting, i decided it was high time i get a cupcake. Or maybe two.  And exams are cominggggg. But i don't feel confident and there is a blight in my head. To quote Randy Pausch, brick walls are not there for nothing. If you really want it, you'll find a way through them. HANG IN THERE! Labels: cupcakes, life, school |
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Wednesday, April 08, 2009 / 11:06 PM
lonely road, take me home I have had an unhappy situation. It wasn't something particularly memorable, not something that one would wish that it would happen. Oh well, you just cannot predict things sometimes. You win some, you lose some. So i drove back with a heavy heart and somehow i took the wrong expressway. Perhaps i was so preoccupied with my thoughts that i did not really pay attention to where i was driving, and i was already on the expressway. Blessing in disguise? I don't know. Since i was already on the wrong road, i just continued driving. Went all the way to Changi Airport and had my dinner at McDonalds. Saw this really happy family sitting in front of me. So adorable, so touching. As far as i can gather, they were sending off the father, and the children suggested to have dinner at McDonalds. It put a smile on my face seeing how bubbly the children were, and the way they ate their ice cream and fries. Lots of laughter emanating from the table, and sought to chase my dark clouds away. Well, they left happily, so i continued sitting at my seat finishing my food. Read a few pages of In the Castle of My Skin, read some Adler's paper, wrote some stuff and then proceeded to walk around Changi Airport. I was at Terminal 2, the arrival hall. Saw so many people coming out of the gates, pushing their trolleys and waiting for taxis. Tour guides, tourists, Singaporeans coming home... Kinda made me wanna be an air stewardess. Haha, flying around the world and meeting all sorts of people. Seeing things differently. Then i sat down at one of the seats and closed my eyes. Fell asleep for a while and then woke up and headed for my car. AND IT WAS 8PM ALREADY. Not feeling well too. THEN THEN THEN on my way back I WAS SOOOOOOOO SLEEPY!HAHAHAHAHA... I veered off lane for a while, and the way back from Changi Airport was so terribly long so i did doze off... BUT I AM OKAYYYY SINCE I AM BLOGGING NOW HAHAHA. SOOOOOOO, to keep myself awake i kept talking to myself, reciting what i remember from Sociology of Family about mate selection, normal family ideology and then i realise i don't remember much..XD And it seems like it is going to rain soon. Can totally smell the air. Love this sort of smell :D Exams are in less than 3 weeks and i haven't started revision. This sem is baaaaaaaaaaaaaad.  late nights and hthtGosh, I really need some reinforcements and STRENGTH. Labels: driving, life, problems, school |
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Monday, March 02, 2009 / 11:02 PM
suicide During one of my lectures today, my professor was talking about how this NTU student had stabbed his professor before committing suicide by jumping off one of the buildings in his faculty. I was shocked, but decided to ascertain the news by googling for it and ended up seeing it reported on Channelnewsasia. Apparently, the student was in his last year in NTU, and the professor was his project supervisor. Some of my NTU friends were speculating that he must have done such an act because he was upset with his FYP results, some were saying he was too stressed over school and his grades. The thing was that he must have been really upset, to the point that he would assault his professor, slit his wrists and fall to his death. In school. Gotta show his wrath, his hatred for the school to have died this way. Of course, the professor is now being treated for his injuries, sent to the hospital and all. Flowers and fruit baskets will start streaming into his ward, possibly even inviting a news team and journalists for interviews. Get well soon and speedy recovery cards will overwhelm his desk and all, and perhaps when he is discharged, people will understand him and then all will soon start to forget that such an incident ever happened. Honestly, no one will even report more on the student, except to generate more buzz and to take up the headlines. Quite apparent in this evening's Lian He Wan Bao, where the front page was splashed with headlines saying NTU STUDENT STABS PROFESSOR, BEFORE COMMITTING SUICIDE. Ah, the media. This could be the most newsworthy thing that happened in Singapore campuses, among various other kinds of news. This is definitely less shocking than shooting incidents in USA, but enough to make me sit up and take a good hard look at the report. What made this student so upset that he contemplated death? Was it necessary to have done the things he did? Why did he not seek help? Where were his friends? His family? Was the professor too harsh on him? Did he receive enough attention from the professor since he was the supervisor of his FYP? Were there any signs and symptoms that may have foreshadowed this? Of course, it is easy to formulate questions and castigate those who are in some way or another involved in this incident. Honestly, i feel that it is by no means isolated. In fact, there could be more such cases happening in varying degrees. School is depersonalised, too many students to keep track of, friends don't pay enough attention to friends... So it is no wonder that the student contemplated dying as a solution to all his problems. Problems that seem to have no solutions and having no one to help him at all. The feeling of being so alone and helpless and unable to get out of this rut. Being thrown down a muddy pit and left to die or left to be eaten up by tigers. And perhaps it is because everyone is so competitive and selfish and superficial. No one bothers to slow down and take a check at another person. Just like how road accidents are like. Most people slow down their cars and see what is happening, what is the number plate of the vehicle that got smashed, has the person died or not, got blood or not etc... They slow down to watch the show, but how many people SLOW DOWN and get out of their car to HELP? Most of them just want to rush to the nearest betting station and write down the lucky numbers in order to have a better chance to win 4D. To say that society is merciless and blind is not an understatement. The fact remains that most people look out for themselves, and most aren't that generous to help others. Why should i do that? What do i gain? It's a sad sad situation. Durkheim would probably be interested to study about suicide rates in Singapore, and credit it to academic anomie? Haha. Sociologists may have explanations, but we don't really need them do we? Quite obvious its the stress of school work and expectations. It could also be that he had a nervous breakdown, therefore doing irrational things and harming himself. It is not too difficult to have a nervous breakdown, since the way some of us live our lives is pretty conducive to the germination of that. Like mine. There are also some who pretend not to know homework even though you know they are just hiding. If you are really that smart, giving others a little help won't make you any less good than you are now, unless you are not that capable enough. Wonder how will the student's parents and family take it? Guess they will really be heartbroken that their son has chosen this way out. They must feel reproachful even though it is not entirely their fault. As to who was complicit, no one really knows. Grades are such sucky determinants of one's capability. Why should we all be defined by alphabets? Numbers? Or even the "papers" that we have? Despite all these lofty talk, nothing will ever change. Because we are all so institutionalised that we fail to see beyond the horizon. People are hard to figure out. I prefer words. Labels: NTU, people, school, society, stress |
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Tuesday, January 27, 2009 / 11:38 PM
HAPPY CNY!  Oh i start school tmr! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Terrible. Gonna start radiopulze training tmr. Kind of freaked out and feeling super scared after looking at the training schedule.PHWOAR. Lots of new stuff to learn and skills to master, on top of having to navigate tasks and etc. Yikes i am actually quite nervous. Natural worrier i guess. And i figured i should not hanker after the impossible. Hehe it is best to remain in my place and do what i am supposed to do, live my life to the fullest and enjoy everything and everyone around me. Even if i dream the impossible, sometimes it is just not enough to materialise it. Even if i think about it all day and all night, some things are not meant to be, never will happen and are only in the state of the mind. Just like how Pecola yearns for blue eyes, she never gets them but ends up insane because of this obsession. I hope i don't tip over the edge too. Let me withdraw my hesitating foot. And i really enjoyed my chu er today at Z's place. So nice, so cute and so hilarious! Haha we had an awesome time making silly videos, videos that should NEVER BE LEAKED OUT. Haha but honestly even if it was uploaded to Youtube i couldn't care less. It'll give the viewers a good laugh and perhaps some evil comments. WHOO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Gonna brace up! Labels: life, people, school, videos |
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Sunday, December 14, 2008 / 2:48 PM
life talk I had a really great talk on Friday with a friend at Vivo. We had a really nice dinner and then proceeded to the open area to talk and catch up over ben and jerry's ice cream. It has been a while that i could talk to someone at this level since university started, and sometimes it's quite upsetting to not be able to find people who you can have a heart to heart talk with. Sometimes you just cannot click with that person no matter how much you wish you could. And sometimes you end up with a battered soul and a broken heart. We talked about our futures, what were we supposed to major and all. Honestly, she was right. We are talking about this and planning and discussing BECAUSE we care and are concerned about our futures. There are people out there who do not seem to care much because they choose to take it as it comes or they already have a path meted for them. Sing, dance, eat, party... some people can just enjoy life because they do not have to worry about it at all. They have a strong family to fall back on and they know that they will be fine anyhow. Sometimes i wonder how would it have been like if i had taken that path instead of this? Like if i was born in a different family how would i have turned out? Some people have it easy. They start 5 metres ahead of the starting line because they were born in influential and good families. Or they had some inherent talent that came with them and they are just better than others in so many ways. Having the upper hand, it is hard not to be condescending and self-righteous. At times, such talent makes them bossy, arrogant and blind. They choose to mix with a certain crowd to boost their popularity and confidence, while at the same time despise those who are not of the same category. And then there are the underdogs, who strive hard for their academic results and do their best to survive and adapt to this unequal world. But of course there are hybrids, people who are not here nor there. They are a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Confused? Angry? Betrayed? Upset? Social inequalities will always be around no matter how much we champion for our rights. Nothing is ever fair, regardless of how we complain and moan about it. It just never will be. And then all our uncertainties and fears will never be confirmed until they are realised and manifested in consequences and results. As i was telling my friend, we are all like little boats in the sea. Vast and borderless sea. We go where the tides and waves and wind may push us to, but at the meantime we try to steer ourselves in the right direction. However, we see no land ahead of us for now, so we cannot be sure of where will we end up. So what we can really do now is to just go with the flow, and keep our sight on the goal, the goal that we hope for. And while we all strive hard, sometimes it is essential to indulge in a form of escapism. Watching movies help to transcend us into a different world where there is a willing suspension of disbelief. Heroes are reverred, the good triumphs, lovers get reunited, the world is saved... such are typical of those who see the glass as half full. To those who see the cup to be half empty, go watch Hotel Rwanda. Or some apocalyptic movie where everyone dies and lovers separate and the world is taken over by a mysterious force and BANG its gone. I guess driving around helps too. Dancing, singing, running, eating, shopping... Do whatever it takes to make you happy without any dire consequences.
Labels: life, movies, people, school |
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Monday, October 27, 2008 / 11:41 PM
sheesh Yay ARTS OPEN turned out really well, and i am so glad. There were so much camaraderie, sportsmanship and laughter, not to forget the merciless sunshine that was partly the effort of the onion, ginger and garlic. Haha. Teams played their best and gave it their all, and it was a nice and happy conclusion. Well i sort of felt that i didn't do my part well. Really apologies for any mistakes that i have made! Being such an amateur, i really have to thank sherman and taa and ivan for helping me generate the fixtures. And because of arts open, i stayed in school till around 5am in the morning, went home to bathe and came out again. My dad was up at about 4am and he was so concerned where i went. Haha! He thought what happened to me. And i wasn't even feeling tired or sleepy, just worried for the event and about the fixtures and all and the briefing. After a quick shower, countless persual of my materials, i headed out. First time in my life driving at 6am in the morning with no traffic and no pedestrians. NUS was just super quiet, with the road sweeper all up and cleaning the compounds. I went to recee the area and realised that many people in the halls were still up from the day before or just woke up. Then headed over to PGP to pick taa, sherman and sarah and headed to SRC, where the real action begins. Moved stuff here and there, confirmed places, waited anxiously for my officials, chatted nonsensical stuff and BAM ARTS OPEN BEGINS! It was pretty exciting to be captain's ball programmer and medic all at the same time because i was really "wanted". There were a couple of times people got injured and i was super ashamed because our first aid supplies were either unusable or not available. I tried to open the brand new Deep Heat cream and realised that it had SOLIDIFIED. -.-||| OK luckily there was the multi-purpose salonpas spray that was in hot demand the whole day. Really gotta do something about the first aid kits. The event progressed well, and it ended well too. Really glad. Then chionged home to bathe and took a nap. Went out to meet taa and then took a cab from clementi to aljunied for Terence's 21st birthday party. The both of us were seriously shagged from insufficient sleep and sunburn. Picked up mus and siang and then turned up. People thought taa and i were drunk cos our cheeks were red and our eyes bloodshot. Really sorry that we weren't enthusiastic in participating in the games cos we were sooooooo tired! Took a cab home and fell asleep. The taxi driver had to wake me up. Reached home, bathed again and went immediately to bed. SUNDAY: My mum shook me out of bed and had to accompany her. Super NOT enough sleep. Washed my car and all then started to do the SEA booklet. Tough job man. Developed a fever and well, that pretty ended my night of studying. Had to go to bed cos the headache and all were getting to me. Slept at about 4am. MONDAY: Woke up at 3pm and still felt really groggy. Cooked instant noodles to eat and delved straight back to work. Ugh. Am still trying to chiong my soci term paper. I realise that soci is the ONLY subject that leaves me in cold sweat and induces pangs of nausea and diarrhea in me. And it is always highly blogged about. Duh. Sigh. oh dear. i think i'm falling for you. |
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Friday, August 15, 2008 / 1:21 AM
apprehension Currently, I am trying to work out my timetable. It sucks because well, i don't seem to share much tutorial slots with anyone else. Not that it should be a major concern to anyone else, but i really think its a big deal. Imagine walking into the tutorial class and everyone is in their own cliques already?! Do you know how terrible that may be? Its gonna be deja vu all over again. I keep trying to synchronise timetables with my peers, but it seems like its a one-sided affair. I'm always asking and probing, trying to get into the same tutorial slot as them. But is there really a need to? Most people would tell me to just register for the tutorial slots that i want and heck care about the rest. Your timetable should work for you. And yet i keep thinking that it would be nice if i were to be in the same tutorial as my acquaintances, so at least it doesnt feel that daunting and work could actually be easier. But then it aint always that easy to begin with. Having to know new people from every class may be exciting, but it can be tiring too. How many times would i have to introduce myself and also take an effort to remember names and characteristics? Usually i'm open to meeting new people, but when it comes to work i get a little apprehensive. When you need to work in groups, it is always essential to have the right attitudes and personalities. I will definitely give my best in the group, cos i am responsible for my tasks and will also think for the rest of the group. But not everyone thinks in the same way. That is why i am troubled AGAIN. Quite irritated over this and well, as far as i could tell myself to just choose the tutorial slots that i want, i still cannot help but want to go for some tutorial slots with friends. And the meaning of friends gets blurred sometimes, because not everyone sticks around for you. Some choose to stay and wait for you to catch up, some run along while you make an effort to jog, while some choose to desert you when you feel like making an effort. SIGH. At the rate that i WORRY, i'll soon be 40. Gonna get some sleep and think about it tomorrow. Labels: people, school, thoughts |
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Wednesday, July 09, 2008 / 12:43 AM
just talking It really is the moon, or just the feel of the night. The velvety darkness that swirls around like a martini. Blocks of flats with dimmed lights and the distant sound of traveling cars. People on their way home at this time after long hours of work and toil, people heading home. Rooms without lights except the peaceful snores and patchwork of dreams. Here i am, sounding melancholic once again but typing away at my laptop. Not trying to sound like some depressed writer, I love writing late at night. Especially around this time. It just makes me feel like i am the only one awake, the only one yet to delve deep into the subconscious. While others are either resting their exhausted bodies, I am working mine, staying up late. I wonder how many others are just like me right now, doing their things and wondering what others may be doing too? It has been quite a year, although half of it has just passed. 2008 was a whirlwind and a year of firsts. I started doing relief teaching, and experienced many emotions and situations. Did things in a different way that i would have done as a student, said things to set things straight. I even got the chance to set the exam papers and see my name printed at the bottom of the front page. On my last day of work i got a HUGE bag of presents from my students, and i wasn't expecting anything. Brought only a small paper bag to retrieve all my stuff, but ended up borrowing an IKEA plastic carrier from a colleague to lug everything back. Felt frustration, anger, sadness and betrayal, but these only made life more eventful. Chingay was a blast for me, and i totally enjoyed myself, performing my best and having such great fun at the post Chingay party. Now NDP is finally coming, and i am really excited for it. Gonna graduate from ASD this saturday, but i am pretty sure my heart stays with all my IICs and fellow buddies and comrades forever. Seen people who are ignorant, angry, depressed, stupid, pretty, ugly, smart, thin, mean, cheerful and optimistic. Man, there are a whole lot more different kinds of people. Did some soul searching, and felt bad. Reviewed my financial records and cannot help but squirm uncomfortably at the balance. Browsed web pages and got some surprises. Like today, i didn't have a good driving lesson. The impatient and irritated tone of the female instructor almost had me to tears, but good 'ol Shuli persevered and managed to clear today's lesson. Challenges are a staple, like rice is to me. Oh i LOVE rice. Soup. Vegetables. Beef. Kimchi. Apples. Spicy food. Chicken. Magaritas. Nectarie. I'll bore you with the amount of things i can list that i really really adore and enjoy. School is starting soon, and like most of my friends I feel a little scared yet excited. I cannot wait to see how being an undergraduate is like, with the amount of studies and work (OK i sound like a geek here) and the lectures and all. Nervous about how i am going to bid (successfully) for all my modules, get along with people, meeting new people, surviving, widening my social circle, handling all the assignments... I'm scared and worried for EVERYTHING. That's just my nature, always worrying over the slightest thing and forgetting to look out. Like when i was learning how to cycle, i had the tendency to always look at the area in front of me instead of looking far. Now i know and i will. I guess there is no point thinking so much. Wasting brain cells and energy on unnecessary things. Efficiency here would be frowned upon by Adam Smith. Labels: feelings, life, people, school |
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007 / 10:53 PM
fine line There is a fine line between a friend and a comrade. From now onwards i am going to ignore all the negative vibes that people emit and i will deflect all of them away. True, friends do not support you as much as comrades do. Friends have vested interests and they utilise the people around them. Conversely, comrades are self-sacrificial and they share the same life philosophy as you. They are willing to go the extra mile and they are always there to lend you their shoulders. And i have had a taste of it today. Some people just can be so helpful and amiable towards others, genuinely showing care and concern to their well-being and mental state. Some are just patronising and they do it for "face" and formalities. With that, i can feel the hemisphere above me welling up in tears and going into a winter solstice. But anyway, Teck Khiang is right. Your friends who take the a levels with you are not comrades because you do not need each other to pass the exams. They can still live on fine even if someone else fails it. So what you have to do is to persevere on, have the stand-alone spirit and tackle the A levels by the horns. I guess i will be having more me-time, trying to revise more for the imminent exams and confirm myself in this world of flux. YOU CAN DO IT, SHULI!!! |
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Monday, October 22, 2007 / 10:20 PM
downpour It is raining now. A sudden downpour. The night sky is tinged with a copper-red hue. I have always loved the rain, such a nice melodious natural song. When i was young i would always think that the deities and angels above were urinating on us, cos rainwater always tasted a little salty. Ha that was a cute thought. Sitting in front of the computer and typing this entry, my eyes just kept fleeting to the rain outside the window. I turned off my table light and now the whole room is dark, except for my computer screen and the streetlights outside. The rain is milder now, but the smell lingers in the air. It is indeed kind of strange to be typing without the lights on. Gotta figure out where are all the buttons to hit. It just seems so wondrous, such life. I am no poet or short story writer, nor am i going into bouts of philosophical shit. But today was just a challenge for me. I pulled myself out of bed early in the morning as i struggled to go to school for math consultation that lasted an hour. Tough as it may seem, it was a fine line between going to school and learn something or having an extra hour of sleep. But i managed to slap away the devil who was nudging me the other way. OK i gotta turn on the lights. It is creating quite a strain on my already bad eye sight to type in the dark. So i was in school and waited for my tutor to come. Grabbed a sandwich and gobbled it down as breakfast. Then did P&C questions and went down to the oasis to study with the peeps. Talked a little about our graduation trip, and arrived at a conclusion: WE SHALL TOUR AUSTRALIA! Then hung around for a while, studying econs and falling asleep and waking up and studying again. At around 1.20pm, the five of us marched over to Ema's Diner for a wholesome lunch with lots of gossiping and goofiness. Had a really long lunch too. Headed back to school and studied while mich and ec left. Abi, sam and me then studied for a while, and we went to see the school counselor about our problems and etc. Felt really good to have someone to listen to you and devise solutions and try to empower you. It is also heartening to know that you have friends who are by your side and are going through the same ordeal as you. Feels great to know that you are not alone in this journey, this hell of a ride. So we left the school with a brandished sword, armed with glittering armour. I am definitely gonna slay this A levels. Like how Buffy does it with gusto and dexterity. Yay. Right now, its plate tectonics and tectonic hazards dancing around me, with a cocktail of macro economics lecture notes swirling in my glass. kudos to ms ting, mr goh, ms dorothy chua, mr yeo, mr whitby,ms kavi for being so patient and helpful towards me during consultations. You people inspire me! Labels: life, school, thoughts |
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Tuesday, October 02, 2007 / 11:09 PM
wise up It has been a tumultuous week and i shudder to think of the road ahead of me. I've never cried so much and felt so much pain and anger ever since the o levels, and i guess this was a wake-up call for my complacent and stupid self. Strictly speaking, i failed Econs, Math and GP. How sucky can things get? Failing GP= DYING. And i just couldnt help it but to cry after i saw my essay score because it was the LOWEST i have ever gotten. It was plain revolting and upsetting. I was expecting myself to not do that well for essay but in my wildest dreams i had never expected the score to be THIS bad. I just cant control myself and just cried in LT5. My tutor was just in front of me, trying to find out what happened and tried to comfort me a little. But hey man, i'm still immensely shocked and overwhelmed, and i just hated myself so much for not writing a good essay and scoring such ghastly marks. I'm angry and upset! But after what my tutor and brothers said to me, i shouldn't be weighed down by the prelims and the kind of results i have gotten. I should now focus on how to improve my game and get a much better grade at the A levels! I was crying so hard and feeling so terrible because i didn't read up on my content. I had superficial examples. All based on Singapore. How screwed can i get? I should be so lucky that i hadn't got let off with a single-digit score. But still it sucks to fail, especially a subject like GP that i didn't use to have so much problems with. Man, i feel really helpless and alone. It sucks to fight the demons by yourself. And i have learnt a valuable lesson in this 2 weeks, and that your friends around you may not exactly be there for you whenever you need help or simply comfort. People around me are okay, sometimes funny sometimes silly. I've never had much grouches. They are okay, but maybe they treat me as an arm-length kind of friend, so the relationship was not strong and close enough. A friend enlightened me when i complained about the lack of support i'm receiving from my friends: Treat it as a life lesson. It is at this point in time that you now who are the ones who truly care for you and will be always ready to help you, versus those who merely stick around you for gains and scatter when you ask for any help. It was a worthy life lesson learned. And i thank my friend who so succinctly analysed my problem and gave me practical and valuable advice. That really picked me up after such a bad and down day. This event most certainly served as a fantastic filtering system. Really tired now. Lessons everyday. I am just beat. And my eyes are so dry. Have been dozing off the entire day majority of the day. Just tired and beat. Gotta go. Just exhausted.zzzZZzZz |
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