Friday, August 15, 2008 / 1:21 AM
apprehension

Currently, I am trying to work out my timetable.

It sucks because well, i don't seem to share much tutorial slots with anyone else. Not that it should be a major concern to anyone else, but i really think its a big deal. Imagine walking into the tutorial class and everyone is in their own cliques already?! Do you know how terrible that may be? Its gonna be deja vu all over again.

I keep trying to synchronise timetables with my peers, but it seems like its a one-sided affair. I'm always asking and probing, trying to get into the same tutorial slot as them. But is there really a need to? Most people would tell me to just register for the tutorial slots that i want and heck care about the rest. Your timetable should work for you. And yet i keep thinking that it would be nice if i were to be in the same tutorial as my acquaintances, so at least it doesnt feel that daunting and work could actually be easier.

But then it aint always that easy to begin with. Having to know new people from every class may be exciting, but it can be tiring too. How many times would i have to introduce myself and also take an effort to remember names and characteristics? Usually i'm open to meeting new people, but when it comes to work i get a little apprehensive. When you need to work in groups, it is always essential to have the right attitudes and personalities. I will definitely give my best in the group, cos i am responsible for my tasks and will also think for the rest of the group. But not everyone thinks in the same way.

That is why i am troubled AGAIN. Quite irritated over this and well, as far as i could tell myself to just choose the tutorial slots that i want, i still cannot help but want to go for some tutorial slots with friends. And the meaning of friends gets blurred sometimes, because not everyone sticks around for you. Some choose to stay and wait for you to catch up, some run along while you make an effort to jog, while some choose to desert you when you feel like making an effort.

SIGH.

At the rate that i WORRY, i'll soon be 40.

Gonna get some sleep and think about it tomorrow.

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Saturday, December 29, 2007 / 9:20 PM
end of 2007

Well its nearing the end of 2007, a year of so many upheavals and stress and fears. I just wanna make good use of my humble blog to show my gratitude to some people in my life who have helped made a difference, be it major or minor.

  • i wanna thank TING TING for being such an inspiration in my JC days. She really encouraged me with sensei's guidance and gave me so much warmth and patience that really made me feel so much better. Her tireless and bottomless care and concern is really touching, and i am glad to have her as my CIC!
  • WEN QING: I have to tell you that you are a superb CIC who goes out of her way to help everyone and encourage them. It touches me that you care so much about our well-being and current life condition and will try your best to give us guidance so that we may face our challenges more valiantly. Really appreciate all your inspiration and help!
  • ABIGAIL: we stuck through thick and thin all the way from JJC TO NJC. same class same school same side. it feels really good to have a buddy like you during the tough jc days, where everyone was trying to get ahead and not many people truly hung in there together. i may be a tad impatient sometimes and i may even get upset with you, but you were always there for me. THANKS ABI! and now that u have found someone, i'm really happy for you girl. tickles me whenever i think of the two of you, so sweet and cute together. cheers to our friendship!
  • JIYUE: ahhh...itchy-eh! It was so hilarious the first time i got to know jiyue; we were all loitering about nj and just chanced upon each other, only to realise that she lived just 6 floors below me! we were neighbours for so long and yet i didn't realise that. Quite strange but funny. She is the epitome of blurness..You are so forgetful and completely oblivious to your surroundings. You can just leave your cellphone in school and go home just like that! Whoa, really bow down to you. You are so funny because you always look silly and do weird things that we can never imagine. Tsk tsk tsk..Really enjoyed the times we went out and hung out after school, crapping and laughing like mad women. Those days were really nice! Glad to have known you cos you made life in school a lot more bearable!
  • MICHELLE CHONG: hello econs rep! At first i wasn't very close to you cos i thought you only wanted to hang out with abi. haha..that was funny. Got to know you better this year, and realised that we could click quite well! Went shopping, eating and hanging out..the best was the laughter and silly jokes we always tell each other, and those times where we studied at the oasis (i remember we were always studying econs) and the outings to covo, estivo and ema's!
  • ENG CHIEW: I know you weren't very good with words, but i am just so glad that you were beside me and supporting me in silence when i was feeling so upset and angry. You offered me help in math and although it wasn't much, i am really thankful to have gotten to known you. It feels good to know that there is a friend whom you can always be assured that she'll be there.
  • JOYCE KOH: We have so many similarities, so i guess that is why we clicked too! It feels good to study with you, because you were always so encouraging and patient. We sucked in math, but tried to help each other out in class, whenever mr yeo throws us a math qn. You are so reliable and sweet, and jc days are so much better with you!
  • SAMANTHA SHERIE!: LOL i would love the soon-to-happen meet-the-relatives session at the tea party when u bring your special someone there. Anyway, you are just so adorable and funny, because you blab the weirdest things at random and sing out of the blue. Loved those trips to your house!
  • ZELDA CHAN: LOVE YOU! Glad that we are still in this together after a whole 6 years! I don't think words can describe our friendship. So happy to see you during the camp, where we laughed and chatted in the classroom till the wee hours and then went to wash up together. Just feels good to be around you!
  • SAMANTHA HO: LOVE YOU SAMO! We may have differing views at times, and both of us may be firm in our conviction, but we had never let our differences separate us. We have learnt to strike a balance between the both of our characters, although sometimes we just walk it off with a little grumble. Just like the six chicks, our friendship is just so magnificent that i think it'll be an understatement to describe it. We just feel the love!
  • SHAMAINE: Although i have not seen you much this year, i know that you must have been working really hard and shuttling between SJAB, PJ choir and your personal affairs. You are one hardworking person! But you always forget to take a break and recharge, and sometimes end up with illnesses. Having such a weak constitution, i really hope that you'll take good care of yourself!
  • XUELIAN: xue rian~~~~comrade in faith ah..ok that sounds a tad cheesy. You are so hilarious, thoughtful and loyal, and it makes me feel so so so touched to have gotten to known you through ASD. And we have never looked back. It feels great to go to Chingay and other Soka activities with you and JIEYING and JELLYNN and CAROL because we are a gang, and you are our "head".Lian Jie-er!Hope that we can continue to uphold our faith and keep our friendship going!
  • MDM ZAINAB: You are just such a wonderful teacher, and you really understand us. I am really glad that you still keep in contact with us, your ex-students although we have graduated for almost 2 years. Really hope that you'll ocntinue to stay in Swiss and keep the spirit of geography going!
  • MR GOH: ECONOMICS has never been more interesting and exciting with you as my teacher. You make me wanna go gaga over Marshall-Lerner, Heckscher-Ohlin, Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns and fiscal policies. Everyone is born unique; don't die a copy ahh.
  • MR WHITBY: "It ain't rocket science", "Oh sugar!", "Say it like it is~"...iconic phrases you always throw at us during Literature. You are such a fantastic teacher, making concepts and unseen seem to easy to grasp. Great Ex has been so much more vibrant with you teaching it, and Pip seems to applaud at your wit too!
  • MS DOROTHY CHUA: I always think of you as a sunshine teacher, or look like a sunflower, because you are always beaming and cheery. It so brightens up the classroom and lift our spirits.
I know there are others whom i may have left out, but here is a THANK YOU for all the help and guidance you have offered me throughout the year. Christmas is a season to give thanks, but i hope that everyone who read this entry will feel my sincerity. I am really fortunate to have gotten to know you all.

Happy New Year
Happy 2008!

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Monday, October 22, 2007 / 10:20 PM
downpour

It is raining now. A sudden downpour. The night sky is tinged with a copper-red hue. I have always loved the rain, such a nice melodious natural song. When i was young i would always think that the deities and angels above were urinating on us, cos rainwater always tasted a little salty. Ha that was a cute thought.

Sitting in front of the computer and typing this entry, my eyes just kept fleeting to the rain outside the window. I turned off my table light and now the whole room is dark, except for my computer screen and the streetlights outside. The rain is milder now, but the smell lingers in the air. It is indeed kind of strange to be typing without the lights on. Gotta figure out where are all the buttons to hit.

It just seems so wondrous, such life. I am no poet or short story writer, nor am i going into bouts of philosophical shit. But today was just a challenge for me. I pulled myself out of bed early in the morning as i struggled to go to school for math consultation that lasted an hour. Tough as it may seem, it was a fine line between going to school and learn something or having an extra hour of sleep. But i managed to slap away the devil who was nudging me the other way.

OK i gotta turn on the lights. It is creating quite a strain on my already bad eye sight to type in the dark.

So i was in school and waited for my tutor to come. Grabbed a sandwich and gobbled it down as breakfast. Then did P&C questions and went down to the oasis to study with the peeps. Talked a little about our graduation trip, and arrived at a conclusion: WE SHALL TOUR AUSTRALIA! Then hung around for a while, studying econs and falling asleep and waking up and studying again. At around 1.20pm, the five of us marched over to Ema's Diner for a wholesome lunch with lots of gossiping and goofiness. Had a really long lunch too. Headed back to school and studied while mich and ec left. Abi, sam and me then studied for a while, and we went to see the school counselor about our problems and etc. Felt really good to have someone to listen to you and devise solutions and try to empower you. It is also heartening to know that you have friends who are by your side and are going through the same ordeal as you. Feels great to know that you are not alone in this journey, this hell of a ride.

So we left the school with a brandished sword, armed with glittering armour. I am definitely gonna slay this A levels. Like how Buffy does it with gusto and dexterity. Yay.

Right now, its plate tectonics and tectonic hazards dancing around me, with a cocktail of macro economics lecture notes swirling in my glass.

kudos to ms ting, mr goh, ms dorothy chua, mr yeo, mr whitby,ms kavi for being so patient and helpful towards me during consultations. You people inspire me!

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Friday, August 24, 2007 / 11:13 PM
its all in the attitude

Decided to let my creative juices flow and write some stuff on somethings that i have read and experienced today or rather, this crazy week.

Monday. School was as per normal, with crazy studying, consolidation lectures on Econs and all the content of market failure swirls like a martini in my head.

Tuesday. Lessons all the way till afternoon. Math consultation at the oasis was real fun, cos it was the first time i managed to enjoy a consultation like that. Managed to see a different side of teachers and friends too.

Wednesday. Didn't have breakfast, good friend just came for a visit, played hardcore Captain's ball in the morning. Some feedback session at the LT. Read my exchange rate notes anyway. Stayed back at the oasis to study a little.

Thursday. Went to Ema's Diner with Joyce and Abi and had loads of wacky fun. We amused ourselves with the game of 5 Stones and Joyce has a video on that. Still waiting for her to send it to me. Then it was Geography and Literature consolidation tutorial. Rather sleepy but still propped myself up with the aid of a nougat. Stayed back till 6.15 pm to ask some questions on Heart of Darkness but got more confused and unsure instead. It is really tough to see the episode through a cracked nut.

Friday aka today. Lessons were on as usual, and after the last tutorial a bunch of us stayed back to bitch and gossip, while trying to figure out the SRAS AND LRAS curves and blah blah. Did some integration sums and then walked around the school cos it was Open Day. Saw a SJAB junior and kind of dissuaded her from coming to NJ. What..You wanna be grey for 2 years of your life? Huh. That's kind of exciting. Thrilled to see Swiss ppl coming anyway. Then got home, had dinner and chionged down to SYC for Friday Rendezvous cos i was the emcee and saw HIM. Heart fluttered a little.Phew! Did an okay stint as the emcee anyway.

Well, seems like the week was rather boring and studious. Kind of loved school this year more than the last, cos my attitude wasnt kind of right to begin with. This year, i figured it has improved because i am much cheerful and less angsty now.

Right. My topic is on "attitude". Not going to be GP-ish, so its all random talk and typing going on here.

Saw something i really hated today in TIME. Several German-born Indians were beaten up during a street festival in Berlin, and no one bothered to save them even as they ran helter-skelter for the pizzeria. It was quite sadistic, as the on-lookers cheered on the group of 40 man to beat up the Indians, while shouting "Foreigners Out!". Quoting from Kurtz, it is indeed "The horror! The horror!" (Kurtz is the character from the book Heart of Darkness).

Why the hell did they treat fellow Germans of a different skin colour they way they did despite all of us being in a CIVILLISED society? Isn't civilisation made up of civil people who act and behave responsibly? This is rather shocking, and even PM Merkel was outraged by this act of racial discrimination. These Indians were fellow Germans like the perpetrators of this heinous crime. Why do people then choose to look at others in a different light just because they look different? Isn't it kind of IRONIC when we are in such a globalised world, and should be more accepting and understanding of all people from all walks of life? It scares me that despite our claims of being civilised and educated, some people still make this mistake. It just pains me to see such injustice and unfairness just because we are deemed "different" therefore "inferior".

Then there was an article about Mother Teresa. She was a really noble woman, spending all her life in slums and helping the poor. Her new biography entitled Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light speaks of all her "spiritual dryness" and "darkness" that had lasted for ten whole years. It was indeed overwhelming to hear about her correspondence with her seniors and confessors, that she was so tortured and unhappy, yet she had to continue in her mission. The most striking quote was this:

Jesus has a very special love for you.
[But] as for me-The silence and the
emptiness is so great-that i look and
do not see,-Listen and do not hear.


And i wondered how related this is to the Chorus in Murder in the Cathedral. Everything seems so inter-related.

Then i saw a pretty girl with a beautiful talent, yet was rude and condescending. It just spoils everything plonker.

Anyway, everything is determined by your attitude. So if i choose to be victimised and see my tormentor as a greater force that i cannot overcome, then i am destined to be under oppression. If you choose to react violently to a passing remark, then it will bug you for the rest of the day.

So, be pro-win win. Settle for a win-win situation. If that bitch next door continues to be sarcastic or mean towards you, let her be. It will make her day. If you feel out of control, pause and think for a while, then pick up your shield and fight your inner demons.

And now, the demon i will slay is the A levels.

It is a fantastic voyage into the heart of the unknown.

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All the love in the world, dear John